Individuality....VS....Unity in marriage.....

Can a person keep their Individuality, and still be responsible to their commitment as a spouse?....You can find many differing opinions on this particular subject....My thoughts on this subject is Yes....But! (Big But)....Any one who say's (or lives it out)  their individualism is a reason to not discipline their lives toward unity in the relationship, don't want a unified relationship....They want their way (Selfishness)....

There are many things that hinder our relationships, (add/adhd can be one of those things, when used as an excuse) but, nothing I've experienced is a bigger hindrance, than a life mate who excuses themselves selfishly...What does a healthy marriages take?? How do we get there?? A desire for unity, love and sharing that is bigger than our own personal desires and self interests?? Two committed people who do not make excuses for not disciplining their lives?? Is it OK to say I don't want to spend time with my children?? (meals, baths, home work, play, discipline) Is it OK to make these kind of statements to my spouse?? (You should have found out who you were marrying!!) OR (That's just who I am!!) There is one thing many counselors agree on....Selfishness is the biggest hindrance to our relationships.....

I have found out in my own marriage, and in my own life, that I need to be careful about identifying ***my wife's problems*** She has them, and so do I....But, I've learned (through much pain and sin against her) that I can't say anything to change her....I can say some things that make it worse LOL....A lot worse!....I can do some things that help...But those things aren't manipulative in nature....They are simply just never enabling or mothering, being quiet, letting her watch her husband hopefully be calm, patient  and live peacefully, no matter what's going on with her. (Acceptance). When I do speak, speak love and kindness, and never expect a reply...(Just be what I want)

The truth is...(IMO of course) Many of us, including me, really do not think we have any type of an A typical marriage....And again, just my opinion, but, we probably never will, with our present spouses....But I also think that is OK, I don't think it gives me an excuse to not do the work of the marriage that I vowed to do... No, my happiness isn't her responsibility as much as I would like to blame it on her at times....

IMO and experience what keeps a dysfunctional living spouse (one who excuses selfishness and irresponsibility) happy and thriving in their present lives, is comfort....Comfort??? Yes comfort....My spouse has a mind that is dominated by many interests...Our marriage use to be the least of these...(Saw the responsibility of it as a ball and chain)...It's definitely still her reality in many ways, but, she has improved quiet a bit over the past year or two...Why? When I quit complaining, when I quietly just started living my life....When I wasn't setting here just waiting for her to take time for me (put me on her schedule) she got uncomfortable....I can accept my wife, and I can be a positive and loving husband...But, when she puts people places and things ahead of our marital relationship (to busy for us) my life doesn't go on hold any longer....It use to, because that is what my late wife of thirty years and I had...So I was stuck in a mind-set that said...****Marriage means two**** So all pointing that out for years did was create arguments and hurt feelings for both of us.....

Are you making it easy for your spouse to not confront themselves about their behaviors?? Are you keeping them comfortable, by allowing your life to be dominated by their life styles? Enabling? Mothering? Let them watch you live the life you would want for the two you....Don't get old with a lot of regrets....You can love and be faithful to your spouse, and still enjoy your own life....It will shock them, but, when it does, don't allow their false sense of lost control cause guilt in you....My wife goes and does, and does w/o out much more than a text, and that is just some times...If she can't put her finger on me....The questions start....Where were you when I got up?...Who were you with?...What were you doing?....I never play games....I give her kind answers....But I also may say...Hey what is up w/ the third degree....I don't know where you are, much of the time....Yep....When they see we have a happy life, with OR without them...They might re-think their life styles....Hmmm...not so comfortable, with my spouse living like I do....LOL....