Jekyll and Hyde

Can anyone relate to this?  I feel as though I am living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!!  Younger folks might know what that term means, and of course, if you know the story, I am being a bit extreme since my ADHD husband is not a homicidal maniac as was Mr. Hyde.  But my point is that it is like I wake up to a different person every morning.  One morning he will be mild mannered and sweet and the next morning, or sometimes by the afternoon he is sullen, angry and hostile.

After basically bashing me the night before last, by the evening and into this morning he was just as sweet and loving as he could be.  No mention of his mean words - no apology - it's like it never happened.  This happens to us all the time and it just really leaves me off balance.  And God forbid that I ever try to bring up the argument or the things he said because his response will vacillate from an annoyed sigh to a blustery temper tantrum.  I need to find a way to put the fun in dysfunctional, 'cause I can tell you this:  I've enjoyed about all of this I can for one lifetime!

Runner

Dr. J and Mr. H

Hi Runner... I'm an ADDer, diagnosed at age 43 much to my surprise like most of us adults with ADD. I cannot remember if I read if your DH was on meds for his ADD. I can tell you the first time I took Adderall I could not believe how much better I felt. The first few months are really tough for all parties involved. The Non-ADDer is already worn out in most cases it seems and is asked to have patience in their ADDer while they adjust to life Out of the Fog. I went through a range of emotions: 1 - Finally a name for what I have always experienced (Good and Bad) 2 - Regret for hurting the ones around me, especially my wife and family. 3 - Sadness for all the "Could have beens" 4 - Anger at the A-Holes who treated me like crap 5 - Understanding "Why" the A-holes were irritated    6 - Happy for the future because I can handle things better 7 - Anxiety over wondering if too much damage was done to my marriage, I could probably go on. Bad behavior is bad, period, but there is a lot to re-learn as an ADDer, like being able to see more than 5 minutes ahead, instead of being oblivious to most things, now I am seeing facial expressions, body language, trying to properly hear tone. There is tons of new info to process. I was lucky that Adderall worked so well for me with little in the way of side effects. My mood is not nearly as "Laid-Back" as it used to be, but I think most would say I was still pretty laid-back. I can communicate instead of shut-down like the old days, my wife is still adjusting to this and she does not always get the last word anymore or get to Choose what she thought I was saying while I was shut-down. I can apologize when I'm wrong, not that I like being wrong ;)

Getting the meds right, relearning bad coping skills and accepting ALL that comes with the disorder are key. Until the ADDer "Get's It", it will not be easy...

You have become my go-to man.

You have become my go-to man. Could you please elaborate on what it was like before meds in regards to facial expressions, body language, tone, and shutting down? I think you and my husband were separated at birth!

Before meds... Uggggggh...

I'm glad my ramblings help :)

I've got to run, but basically I was oblivious to what you see as obvious. Facial expressions, body language and tone, I either missed completely or misread. Shutting down was generally due to Extreme anxiety, guilt, shock and exhaustion. I was exhausted by 5pm on a good day, so by the time any conflicts would occur it would be late in the evening when I'm really tired. No matter how much I wanted to stay engaged, I could hardly force myself to stay awake. Boy... does that make me look bad, feel bad and there is no way to explain it before now. I was 100 lbs over-weight, moderately severe sleep apnea, ADD with a stressful job and two young kids. I thought it was normal to be tired all the time...

Today is completely different... Alert, engage in communication at any time (Later is still harder, but do-able), 5 - 6 hours sleep feels like 10 from the old days and I don't miss much of the BL, FE or Tone. The part I had to work on the most was gaging my reactions to the previously unseen forms of communication. I'm "Not Quite" the push-over I used to be ;)

Were you guilty of accusing

Were you guilty of accusing your wife of yelling when she wasn't? Did you mistake all emotions that weren't happy as anger? For example, she was frustrated by something at work, but you saw it as anger? How about fear? My husband always says he is afraid of conflicts. He can't handle ANYTHING! He gets wigged out if I am  CONFUSED about something he is telling me. I will be accused of yelling and being angry. It really is crazy! I can't reason with him. I'll tell him I wasn't the least bit angry, I was just confused. And he'll say, then why were you yelling? Then I say I wasn't yelling, I wasn't angry, i was just confused. I know you and I talked about validation, but aren't we arguing about MY feelings. I mean WTF? Why wouldn't he just believe me when I say I wasn't angry? It's so bizarre! Thanks! Your "ramblings" are my words of wisdom!

I'm not much of an accuser...

There is no mistaking when my DW is angry. That was how she got my attention about what she was fed up about. What I was supposed to have noticed by then. My mind reading skills were not very good. I don't care for conflict, who does, right?!? The problem was that conflict only came on her schedule. So when it started, she had the agenda and had prepared for the argument and I usually had no idea it was coming or what it was about. This situation is not new to me and I had been through it long before meeting my DW. Maybe seeing your confusion or frustration over something (Maybe not realizing it was not him) gets him defensive, because your frustration can be with him. It can be like one of the few things you notice to give a little "heads up" for the conflict.

I'm kind of guessing, as I don't know your DH, but I could get a little tense in this kind of situation because even if it is not me she was frustrated with. Would I say the right things to help, should I just agree with what she is upset about, or give her a possible different angle on the situation? Worse... Would I get distracted by something and miss a key sentence, then say something that clearly means I missed something and then be accused of not paying attention at all, because of one distracted moment? 

I know I'm rambling now... I'm not sure why he would not believe you when you say that you were not mad. Maybe he is REALLY bad reading  tone of voice and facial expressions. I used to, and still do tell my DW she needs to go to Facial Expression Recognition School ;) She will see something in my expression (Usually when I am feeling No particular Emotion at all) and ask me What is Wrong??? You Look so angry/mad/sad??? She will be blown away when I say "Nothing is wrong/sad/maddening" and ask why she thought I was, then think I was making it up that I was not upset, like I am not telling her something. She thinks she has figured something out and my expressions gave away the clues. I know it is because I did not communicate well that she needed to try and draw conclusions based on other clues. The thing is, I have always felt like I had to Show the expressions I thought people expected me to have in a situation (Faking one to blend in) so... When I zone out or relax, my expressions can just drop off or maybe hang, because I not trying to express a feeling. Geeez... I'm reading my own ramble and it sounds crazy to me, but it really is true in my case. 

Thanks for listening...

Thanks so much!

Thank you so much - that was so helpful.  He is still not at the point to really clearly convey to me what is going on so this helps a ton to enable me to be patient.  Today was actually a good day!

runner

Anytime :)

I'm glad to help and that you had a good day! 

I have the ADHD and my husband blames me for everything

Im married and im the one who has the ADHD.  I have had it most of my life but its only been about a year that I have been feeling better and out of the "fog".  I have been with my husband for 16 years and married for almost 6 years.  The problem I have is that I am to blame for anything n everything that goes on in our lives. The check engine light goes on in our car and its my fault, the Lowes worker that gave me the wrong flashlight bulb is my fault.  I'm constantly reminded that if we lose our home to forclosure, its my fault and that we are thru. Even though I try and keep a budget and try and make sure we have the money to pay our bills but he thinks we are made of money and taps mac all the time taking money out so he can go to the bar. I get its my fault that I ruin his time at the bar because I have an attitude.  yes i have an attitude because he'S having an emotional affair with one of the bar maids.

I am disabled as well. i had scoliosis as a child n just had my 3rd operation this past October 2011. So I am still recouping and going thru physical therapy 3 days a week. I do my best to keep a clean home, dinner on the table, clean,fold, and put away clean clothes and try  and keep the bills paid and us afloat. But I can tell you this, when he comes home I never get hi honey im home with a kiss.  Im lucky he comes home. There are times i have dinner waiting n have to text him to see where hes at, which i already know. Hes at the bar to see his girlfriend. He doesnt have any consideration to text me to tell me hes stopping non the less ask me if i would like to join him.  

Over the summer I really lost the taste to drink and sit at a bar for hours. Thank God!  Having adhd n try n sit at a bar for hours on end doesnt work for me anymore  I just wish the same feeling happens to my husband.  Theres just too much to do around the house or places that I would like to visit instead of my butt getting sore sitting on a bar stool and getting drunk. Plus i dont want a DUI..

I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont argue with him when hes been drinking because i get no where.  Im tired of being disappointed when he promises that we will do something and then we end up not doing it. My husband is a Dr. Jeckle and a Mr. Hyde.  You can never tell who hes going to be when he gets home after work  There are days during tne week where I will text him just to take his "temperature" to get an idea of whats in store for me when he gets home.  I feel even with my disability that I do everything but wipe his butt.

There is no praises or gee honey the house looks great, good job. And definately no PDA, public display of affection, not even in private.  Only when he wants something.

With my Adhd, i am taking Adderal, which is a godsend. Without it I am a zombie, cant focus, and just plain miserable. I no that I am a good person who loves her husband and I do my best everyday to do what needs to be done. And I try my best to make my husband happy. I do reconize with having Adhd that I too have my issues and I am not a peach to live with but hes just unreasonable. And i cant forget the double standards which basically means he can do what he wants but if I want to do the same thing, oh no. No way in hell.

 

Unfortunately leaving him is not an option at this moment. Im looking for suggestions on what i can do. Because now I am having panic attacks around the time hes done work and on his way home.  This is not away to live