I'm really confused and just at my wits end. I am with my partner who has three children. We've been together for over a year. He was always very chatty and failed to listen to me. He'd go off on a tangent on all sorts of things.
I said one day, do you think you have ADHD. And he said he does. I feel because he knows I have health issues, he should have said this much earlier. I feel a bit hoodwinked.
`He's had a lot of upset in his life. He tries to be a good boyfriend: gifts etc but he doesn't get things done for himself. I'm turning out to be the boss of everything and commander in chief of getting things done and I hate it.
I can't be with him anymore. It is draining me. The adhd on top of other complexities don't stop. I've read forums here and I swear to god, I can't even hear the cogs of my own brain turn. Even when I want a break – it gets disrupted by insecurities. He used to call endlessly, even when he knew I was busy. Like, 4 times before noon. To chat! I don't know whether he is messing with my head, or it is the ADHD but I feel like I'm being sabotaged. It seems that all I am able to do is pay attention to our relationship, And I' m never attentive or caring enough. We don't live together but when I come home from seeing him, or he leaves, I'm in a comatose state that seems to take days to pull myself out of. I explain this to him, he agrees he goes ott, I have tried to end it – but he just brushes it under the carpet and carries on, then wants me to say it all again. I give up and we carry on as before.
I'm genuinely worried my mental health is going to suffer, that my finances will suffer. I feel I am simply responding to the buzzer that is ADHD. It gets on my nerves and it makes me very nervous and anxous. I don't know what I'm walking into sometimes. Extreme love and devotion, or bypassing anything I say in favour of very long and winding stories about something that happened decades ago that I can't even visualize. Or a traumatic story. Or an insecure story. He is not horrible, ever. Never. But jeez, it's non--stop.
Sometimes I put more love and effort and attention in to see if that helps --- no, that on;y creates a need for even more. Not, oh I had a lovely time see you Weds. etc... but ping ping ping ping ping.
I don't feel like Im having a relationship. I'm just managing situations and listening patiently.
My sex life is zero, when before it was v high. Just when I feel I might feel amorous, something unexpected is said or happens. I tried giving up and just nodding and being flirty not fighting for my right to contribute. But now this frustration seems to come out by drinking too much and being spiteful. Not sure I can even stand myself in this relationship. I don't want to be horrible and it's not fair on him.
Even when I try to end it, he has his own version of events and talks at length about why it's OK and we are perfect. I don't think we should continue, I can't meet his needs. I'm in my 40s. I feel OK about being along. He lectures me on our future together, but I feel manipulated and steamrolled and it seems exhausting. I'll be a responsible for everything –– though he denies it. It seems quite mad and delusional to me. It's obvious I'd have to do everything or life in a constant state of chaos.
How do I give clear messages to someone with ADHD that won't listen and will conveniently forget what I said.
It's so, so possible that someone else (tho he is many times divorced!), can handle this and be a loving partner. I'm not her. I don't want him to feel bad about his ADHD, or unloveable. But he t guilt trips me into not moving on – (it's almost like he wants me to yell at him and be nasty about him and his adhd... I don't want to do that. :(
I just know that for various reasons I am not up for the job. I'm not the woman for this. We don't share any responsibilities, so why is it so hard to end it?
:(( I feel miserable.
We met at a bad time in my life, but the more I become my normal self, the more I feel: this is absolutely bonkers! The only way this will work is if I just give up :( give up being heard, do all the labour; and be a sex goddess. Then, just then it might be happy. It''s like a bucket with a hole in it.
It's hard to be up for sex hat when you are being talked over rather than seduced.
Advice please x or sympathy. I'll accept either. I tried to talk to my mother about it but she just didn't get it at all. She almost found it funny.