Submitted by Lost1972 on 12/23/2009.
Well, I just had enough tonight and I left. I just didn´t see any way forward. We had the discussion again about the christmas card (described here, a lengthy entry: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/not-getting-through#comment-5641). I tried all possible ways to offer an explanation, the easiest one to call my friend and ask why he had taged the envelope with only my name and our sons name. But my spouse didn't want that or any explanation. I was called a liar which I'm not. We had a big fight. And I just couldn't take it any more, so I left. I'm so exhausted, but I do actually experience, at least at this moment, some relief. I hope I won't ever have to endure anything like the past year again.
Merry christmas.
I'm so sorry
Submitted by BreadBaker on
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I understand the lying and blame game problems. Really, I don't think they mean to do it--they just don't "see" it. They don't understand the world in the same way in which non-ADDers do--they just don't see reality--and if they're in denial about how their condition affects their perceptions, they're going to be very defensive, and sometimes downright nasty about how "wrong" you are.
I realize that this isn't much consolation, and that no matter why they do it, we non-ADD spouses still get horribly hurt. It sounds as though it was a good idea for you to get away from him for a while.
This is my first holiday season without my husband, too, and, although it's been difficult, things are much more peaceful and "workable" without him here to work his ADD all over everything. I understand your feeling of relief, although for me it's been a sad kind of such. My husband is in denial over the extent and seriousness of his condition and its effect on our marriage. It depresses me to see how he's turned all of that pain and denial inward and turned into someone else--someone very cold, very self-destructive--so I keep my distance. I hit bottom with my own pain over this separation some time ago, and am on my way back--I'm working on myself and growing strong again, and regaining the joy and vitality in my life. He's going to have to hit bottom on his own before he feels compelled to look within, understand what really went on, and work on managing his ADD (my guess is that he's going to ruin another marriage, at least, before that happens). Maybe that's what your husband needs, too--to hit bottom on his own before he "gets it"--and your leaving, as difficult as it was, will help him to do that.
I hope you can manage to have a calm holiday. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Take care.
Happy ADD Holiday. That is
Submitted by Clarity on
Happy ADD Holiday. That is behavior I'm familiar with too. Jumping to conclusions, hyperfocused on some distorted perception, the accusations, the name calling. All explanations were misconstrued as if I had some evil agenda against him... there was no way out when he got like that... Getting away was all I could do then and there's no apologies later either... I'm so sorry to hear that happened during the holiday... feel better soon...
Update....
Submitted by Lost1972 on
...hi all,
Well after the scenario, described earlier in this entry, I went back home. The atmosphere has been electric. We've had some fights over this period.
After a weekend of fighting, my spouse left last night.
A few hours ago we had the best conversation we've probably ever had. We both have been feeling horrible. We are afraid that our son is starting to feel bad also. That he is starting to suffer. We almost never come to any decision and end up fighting. We are both exhausted and feel trapped. We feel that we have tried our best, but not been able to work things through. It's both our fault. It's no-ones fault. We are in this together and we share the responsibility together.
We came to the mutual decision to end our relationship. We feel that is the best thing to do, for all of us. We don't want our son to grow up in a home with constant fighting, shouting and blaming. He witnessed us fighting a few days back and beeing only 3 years old, he was saying to us:
- don't fight
- don't shout
- give me hug
- don't cry
- I love you
Thinking back, he was the only one present (of the 3 of us) making any sense. And he is 3 years old.
I've often said that I think that our son is an angle that was sent to us (me and my spouse), to rescue us. And he has.
I feel alot of relief but also some sadness. But since we both have been feeling so badly, it is more of a relief, at least for me. We are going to try to do this (wrap up things in relation to us ending our relationship), as smoothly as possible. It is our common interest and benifit to feel good about ourselves, in order for us to take good care of our son.
Everything will be good. Everything will work out for the best. I belief that. No, I know that.
Thanks for everything you guys, ADHD / ADD or not. We are all children of god and deserve to be happy. That is what I think.
Take care of yourselves and good luck for the futher.
Lost1972 - who is not lost anymore :)