Hears you but responds with a vocal "NO"

Today, a dog owner left without cleaning up. I asked ADD spouse to take a look out the window and take a look at the dog owner. All of a sudden, he is livid, runs out the wrong door and goes all the way around the wrong side of the property and almost accuses another dog owner (minding their own business). For heavens' sake, I just asked him to take a good look at the dog owner from the safety of our window. He comes in all livid at me, it's not because of the dog poo, it's not because of the careless dog owner, its all because I had the audacity to "control" him. So he did everything else to confuse the whole situation. (Which I remind you, was a very neutral request. I wasn't jumping or screaming)

Please. Tell me, does it seem like I'm controlling in any way when I just ask someone to take a look out our window? When I'm with anyone else, that person will just go to the window to assess what I'm referring to, size up the owner, size up the situation. And maybe say, "that's a lot of nerve!" (or some such FEELING)
None of this happened and it went all downhill from there -- I'm accused of being manipulative, mean, controlling, I need to "learn" to shut up, and "we're done" "I don't care what you feel".

These "NOs" come with not one ounce of feeling for the other person (the spouse and main target).... why is this?? Please, what does everyone do to keep from going completely and utterly insane. It is such WOUNDING behavior, I just don't think I can go on until death do we part. It's worse as we grow old together. 

I also notice the need to vocally announce "NO" "Never" "it's not going to happen" to even the most extraordinarily simple statements -- things most of the world accept and share openly are vocalized not only by my ADD spouse, but by various children I've come across on the autistic spectrum... it is oppositional, defiant, in both Aspergers and ADHD children. What part of the brain is causing the oppositional defiance??

I walked away but I feel he needs help to slow down, it's like this huge switch goes on and his brain becomes one huge defiant "NO". He hurts me needlessly, he's hurting himself too.