Ok, first post, like always just bear with me I guess. I have been married for 5 years, 2 beautiful kids.....and well this was the first christmas I did not spend with my wife/kids. She walked out with the kids to live with her parents because she has had enough of mood swings, lack of communication, impulsitivity, lack of happiness in my life, etc....and said she wont come back until I get "fixed"....we were going to marriage counseling, and I had been to 2 other counselors in 4 years.....nothing was clicking because I was making the same mistakes and our marriage was going down the same road. I talked to my pysch about adhd, she said I had a mild case of it, blah blah went on ritalin and really nothing......well, I finally found a counselor that broke it down that the majority of my problems are caused by ADHD. I have met with her, 3 sessions....and found out alot of my social problems, lack of intimacy, lack of sex,(not being able to finish sexually with her, but alone I could)..... lack of communication are a result of this disorder, plus the fact I grew up in a household that well........if mom wasnt happy, no one was..so you worked hard to please her.
My question for you guys and ladies is: how do I show my wife I am improving, its only been 2 weeks that she has been gone, but she thinks the whole ADHD thing is a crock. My counselor said it is too early to have her come in and join a session, and I guess the years of not telling her "all" the information, when I thought I did...and the little lies to cover up not getting into trouble......its making my heart explode. I miss my wife greatly, as well as my 2 beautiful kids...my son is only a month old....and I miss them so much...
How do I show my wife I am making changes..? How do I bring the fire and passion back into a marriage where I am constantly being told all the negative things....I love my wife, I love my kids......The more I read about adult ADHD the more I feel this could be what has been causing so many problems...issues and concerns, and for the longest time I did not have any answers....I guess I am just looking for support......but I am lost right now, alone in my house....missing my family.
To verbalize, and show my wife how I feel......I stutter, stammer and cant get things straight.....when I know in my heart I want to tell her I am fixing things....I am working......she said she has heard it all before, too many times.......enough is enough.......suggestions? Help??
Thank you in advance
It's different for everyone I
Submitted by Clarity on
It's different for everyone I would think. Six months of separated here, and I'm still not ready to get together. Don't know if I ever will be either... It just seems like too little, too late and I figure if I let him in, he'll be back to his old self again anyway... I feel like I need to protect myself. Sorry I couldn't be more "positive", just matter of fact.
Does She read the posts on this web site?
Submitted by DTC on
Hopefully she will read it and see the struggles that you folks are going thru are the same as other couples with a spouse that has ADD. Then she can realize she has married a man with ADD and she is not alone.
I have ADD and my wife told me to goto this web site so I can learn how this dissorder really affects marriages. It opened my eyes on how many couples were going thru the same struggles we were. The first thing you have to realize is that ADD makes you self centered and blind to the reality of your problems. We don't admit the damage we do to our spouse but put the blame on someone else. A huge part of the healing process is to truely agree with your wife when she states her issues. Listen and agree then make an effort to do what she is asking. Raising two kids is a lot of work so observe on how you can share the work load. Change a diaper, do laundry, cook, clean, let her get some time away from the kids and go buy some new clothes. These little actions make a big difference in her life. Us men have to forget ourselves and share the load.
I had a problem with investing in the stock marrket and not sharing my choices with my wife. So I was not trustworthy with money in my control and this was a huge vice in our marriage. I swallowed my pride and relinquished all access to money so our marriage could continue. What ever she asks, just do it so the trust can be restored.
Hope this helps,
From a man who has ADD.
Thank You
Submitted by tracsport on
First of all let me begin by saying thanks. I am trying to give her space, and being 4 hrs away I know that is the case right now. She is overwhelmed with my problems, taking care of 2 kids and living at her parents right now...and I feel helpless. I sent her some links to adhd and add information, but I guess its up to her now to read on it. My counselor will not see her, to discuss my problems because she feels its too early in the treatment to involve my wife. The more I read on this, and watched a few videos, it does make sense.....but how do I at least open the door....to let her see this. She still thinks its a bunch of baloney....
It is very frustrating, I know to her and to me. We had a fight last night on the phone, and it broke my heart cause she thinks I am lying to her, when she wants me to recall everything from my session to share with her, and I only remember 80% and then other 20% comes later.....and I share, and she said well how come you did not tell me before? The transfer of information from the session to my conversation is just not there.
rebuilding trust takes time
Submitted by arwen on
Ryan, I obviously don't know all the particulars of your marital problems, but if yours are typical of the kinds of issues that most of us have dealt with, it's pretty likely that you have pretty thoroughly destroyed your wife's trust in you, even though you didn't mean to and you didn't know you were doing it.
Trust can't be rebuilt overnight, and it doesn't happen just because a doctor says that your problems match up with a particular disorder. It's good that you feel more aware, but you have to understand that you don't necessarily appear very much different to your wife than the husband she was dealing with before you got on meds and found a new and better counselor. She probably feels that you have betrayed her confidence hundreds of times, and she has no reason to think this is any different.
I understand that you are impatient to get her on the same page with you, and to move forward together, but I think you need to take a step back and a deep breath and recognize that even though *you* may see your marital past as separate from what you now want, and can perhaps easily put the past behind you, your wife is not ready to wipe the slate clean. She probably remembers the past far more vividly than you do, and she may need you to address the problems of the past before she can move forward.
As far as I can see, the only thing you can do it behave in a new, *patient*, aware, *trustworthy* way, and show her over time that you are no longer the same person you were. Stop trying to force her into your agenda, and try to respect hers.
Good luck in your efforts -- I know you want to do the right thing -- but these problems did not develop over a short time and they will not go away in a short time, either. Hang in there!!!
You are insightful
Submitted by ajr on
DTC,
DTC I find your comments insightful.....I have an ADD husband and we have made some awareness progress over the last 6 months...These blogs have been a lifesaver for me as I recognize the positive and negative behaviors that are causing us problems... I am willing to work toward finding positive solutions with my husband, but am tired of going in circles and circles doing the same behavior with not a different response..Both parties need to understand the dynamics that are occuring and be willing to sit down to discuss to make changes...
My ADD spouse does try to make changes and we have seen improvements, but he is unable to sit and verbalize what are the positive changes that gets him positive results..... Your comment about being blind to the reality of your problems hit home with me....
Id like your insight as a man with ADD as to what might be going on.....
For 4 months Aug- Nov. I saw a dramatic change in my husband. He started going to CHADD meetings and I perceived the changes due to now he had others with a similar issue and was learning tips to deal with the ADD. His defensiveness reduced to 10% whereas it was 90% for the last 20 years of our marriage....He acknowledged my feelings, and it we was overwelmed, communicated his emotions to me, rather than lashing out in defensiveness. I "observed" this behavior cautiously, and was very impressed with his changes....( I was honestly ready to send a dozen roses to his CHADD Facilitator) We relaxed together amd started to enjoy time together for th first time in 20 years.... I even wrote a post on this site praising him to no end, as I felt he really had a good handle on the new behaviors that were working for both of us....He acknowledged my feelings over those 4 months, and I felt human again..This in conjunction with this website validated that I wasnt imagining things or was the " monster" of the marriage.....
I hinted around to him to see if he recognized that things were getting better, and he hinted back that he did recognize, but with no ability to sit and have a sincere dialogue about what the things that were working were, and how we continue to keep reinforcing them.....Its hard to sustain positive changes with positive reinforcement, if one party is not able to identify the positive behaviors that got you there...
Fast forward to Late Nov. and I saw defensiveness creeping back... Its now 40%-60% but nevertheless, I am trying to figure out why the slippage....When I mentioned this to my husband,he got defensive....Had a major fight and came to realize,, he has no idea what worked for those 4 months of bliss....He is not able to identify the behaviors that helped make things better....He was going with the flow..... I perceive not understanding the dynamics of the positive interactions.
When I wrote a hearfelt post in Mid Nov of his progress over the 4 months an showed it to him as to how proud I was of his progress,( and showed it to him) he focused on 3 words of the post " His defensiveness is legendary"( I was using this term to describe where we started from vs what has changed)...rather than the three paragraphs I wrote praising him about his progress....It felt like a knife to my gut as I was finally letting my guard down and enjoying him, only to be thrust back to getting " smacked" for opening up and sharing my emotions....
I sent him an interesting article a few days ago from this site, and no response or acknowledgement. I would love nothing better than to have him read all the posts to gain insight as tis so valuable....I perceive there is still some denial going on even though a strong willingness to try....
I almost feel like he is trying to transfer his ADD to me..He tells me I hyperfocus etc....and its as if I have to share some of the ADD disfunction with him, so he doesnt feel bad?
I am certainly willing to help my husband with the ADD and work collectively, but I am not willing to take responsiblity for his defensiveness
Any thoughts.... Thanks
Well, the first thing that
Submitted by Jovanny987 on
Well, the first thing that you need to do is just realize the areas in your life that she finds to be not right, and focus your attention on those. For instance your communication problems can improve if you pick up a good book on communication. I've found that I can solve many of my own problems by educating myself about them. So for example: If I know that distractions to communication can be internal such as having random thoughts of different things while I'm talking to someone else, or external situations like a cellphone going off then I can pay more attention to avoiding those distractions. And it's going to be a continous fight because we still have this disorder but by knowing about our tendencies we can do things better. So #1 Find out in what areas you need help and learn about those areas in detail, then practice what you've learned #2 There's this great book called "The Five Love Languages". It has nothing to do with ADD but believe me it's amazing if you use it. Everyone who's married should pick up a copy of this book it's genious. #3 make sure that you're not holding any type of bitterness, or anger, or resentment in your heart. What I mean is that sometimes the stresses of life can hold people down and turn them into a monster. So they start to treat people differently and they don't even intend to or want to harm those people, but it's because they're carrying soo much pain in their hearts from their lives that It pours out of them when they're dealing with difficult situations. I wish you and everyone that reads this post the best of luck and keep us posted on your progress.
Thank you Jovanny
Submitted by tracsport on
Well, I am trying my best to get all the information as possible...reading etc. We have been to (3) marriage counselors, most of them said the same thing but not one of them focused on ADHD until my recent counselor sat me down and said wow......this is all linked to one thing. To prove that to my wife that is 4 hrs away right now, is hard, esp since my counselor will not meet with her yet. Its all new to all of us, including me that really feels that I want an answer, if this is the answer then so be it, I am going to a clinical psychologist to get tested for all conditions to rule out anything else.....my current pyschologist sorta "played" me when she called my wife to explain the medication for adhd....and I think its time to find someone else. I know I cant blame anything, but instead focus on moving forward, but I feel most people around me have heard that song and dance before, what makes this time different? You know...?
My wife wants me to get better.....but I need to narrow that down. She said she wont wait forever.....for me to get better though.
To me that answer lies in the diagnosis...the ability to know what I have, and what I have to do to fix things, and work on things is key...otherwise I will be spinnning my wheels, not really sure what to do.
I do not hold any anger in my heart right now, just frustation that I cant talk to my wife, share with her....without getting flustered...but I am going to continue to try and work and focus on the future. The positive future. I will keep everyone posted and I have really enjoyed these...it is hard to find people that will share like this.......including me.
Ryan you open the door by stop blaming!
Submitted by DTC on
I know it is hard for us but we have to admit it is DTC (RYAN) who is causing the problems. We can blame ADD all we want but if we just confess that it is us that is srewing up the marriage then the healing can start. Stop talking about the ADD and start addressing the problems. She does not care about the route of problem she just wants solutions. The blame issue is something we are going to struggle with the rest of our lifes. We just have to be aware of the traps and be responcive to our wives feedback they are there to help.
YOU CAN DO IT.
Admit you are the problem. That is the key to the door.
DTC/all :)
Submitted by tracsport on
I have taken full responsibility for my problems and know I have to work things out. But have you ever felt like you are a sprinter getting ready in the blocks....and right as the gun sounds, you jump out, but someone holds your shoulders down...saying no your not doing it right, what is wrong with you, come on, and then you ask.....how to do it, and you cant do it their way.
I am addressing problems by going to counseling, by taking medication and working with my feelings, trying to slow down....I just want someone else to see that, give a small bit of support, an open door.....so I can go through, and work on this together. A marriage is a partner deal, and I know up to this point I am not the best partner. When you realize the problem, take responsibility (yes i am reading both Dr. Browns book on ADD and Adler's book...taking it all with a grain of salt.)
Keep up the information, I came here to talk, share and go from there....I appreciate the help!
But have you ever felt like
Submitted by Clinging to Life on
deleted. see reason at this link.
Sprinters :)
Submitted by tracsport on
The best part is you keep trying...and trying and trying.