I'm in a delimma. My wife believes that I have ADHD and that this is the cause of our currant marital problems. We have been married for 19 years and my 17 yo was just diagnosed with ADHD this summer. She actually only met criteria on the parental questionnaire but was close enough on the teacher assessment that her pediatrician started her on meds and they do seem to be helping. At my wife's request I have read the book and I definitely see similarities in our relationship. I plan to discuss this with my doctor this week, but I truly do not believe that I have ADHD, but I am definitely willing to entertain the notion and recognize that i have some of the traits.
i am 45 and I am a physician. I am meticulous in my records and I pride myself on clarity of thought and an organized, problem focused assessment of my patients. My wife does not work other than some extremely part time work that is more for her fulfillment. We have three children all two years apart.
Shortly after children, we started to disconnect at times but would work it out. Now that they are older, it has become harder. A year and a half ago, we were best friends looking forward to the end of the day together. For the last year we have again drifted apart. She resents me immensely, and that resentment has only grown. I resent her too for constant belittling comments and petty attempts at emasculation.
I have never understood the basis for her resentment. I believe it is simply resentment at the fact that I have a fairly dominant personality (we both do, mine is just a bit more) but I know that it is more than that. Shortly after our first child, she had some post partum depression and she was venomous to me. I realized that she was trying to push me away and simply sat on the floor in front of her and said "I'm not leaving you." She cried and admitted that she was scared that I was ultimately going to leave so she tried to push me away so she could be in control. Over the years, her defensiveness has not lessened. Whenever challenged, she immediately attacks.
most recently, we have had a huge distance between us, emotionally and physically. My frustrations were clearly coming to a head and she felt this. While visiting her parents she found this book and it resonated with her. On her return she asked me to read it and moved out of our bedroom. I stayed up tonight and read the book. The blame aspects, the anger, it's all there. I'm just not convinced I am the source. This may be denial but I am open minded and will explore this.
As mentioned, I definitely have the traits. I have way too many hobbies and I start tons of hobby related projects that I don't complete, I am (or was) the fun parent. When I do something, I'm "all in!" My wife definitely handled the house and house finances but I handled all business finances. I am also the flowers for no special occasion guy. I play guitar to her while she falls asleep. I get up and cook breakfast for the whole family (less often now as my dissatisfaction grows). We were still going on regular dates. It has been since Mother's Day that I brought her breakfast in bed, but does that sound like she is ignored (my words, not hers)?
I'm hurting. We both are. I'm going to the doc and be tested for ADHD, but I can't escape the thought that this "diagnosis" is a tidy box for her to simultaneously diminish everything positive I have brought to the relationship while at the same time absolving herself of blame. Maybe I'm too hurt to see it clearly. Any insights appreciated.
Thanks and God Bless.