don't know where to begin...

my husband very, very likely has ADD - and if he doesn't have an "official" diagnosis, it's very clear to me, and others in our lives, that he definitely has many ADD behavioral tendencies, so regardless of a diagnosis or not, he definitely fits into the pattern of ADD behavior.

we have 2 young children and I have wanted to have another child for several years now.  he feels very overwhelmed with his life (huge work responsibilities, both from an emotional and a time standpoint) and feels like with all of the "balls" he constantly has up in the air, a third child would just be too much for him to handle.  he has turned this hypothetical third child into a gigantic scapegoat - kind of like, "as long as we don't have another child, I can manage the extreme chaos that is my life" (of course, the chaos that is his life is a direct result of his ADD and inability to manage his time wisely, his constant losing things/forgetting things/inability to find things, etc...).  In reality, I am the primary caregiver (I am a stay at home mom) and if we had another child, his day-to-day life would barely change (he works very long hours and only sees our kids briefly in the mornings and about 5 nights a week).

I found out I was pregnant earlier this year - it was a surprise to both of us, and a big shock.  Almost immediately he said that he did not want to continue the pregnancy, said that he just could not handle another child.  he threatened me with divorce if I wouldn't terminate the pregnancy and I felt very alone and like I had no other option (for the record, I am staunchly pro-choice but personally, for myself - terminating a pregnancy goes very much against my morals and values, which is something he absolutely knew).  I was distraught, very emotional due to the situation and pregnancy hormones, and felt like I really had no choice.  Much to my regret now, I went through with the termination and it was truly a horrible, emotionally gut-wrenching experience.  It was truly the darkest day of my life and it's been a very difficult emotional "recovery" thus far (because how does someone really "recover" from going through such hell?).  Immediately after the termination I demanded that we start couples therapy which has been going well, thankfully.  When my husband missed our weekly session recently (because of his usual poor time management), the therapist and I started talking and she floated her idea that my husband is very likely on an ADD spectrum.  I completely agreed with her and bought Melissa's book.  It was like *everything* suddenly made sense about my husband's behaviors, as well as my own experiences living with him for the past 14+ years (we've been married almost a decade).

I am in a terrible place now, emotionally.  I am mourning the loss of this child and stunned by the realization that my husband was so selfish/unable to be there for me and forced me to go through something he knew would destroy me.  I know now that the fact that he most likely has ADD is a huge factor in how/why he behaved the way he behaved, and I am glad that he is willing to get help for it, but I am left feeling so empty and also so fed up about having to deal with his krap for so long - and now to have it impact me in such a massive way is devastating.  I have very few outlets to discuss what happened - just my own therapist and 2 close friends - I told everyone else that I had a miscarriage because I am honestly so embarassed that my husband is such a (in my opinion) morally deficient person that he did what he did and gave me no real choice but to terminate.  My husband is, as is typical of so many people with ADD, super personable and the "fun," great guy in social situations... my friends would be SHOCKED to know the truth.

I read another thread on this forum -

it was about a man who apparently told his wife, while they had been pursuing fertility treatments, that he no longer wanted another child (I had to piece it together from the comments since he deleted the body of his original post).  several commenters noted how horribly selfish they felt he had acted towards his wife, "pulling the rug out from underneath her" during such a difficult emotional time.  I feel the same way.  I feel so let down by the man I love, for whom I have made several *significant* sacrifices.  I am curious to hear more about "selfish" behaviors coming from people with ADD/ADHD as it is definitely a personality trait that my husband possesses, particularly within our marriage, and not just on this subject of another child.

I very much still want to have another child.  I feel strongly that this is MY life too, not just my husband's, and I deserve to have what I want as well, especially since I have given up so much for him and his career and his family.  I am hopeful that through our couples therapy and by working with someone who specializes in ADD treatment/counseling my husband can get his life back under control and can realize that having another child will NOT destroy his life the way he thinks it will... but I also think that he will need to have a real shift in this "selfish" way of thinking/approaching our marriage and that sometimes seems to me like it will be insurmountable for him.