I'm going through something that is emotionally devastating to me right now, but that is even worse for my (separated) husband. It involves one of his family members. I don't want to go into too many details, as I believe he may be reading this list from time to time, and I don't want him to know that "BreadBaker" = "my wife."
Let's say that, on a scale of 1 to 10, he's going through something that is a 9. I am going through the same issue, and it's an 8.5. Either way, we're talking about something that is extremely painful, and makes life extremely difficult to navigate.
I'm being treated as though something that has knocked the emotional wind out of me is "nothing," and that only *he* has the right to be upset, to seek comfort, etc.
Is this normal with ADDers--a sort of "co-opting" of a shared problem or grief? Or is it a sign of emotional selfishness--only he has any "right" to be affected by something?
I'm probably not explaining this very well. I may have to just describe what I'm really talking about in a later post in order to get accurate feedback.
Most ADHDers I know are very
Submitted by Normal Mom on
deleted. see reason at this link.
That sounds like it
Submitted by BreadBaker on
Yes, that's pretty much what we're going through. He's going through a rough time, and I'm being treated as though I have no "right" to be in pain as well. It's making things doubly hard for me, but I don't see that there's anything I can do about it except go through whatever painful emotions I have, and try to take care of myself the best I can--both alone.
SOOO sorry BreadBaker that this is happening
Submitted by Aspen on
I agree that unfortunately the way some people deal with grief is be so personally wrapped up that they can't see outside themselves. We've had some terrible situations come up in the last 3 years. We were hurt badly by some slander, we had 5 close friends die in a plane crash, my grandmother died after about 6 months of needing intense care from the family and while she was in the hospital, and my husband lost one our our independently contracted jobs that we really needed, and his father was diagnosed with cancer!
Thinking back the majority of things my ADD husband dealt with better than I did. He had a semi rough childhood emotionally while I had a *perfect* childhood, so he is better able to handle emotional crisis than I am. He was my rock in dealing with the slander (mostly aimed at me but affecting both of us-was about a 6 month process to deal with), with the plane crash (had been close friends of mine for 15 years whereas for him was *only* 8 years), he kept our family running while I spent chunks of my days in meetings with my grandmother's doctors & came home so exhausted from visits with her that I couldn't do much beyond lay on the couch.
At the job loss he just crumbled emotionally as it was a detail oriented job and an ADD related failure on his part to fulfill the contract, and I was able to step up and support him even though I was terrified financially. He desperately needed the support to be able to go right out and get some replacement work within the week. When his father was diagnosed it was rough on both of us (my MIL is the neediest person in the world and has already said (threatened) that if something happened to him she was going to move near us!!) I was trying to support my husband, while dealing with my MIL who wouldn't stop describing her uterine bleeding (???) while we were trying to find out about the prognosis for father-in-law, and feeling growing panic (since they told us it was likely incurable) that my MIL was going to be living near me and making me miserable for the rest of my days.
I think ideally in a situation that affects both of you, like the one you are in, there should be joint support. There should NEVER be an attitude of "You have no right to be upset. This is only about me" but I bet he can't see the forest for the trees at the moment. I will say there are some people who when any type of drama touches their lives, almost appear to enjoy it. Like being center stage and having everything be about them is their fondest goal in life <cough> My MIL trying to make FIL's cancer all about her <cough> They do make it all harder on the other people suffering around them, but really it is such a sad way to be.
I hope that everything goes as well as it can for your husband and yourself. It is a terrible position to be in and I can see where it would make it worse for you. *HUGS*