literally don't know what to do...

I'm not even angry or frustrated anymore, just dead and numb inside...

my story is the same as most all other non's on here, so i'll spare that part, but this is new and has my nerves worn slap down to where I just want to literally physically run away - delusions. And I mean, real delusions. I don't mind entertaining ideas and fantasies to an extent, but i'm the only one working in this household to the tune of around 60+ hours a week, all for him to sit on the internet all day and register internet domains at $50 a pop and go file $200 dba filings with the county, all for this idea based on something that is NOT EVEN REAL.....

i just can't anymore, i'm spent...i've stayed and stayed and fought and fought, both with him and within myself, believing all the time that what i'm doing is right...but i can't fight these delusions, when someone will fight you down to the ground, to the death, because what they believe in their head is real reality, and everyone else is the crazy, stupid, uneducated, country, backwards, you name it, i've been it all...and all i have to say is 'i don't think that x is, because y...'

this is not what real life is supposed to be like and i'm having a hard time believing in my faith that God really wants me to die trying to love this man though he doesn't deserve it (by the world's standards) and certainly does not love me...he doesn't love anyone or anything past the tip of his nose...those are just facts, and i've accepted it, mostly...

i just don't know what to do...almost exactly half the time i feel like i have some strength to stay and fight, the other half just constantly tells me 'no girl, it's been this way for 14 yrs, will always be this way, you're going to die trying..'

i. legit. don't. know.

rant over - xoxo, julie jay