I still don't get it...

So, we had that conversation I was planning on...  Nothing definite decided yet, except that she wants a divorce ASAP (she wants to file as early as next week), she's planning on moving out (but she hopes to stay until next summer, so she can buy some furniture and save up for a down payment on a townhome or a security deposit for an apartment), and both of us want what's best for the kids.

Speaking of which, she did mention (for the first time, ever) that she's enjoyed watching me get more involved with the kids over the last few months, and how she appreciates the extra housework I've been doing.  But then complained about how I don't understand her (how can I, if she never talks to me about anything important?), and the lack of trust, respect, and communication between us (same song, second verse).

Urgh.  I digress.

So, she wants to get a divorce, and she wants to move out.  However, yesterday evening, she tells me...  "I was thinking about Christmas presents for the kids, and about how they're both still kind of sad about the cat dying.  I know I've been enjoying not having to clean a litter box, but what if we got a couple of kittens for them for Christmas?  I know you took caught all those mice, but I don't like the idea of them coming back next year.  It was nice when we had Rascal around to catch them.  Oh!  We could even do classic thing with boxes with holes in the sides and a big bow on top!"

Wait...  What?  I was dumbfounded.  What's going to happen to these cats when she leaves?  Is she going to take them with her? I won't be to afford to take care of them.  I don't even really want more pets right now.  If she's planning on leaving, why is she so worried about mice coming back next fall?

I just don't get it.  Am I missing something here?  I think I need to have another talk with her.

 

Pb.

Reply to ...Don't get it

It's hard to say what is going on with someone else, but I can tell you my experience. While my ex and I were planning on splitting up, he had not yet tried meds. So in my mind, there was still just a little glimmer of hope that the meds would make things work out. Even when I was 99% sure I was moving out, during calm times,  I would occasionally try to make plans that would involve both of us -- I think maybe to test the waters and see if this could be the time we would finally be able to talk things out  like normal people. I was actually trying to plan some major remodeling together for the house until a couple of weeks before I left. With us, however, every time I threw out a chance for him to prove himself, he never came through -- he still was the same old arguer and the discussion always morphed into a fight, even when I thought there might have been some changes in him.

Maybe this is a sign she still has a glimmer of hope? Especially since she pointed out some things she appreciated? Possibly nonchallantly ask her what else she would like to she you change and thank her for noticing the things you have done? (Of course, it could also be that she is afraid you mean business, and she wants to keep stringing you along until it is convenient for her to make her break.) But I would ask her in the nicest way possible if making plans together meant that she still thought there was a chance for reconciliation.

"Speaking of which, she did mention (for the first time, ever) that she's enjoyed watching me get more involved with the kids over the last few months, and how she appreciates the extra housework I've been doing.  But then complained about how I don't understand her (how can I, if she never talks to me about anything important?), and the lack of trust, respect, and communication between us (same song, second verse)."

If I might venture a hypothesis: You acknowledged that she complemented you. So there is something you did that meant something to her and she is letting you know. If she wants to test the waters, then if you responded in a nice way, she may feel like pushing one step further to see if you will act on OTHER things that are important to her -- namely her lack of trust in you, lack of respect for you, and lack of communication with you. Now, here's where you must be very careful. She may be opening the door just a crack to see if you have really changed in the these most important areas. However, I see that YOU are not appreciating a chance to win her back, but instead you are discounting her needs by saying she is COMPLAINING. What you call complaining could possibly be her giving you one more chance to show you will also do the things that are most important to her. Your job therefore would be to find out how you can now regain her trust, earn her respect, and learn how she wants to communicate with you.

By the way, referring to her attempt to communicate her feelings with you as "complaining" and saying that she never wants to talk to you about anything important (such as lack of trust, respect, communication? Those aren't important?????) is VERY VERY disrespectful. Don't blow it, bub.

Pbartender's picture

Somehow, I don't think so...

No, really...  She complains -- complain as in "to express grief, pain, or discontent" -- about the important stuff, but if I ask her about what's wrong or what I can do to help, she won't talk about it, except to complain more.  That's not disrespect,or at least it's not intended as such, it's a simple statement of fact.

"Possibly nonchallantly ask her what else she would like to she you change and thank her for noticing the things you have done?... ...What you call complaining could possibly be her giving you one more chance to show you will also do the things that are most important to her. Your job therefore would be to find out how you can now regain her trust, earn her respect, and learn how she wants to communicate with you."

I have been doing exactly this for the last 14 years.  Secretly testing me to see if I'm ready for a second chance?  Really?  We don't live in a sitcom, and we don't live in a romantic comedy.  How can anyone, ADHD or not, ever pass a test like that when they don't even know they're taking it and they're already not passing it in your opinion?  That, right there, is part of the lack of communication respect and trust.

If you tell her husband exactly what you aren't satisfied about, and he doesn't do anything to fix it, then that's his fault and his problem.  If I ask my wife what's bothering her, and she won't tell me, or if she tells me and is still not satisfied when I do exactly what she asks me to do, then that's her fault and her problem.

I'm tired of playing this game.  I'm tired of guessing what she's thinking and what she wants.  I'm tired of guessing wrong and getting in trouble for it.

"I think maybe to test the waters and see if this could be the time we would finally be able to talk things out  like normal people... ...With us, however, every time I threw out a chance for him to prove himself, he never came through -- he still was the same old arguer and the discussion always morphed into a fight, even when I thought there might have been some changes in him."

In recent months, I've something very similar, but in a slightly less subtle way, with my wife.  To paraphrase...   A week ago, I told her that our current arrangement wasn't working.  That something needed to change.  That we can't keep living in the same house, avoiding and ignoring each other.  I said that I still loved her and cared for her and was willing to do what ever it took to work things out with her, if she wanted to.  But I also said, that I was equally ready and willing to work with her to file for a no contest divorce and complete the split fairly and with the best interests of the kids and the family as a whole in mind.

Her response was to tell me that we were not a family anymore, we were just two people who had children, and that the sooner I accept that and begin to move forward, the easier this process will be for all of us.

See what I mean?  She ignored everything else I said and focused solely on the fact that I said "family", when she doesn't consider us a family anymore.

This morning I discovered that last month, during open enrollment, she removed me from her medical insurance plan (a couple years back, we'd switched to medical insurance through her employer, because it was better coverage and cheaper than what was offered through mine).  She hadn't warned me ahead of time.  Once she did it, she didn't tell me until now, after open enrollment was already over.  That means I only have medical insurance until the end of the year, and then it goes away.  I can't re-enroll until a divorce is final (and with the holidays coming, that's not likely to happen until February or March at the earliest), or until open enrollment in October next fall.  Even then, it may not take effect until the beginning of the next year.  So, right now, I'm facing up to a year without medical or dental coverage, because she didn't trust me enough to give me just a little bit of respect and communicate her intentions which would significantly impact my ability to take care of the kids, financially, if/when we split.

And you're telling me not to blow it?

Sorry, I know what you're trying to say, but I've been apologizing, and placating, and appeasing, and reconciling, and taking the blame for all our problems for years.  I've done everything she's ever asked of me in the hopes that she'll be happy again, but it's never been enough for her.  It's been slowly driving me insane.  Even now at the end, like you, I've still left the door open for her, and she's slamming it in my face.  In every instance, I've forgiven her for her mistakes and given her the benefit of the doubt.  Frankly, in return she's been treating me like shit.

At the moment, I'm simply doing my level best to not respond in kind...  Neither of us can afford that sort of divorce.

Months ago, I posted that she wanted me to give up any hope of us getting back together.  For now, I'll still leave that door open a little, but...  Yeah.  This is me giving up that hope.

 

Pb.

I won't comment on the

I won't comment on the specifics of your communications with your wife, except for this:  her taking you off the insurance and not telling you until now is inexcusable.

Sorry.....

I'm sorry she seems so immature. Good luck in moving on. Life can be better, I'm sure.

Pbartender's picture

And I'm sorry if I was a bit

And I'm sorry if I was a bit snappish...

Part of the reason it bothers me, is that I've always been involved with the kids. She's just never noticed until now.

I'll admit that after I was diagnosed with ADHD, and started taking medication and seeing a counselor it not only helped with the symptoms I hadn't quite gotten a handle on yet, but also with some anxiety and depression and frustration and anger that I was having trouble letting go. I'm really no more or less involved with my kids than I was before, but the quality of that involvement has changed...  I understand them better, I get less frustrated and annoyed with their quirks and deal with it better when I do.  They come to me with their problems and I can help them work through those problems in a way that's meaningful to them. I can walk that fine line between being a Dad who's teaching them how to be responsible adults, and being a Dad who's a friend who likes to have silly fun with them.

That's what she's noticing.

Kicking me out of her medical insurance jeopardizes all that.  Those office visits to the counselor were just a copayment, as were the monthly prescriptions.  Without insurance, they'd both cost hundreds of dollars per month.  I can't possibly afford that...  especially if we divorce.  After December, there is no way I'll be able to continue the treatment that has allowed me to improve my relationship with my kids. 

In effect, she has sabotaged the very thing she was complimenting me for.

As much as I love her and care for her still, right now, I hate her for doing that.

I don't want to go back to feeling and thinking the way I did a year ago.  I can't.

 

Pb.

I understand

I understand. Although I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt, its hard to do--She seems like she is deliberately choosing the low road. I have a question, though. Why does she say she cancelled the insurance? That seems like plain spite. I think if she is that mad, there probably isn't any hope and you might want to cut your losses. Can't you get your own insurance after a divorce?

Pbartender's picture

She said she canceled it,

She said she canceled it, because she did.  I agree about cutting my losses, here.  She's certainly burning bridges.

I can get my own insurance after a divorce, but not until after the divorce...  The rules are that once the divorce is final, you have 30 days to make any changes.  If I miss that window, or a divorce doesn't happen, then I have to wait until open enrollment in October.

 

Pb.

Do you have COBRA rights?

Take it from someone who investigated this vicious circle from all angles...

You need to keep taking your meds and getting your counseling. Since she took you off her insurance, will you have the right to COBRA? (Her company's HR department should be able to tell you.) I would also go to your HR department and beg them to make an exception and let you get on your company's plan.

If not, can you look into getting help from your county mental health agency. My husband got help that way. We also got help from the psychology department of the local university. You might check with your local NAMI office. Those folks usually know all the resources.

I hope she didn't leave your kids off her insurance without telling you.

You seem like a resourceful guy. Maybe you've already thought of all these things.

Pbartender's picture

COBRA? Nope.

Already looked it up...

"The qualifying event requirement is satisfied if the event is (1) the death of a covered employee; (2) the termination (other than by reason of the employee's gross misconduct), or a reduction of hours, of a covered employee's employment; (3) the divorce or legal separation of a covered employee from the employee's spouse; (4) a covered employee becoming entitled to Medicare benefits under Title XVIII of the Social Security Act; or (5) a dependent child ceasing to be a dependent child of the covered employee under the generally applicable requirements of the plan and a loss of coverage occurs."

...also...

"Under the statute, a qualified beneficiary is someone who "is a beneficiary under the plan" (i.e., is covered under the plan) immediately prior to the qualifying event..."

So...  What this means I don't qualify for COBRA now because I was voluntarily removed from the plan, and I also won't qualify for it later because I'm not covered by a plan.

Not much I can do about it now, over the weekend, but I'll be giving HR a call tomorrow morning.

And no, didn't remove the kids...  just me.

 

Pb.

a possible hope

Just wondering. My sister used to work in Human Resources. She told me once that they had the ability to make exceptions past the open enrollment date. Perhaps if you talk to someone there and explain the situation? Would your spouse help you with this in any way if you explain to her how devastating it is going to be for you to be without insurance? 

I don't know if these things may help. I met with an attorney for one hour last week and got so much helpful information, it was amazing. Maybe someone out there could help you? 
 

Hang in there. 

Pbartender's picture

I just occurred to me... That

I just occurred to me... That DW might have done this as a sort of retaliation for me not immediately telling her what had happened with DS.  I noticed this morning that her open enrollment period doesn't end until Wednesday, while mine ended more than two weeks ago.

That is something I know I messed up and I'm terribly sorry for it, and I want to talk to her about it and what happened with DS...  But she won't.  "I'm not ready to listen to anything you have to say."  Which I could deal with, if I thought she ever would be ready to hear anything I have to say.  Historically, it seems like she's always not ready to hear want I have to say.

Whatever...  Time to go talk to HR and see if they can do anything about my medical insurance.

 

Pb.

Write her a letter.  This is

Write her a letter.  This is a very big deal.  I would be steaming mad if I hadn't been told something like this immediately, too.

Pbartender's picture

I know.  I fully admit that

I know.  I fully admit that it was a big, though inadvertent, mistake on my part.

I did write a letter to her.  I don't know if she's read it...  I'm not sure if it'll even make a difference.  Her behavior at home is like nothing happened.

 

Pb.

I'm glad you wrote her a

I'm glad you wrote her a letter. The fact that she has not responded is not good but, unfortunately or not, out of your control.

Pbartender's picture

Boy, did I get lucky...

This year, the lab required everyone to re-enroll for medical benefits, even if they were already enrolled.  Since I had waived medical benefits last year so I could be on my wife's plan, I hadn't turned the form in yet and was waiting for HR to get back to me with more information, because I was uncertain what I was supposed to do.

Since I hadn't turned in the form yet, HR let me just fill it out and turn it in...  albeit very, very late.  So, luckily, I'll still have coverage.  That's a load off my chest.

 

Pb.

whew.

So glad this worked out Pbar!!!  sheesh....

In my (very unprofessional and unscientific) opinion I think MULTIPLE things are going on with your wife.  (besides my belief that she is more ADHD than you are)

I think it's possible that she isn't mad at you for not telling her what happened with DS, so much as mad at HERSELF for not noticing anything about his behavior or the visible physical evidence that something dangerous was going on.

What you went through when your father died & your family unraveled is unbelievable.  I don't know how the hell you managed to do that.  I am in awe.  Nobody has the right to tell you to 'get over it' no matter how much time has passed.  Regardless of how crappy her childhood was, your wife is an adult now and needs to grow up.

It seems with the plans and the cats etc. that she is being manipulative.  stringing you along for some reason (buying her time to save up?  who knows?)  You can bet she'll ditch you with the cats ('oh, but I couldn't take them with me, they're for the kids!')

Dumping you from her insurance without telling you is the last straw for me, I must confess.  I'd hoped there was some way it could work, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt.  But damn, boy.... I think you need to think about yourself and your kids.

could you ask your therapist to recommend a mediator of some sort to work through how to help your son?  You guys are definitely not alone: I heard a report last year (NPR I think?) about this trend occurring with kids all over the country.  The report made no mention of ADHD or Autism or anything else.  They were all presumably neuro-typical and some were surprisingly young. 

You're going to be OK, Pbartender.  This sucks, but you are strong and you are very, very smart.  You know now how to see when you're being treated unfairly, and you deserve to stand up for yourself.  If your wife tries to candy-coat the insurance thing or convince you that it was anything other than a calculated plan to completely f*ck you over, call her on that bullshit.  Do NOT let her piss in your face and tell you it's just raining. Again.

Hang in there!

Ellamenno

 

I have a different take on

I have a different take on the "not telling."  I think it might have made Pbar's wife very angry, both because she was not told immediately about a life-threatening incident involving one of her children and because she was humiliated as a parent by having her lack of knowledge revealed to someone outside the family.  She might have felt like she was being treated as "not a mom."  Her pulling of Pbar from the insurance was not warranted but seems to me to be a way to get back at him ("I'm not going to take care of you") for him not taking looking after her interests as a mother.  

Water over the dam, perhaps; but please folks, don't leave your spouses in the dark about things involving your children.

Pbartender's picture

Yeah, I've got agree with

Yeah, I've got agree with Rosered, here...  She WAS angry.  Almost certainly for the exact reasons Rosered suggests.  And I don't blame her for that.  Like I said, despite by best intentions toward making certain my son was safe above all else, not telling her immediately was something I screwed up big time.  There were several reasons that contributed to the mistake -- some ADHD-related, some not -- but I won't make excuses.  It was my mistake, it was my fault, and if she would listen I would apologize and do my best to explain and repair the damage it caused.

And while it's feasible she was getting revenge on me for that, I'm not entirely certain that was her intent.  The other possibility is that she's been looking for a "reason" to finish the split and begin the process of filing for divorce.  I has occurred to me that all of her "bad girl" behavior in the last year have been (not entirely successful until now) attempts to push me away and push me into wanting to leave her.  So, now she's using this as a "last straw" excuse to start separating for real.

She has already mentioned that keeping separate finances is important to her.  I think that the insurance was her initial attempt to begin the financial separation, but that she didn't do all the homework and research to understand how health insurance works during a divorce, and what exactly would happen if she voluntarily removed me before the divorce was finalized. 

In other words, she may have had more of a "I'm done with him" vibe going through her head than a "I'm gonna get him back" vibe, and the rest was simply bad planning...  Which, in all honesty, fits her usual MO.  She's always had a habit of letting her emotions -- good or bad -- get the better of her and then ends up jumping into something before she really understands the consequences.  Impulse control?  There may be something behind your ADHD idea -- or something similar to it -- ellamenno.

Either way, whatever the intentions were, it was just as much a crap move as what I pulled.  I was just as mad about it, and I had good reasons to be.  But it over, the situation is as fixed as it's going to get, and I'm moving on.

Despite what's going on now, I don't think the marriage has been recoverable for a long time.  I just hadn't realized it until very recently.  In hindsight, she'd given up working on the marriage a long, long time ago...  and one person can't fix that sort of problem on their own.

So, yesterday I warned DW that I've got a meeting with my insurance agent this afternoon, and will be asking him to cancel her car insurance and life insurance policy (I'll need the spare money to pay for my medical plan)...  that she'll need to set up her own.  I also warned her that I will no longer be paying her credit card bills or her student loan payments.  I also wanted to ask her to her chip in some monthly "rent" as long as she was staying at the house to help with the mortgage and utilities, but I'm not sure if she was really listening...  She seemed kind of dazed.

It's an odd thing to love someone so deeply, and still very nearly hate her at the same time.  I really don't want her to go, and want so badly to work things out.  But also on some level, I think I'm looking forward to not having to deal with soap-opera-like drama on a daily basis.

 

Pb.

Of course she was angry...

and maybe felt deliberately left out and/or embarrassed that an outside person knew about it, but don't you see Pbartender, you did not 'pull' anything???

("Either way, whatever the intentions were, it was just as much a crap move as what I pulled.")

You TRIED on several occasions to talk to her about what happened.  You are so used to being shut down that you were afraid to push harder when she ignored you.  That is not 'pulling' any crap.  Plus she'd dismissed your grief over the death of your father, so how were you to know if she'd even believe you??  Yes, it would have been better to have told her.  Yes, she's mad.  But you had no hurtful intentions.  You were not TRYING to withhold anything.

The reason she looked dazed when you explained you would no longer be paying her credit cards and student loans is I bet she FORGOT you were covering these expenses for her.  the dazed look on her face was, "oh... crap.... now *I* have to pay for my own purchases..."

Revenge?

Wow, not telling her about your son's possibility of hurting himself is HUGE. Why would you not tell her? Is it possible this is not just a big-time screwup, but a reflection of how you typically act in your relationship? To me, this doesn't seem like just a mistake on your part, but maybe some kind of revenge of your own. This is you son's LIFE!!!! And the revenge by canceling HER car insurance, etc. -- sometimes I think you are not telling us everything -- just what you want us to believe. You do realize that you probably can't legally do that if you are divorcing, until it is legalized, don't you? You sound so wonderful at times, but so did my ex (to other people). Sorry.

Pbartender's picture

I actually worry about this a

I actually worry about this a lot, Lynnie...  that deep down, despite knowing what the right thing to do was and truly wanting to do it, the little part me of DOES want to get back at her for some of the things she's done (and let's all be honest, ALL of us here have heard that voice whispering at one time or another...  and many of us have listened to it) snuck out while I wasn't looking and sabotaged my efforts to do right.  Hate the idea that if I'm not perfectly in control of my emotions, if I can't keep anger and sadness and worry and frustration and anxiety completely that I might end up doing something so unforgivably mean to someone I care about.

It makes me feel like Jekyll and Hyde.  I feel like I can't afford to express or share my negative emotions for fear of doing something like what I did to my wife.

I try to be as honest as I possibly can about myself, not just my successes, but my mistakes and failing, as well.  Granted, just like everyone else here, what I share comes from my own perspective, my own point of view and my own experience...  I'll admit, that just like everyone else here, what I post may be a little biased at times.  I try to not let it be, but when any of us is feeling frustrated and angry and emotional, it still happens at least a little.

And that's why, after the fact, once I've calmed down a little and can see things a little more clearly, I come back here and try to admit to my own contributions to the mistake and try to see her side of things.  I hope that it'll help me do better and avoid the same mistake next time.  It helps me not demonize her, to understand how she might feel just as wronged by what I did as I feel about what she did.  It helps me forgive both her and myself for the mistakes we each make.

If you haven't read it, you can follow the link in my previous post to an explanation in the other thread about my son of why I failed to tell her right away.  It boils down to an emotional overload leading to a sort of mental paralysis, super-duper-ultra-extra-mega-hyperfocus on helping my son, bad timing approaching my wife, stage fright about approaching my wife with something so big, and frustration at being unable to express the severity and seriousness of what I wanted to talk about.

It's like what my autistic son always says, when he loses control of his temper...  I just couldn't think.

I feel terrible about this, because these are all things that I had been working on since I started counseling, and I thought I had made modest improvements on all of them.  But I couldn't hold it together this time, and it all fell apart in a disastrously spectacular way.  It's the sort of all-or-nothing reaction I would have had when I was at my worst before I started treatment, and I'm beating myself up over it.

This is NOT how I want to react to stressful situations -- I hate not being in control of my emotions, my thoughts and my actions.  This is NOT who I want to be -- I don't want to be scared to talk to someone I love about difficult things, and I don't want to feel the need to hide important things from them.

This is exactly why I was so worried about losing my medical coverage.  I've been doing so well more often then not, but I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect and that even though I'm trying my best, I still sometimes slip up.  Sometimes in a big way.  I just wish that my wife was someone who could recognize and acknowledge how hard I'm trying, and understand and forgive me when my best isn't quite good enough.

 

Pb.

I admire your courage and

I admire your courage and honesty.  Both are things I wish my spouse had more of.

Pbartender's picture

Thanks, Rosered...  Though, I

Thanks, Rosered...  Though, I can't honestly say that it feels like I've got much of either, right now.

 

Pb.

Hated to read about your situation, PB

I was so sad when I came here checking up on everyone to read that you and your wife are probably going to end your marriage.  It feels so sad to see things end that way.  Please know you have my deepest sympathy!

As far as the situation with your son.  OH MY GOODNESS was that a nightmare scenario in every way.  I am very happy to read that you understand why your wife would be feeling so angry over not being informed.  The level of anger I would feel against you (completely justified in my opinion and I believe in your opinion also based on what you've written) is impossible for me to even fathom.  There would likely be no quick forgiveness though.  That kind of thing can never ever happen again.  If you are divorced and you keep her out of the loop in that way, I believe there could be real action taken against you.  It is just unacceptable and I believe you know that.

Reading what was going through your mind and how it caused you flashbacks to other emergency situations was heart breaking too.  I am so sorry for what you have been through :(  But in this case, your wife really does have the right of it.  Regardless of what your issues are with your wife, neither of you has any right whatsoever to keep something so serious from the other parent.  THEY ARE THE PARENT.  They HAVE to be told what is going on with the child.  If you felt frozen for an hour.....I would be angry but could be brought to understand.  Anything more than that cannot be excused.....explained of course but it is still unacceptable for any reason.  You went DAYS without telling her when your child was in a life threatening emergency and then you weren't even the one to ultimately tell her anything.......no parent would accept that, nor should they.

It doesn't matter what your intention was (though of course I am sure hearing your reasons, when she finally calms down enough to hear them, will make her aware that it wasn't a deliberate slight) what matters is what your action (or inaction in this case) was and how that impacted your family.

If the worst had happened, and your wife hadn't even been informed that there was an issue........well that is 100% inexcusable in every way. 

One other thing I wanted to mention from the nonADD standpoint, is that while I am sure that you were doing absolutely everything you could think of to  help your son; absolutely everything that you could think of might be (and probably is) less than what the two of you could have thought up together.  Your wife may have had some really good ideas to help your son cope that you just didn't come up with during the crisis.  I know you were focused on helping your son, but you also admit that was a part of you during that time that 'just couldn't think'.

I always know that my husband is doing things in the best way that he can think of.  Generally he finds a way to get things done, and frequently it is even done in an efficient way, but there are also many times when I come up with an idea that just didn't occur to him that gets the job done better/faster/etc.  There is a reason the Bible says one of the benefits of being a couple is that 2 are better than 1.  Two heads definitely would have been better than one in this case.

You and your wife have both been very disrespectful to each other.  For a long time your posts have at least hinted at, if not outright said, that you believe yourself to be the better parent for whatever reasons.  I wouldn't stand for that attitude out of you for so much as 5 seconds if I were your wife.  And her disrespect and childish behavior is fairly well documented at this point. Such a sad sad state of affairs.  

She acted like a child over the insurance in my opinion.  Sounds just spiteful to me and I think she could definitely get in trouble for it if that happened while in the middle of a divorce....she is probably fortunate that she did her stupidity before the papers were filed. 

 

Wishing the very best for both of you!!

Pbartender's picture

Suffice it to say, Aspen that

Suffice it to say, Aspen that yes, I do understand the severity of my mistake.

"Just couldn't think" is the way my son describes it his imperfect autistic way of trying to describe what was going on inside his head.  While similar, it is, perhaps, not the best way to describe what was going through my mind...  And I'm not sure if I can adequately describe it.  "Mental tunnel vision" might be more accurate.  I could think, and I was thinking a mile a minute for a day and a half straight, but the only thing I could think of was my son.  It was like being a heat-seeking missile, locked onto a target.  Everything else was in the blurry peripheral vision of my mind, and while I was aware of those other things on some level my mind simply wouldn't giving them consideration until I was certain my son was safe.

And you are correct...  A lack of respect, of trust, of communication in our relationship are all things we've both acknowledged in the last few days.  There's a negative feedback loop with that...  You can't forgive each other for mistakes without respect and trust and communication, but it's also hard to build respect and trust and communication with the ability and will to forgive mistakes.  So, one of us makes a mistake and we lose just a little bit of trust and respect, we fail to communicate effectively and before we can get it all back, one of us makes another mistake.  It's been slowly eating away at the relationship for years.  We've both finally come to the point where we recognize that.  Where we seem to differ is that I think, with effort and help, we could get it all back.  From my point of view, at least, she seems to have given up and refuses to consider options that we haven't tried yet.  She says "we aren't a family", and right now, she's right.  We aren't exactly acting the way a family should.  But does that mean we can't be a family again?  Why does it have to be a statement of proof that things are finished?

Interjection!  I can see how many of my complaining, ranting, get-the-frustration-off-my-chest posts might have looked like they were implying that she was a bad parent, or that I was a better parent.  I want to let you know, though, that I think nothing of the sort.  I know full well how much she loves her children.  She would give life for them.  Though I might show it in a different way than she does, I feel exactly the way and understand completely.  Over the past few months, some of her actions and choices have worried me.  I was worried about the example she was setting for her daughter.  I was worried how those actions and choices would affect her relationship with the kids.  I was sensitive to this, because in the past, before I was diagnosed, I likewise didn't always set the best example and it did have significant impact on my relationship with my son in particular.  It was a big reason for my determination to make myself a better person after my diagnosis.   I hated to see her making what looked like the same mistake, even while knowing that it was her choice and not mine to make.

Digression over!  Anyway, someone on these boards, I forget who, has said many times that in-house separation doesn't work.  This is proof of that.  It really changed nothing.  We still didn't have the breathing space to put enough distant us and each other's mistakes.  We were still emotionally bumping into each other on a daily basis, and making new mistakes.  Nothing was getting better.

But as it's been said so many times on these message boards...  One person can't fix a two person problem.  So, she has decided, and I'm rather resigned to the fact, that it's better to end it now while we can still find a way to work together fairly and in the best interests of the kids, instead of continuing on until everything gets so bad that there's no way to end the marriage without anger and fighting and lawyers.

It may be that neither of us was really meant for this sort of long-term relationship...  She has always had a need for personal independence.  With few exceptions, she gets uncomfortable relying on others, and doesn't like others relying on her.  And while I too value my independence, I find it too easy to lose myself in others as I get close to them. 

In other news, we're both moving along...  I did visit our insurance agent last night.  Technically, we're still both on the same policy, but we removed my name as the secondary from her car insurance and her name from mine.  We canceled the life insurance (which was only on me), sine both of us get much better life insurance much cheaper from our employers.  And we split her car insurance off, so that she'll get her own separate bill in the mail.

I'm waiting on some recommendations from friends on local attorneys and divorce mediators, so maybe we can get some advice on how to figure the best terms with regards to the kids.

 

Pb.

Pbartender's picture

Oh...  And cancelling her car

Oh...  And cancelling her car insurance isn't meant to be revenge by any means.  She has asked to start separating our finances...  the medical insurance thing was part of that, and so is the car insurance.  I've already told her ahead of time that I was going to meet with our insurance agent and ask him about it, and I'll make sure she's got plenty of time find her own policy...  Thinking about it, I could probably ask him if it was possible to simply split the policies.  So, that she could still keep her current coverage, but it would be billed to her and not me.

 

Pb.

best to you

Pbartender, I am going through this -- separating from my spouse, who is not behaving in an admirable way--right now. Nothing is sadder than a family breaking up, and I am sorry--it is the worst to try to be your best self and to be handed cr*p in return. I agree, dumping you from the health insurance without telling you and leaving you in a situation in which you now cannot get any for yourself--this is a serious trust breach, and in general, just a horrible thing to do to someone. Maybe she cannot deal with talking about things. Maybe she did it to be mean to you. Maybe she is a narcissist, who knows? 

Just try to control what you can and understand that you are only responsible for your own behavior, and that you have no control over hers. At least, know that I have found some relief in finally accepting that I will not be able to come to an understanding with my soon-to-be-ex about almost everything. We are just on different planets (his is a rather nuts one, I think!) -- but I will probably not ever be able to make him "see" things the way I do. And not only is an acrimonious divorce monetarily expensive, it is also emotionally so. Hang in there. This article about dealing with manipulative people really helped me figure out how to respond to my spouse when he is nasty, narcissistic, or manipulative: http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Up-on-Manipulative-Behavior

Best of luck to you.