LOOK AT ME!!!

Okay... so maybe I should have handled this better. I knew my husband (who has ADHD) was tired from a bad night of sleep. I made this really nice dinner (WITH dessert, I might add!) after shopping for the groceries for it. I had to ask him several times to help with putting the groceries away. He was consumed with some travel planning. We ate dinner and we had nice conversation (about the travel plans) and then I cleaned up from dinner while he was back at the travel plans. (We used to have an "I cook, you clean" policy but it kind of went out the window :-P).

So He's still working on plans and I started to talk to him about something I read. I realized he was engrossed, I should have left it alone and gone about my evening but I think in hindsight I really wanted his ATTENTION!! (hey look at me I cooked for you, I read funny things!!) He flat out ignored me! Sure, the transit system of the eastern seaboard MAY be more enticing (it certainly talks less) but I'm in the here and now! Anyway, I got -issed, stormed off, grabbed my things and told him I was going to the coffee shop to study. Then I got even more p-ss-d that he didn't even look up when I stormed out. Good for him that he is not rewarding my negative behavior... but really!

Seriously, I know we are both playing games and not engaging in healthy communication but sometimes it just builds up and I want the attention. If I can't get the appropriate attention I'll take the bad attention. Uggg... self-actualization SUCKS!

Normally we handle things better. I really don't want to be the first to apologize.

Feeling like a 10-year-old at the coffee shop,

C

taking it personal

Not sure where you guys are at in your relationship and treatment, but it does indeed sound like you took his health symptom and made it personal. I have also hard time keeping the perspective that ADHD is a health condition. I try to remind mayself od this by paralleling it to something with a different, easier to discern health condition. For example, if my DH lost motor skills in his arms, would I be po'd because he spilled his peas on the floor because he is struggling to feed himself? To me the difference is the effort one makes to overcome his/her own limitations. I appreciate that you also posted something positive. I hope you find this perspective helpful. Now go home and ask him if he is done so you can tell him you love him! ;)

attention...

hm.  Well, I'm always seeking attention from my husband too, but I'M the one with ADHD!!

Sounds like you already know exactly what's going on, but that can actually make it more frustrating!! 

hope you get to talk it out soon!

Same Boat!

I'm an ADDer seeking attention as well... The positive kind, as I do get attention when I mess up :-) To my wife's credit, she does acknowledge things that I do all the time, but if a mess-up occurs the chill lasts longer and can be brought up at will. I keep trying to do better and then maybe New Normal for me can replace the old.

YYZ

DF's picture

Divemom3

I reply to you in that you reminded me of some of my history.  I also find this post to be a good place to re-establish my position. 

I read some posts from a guy a while back, but I don't recall his Alias.  He was on here proclaiming his feelings for his wife and all the things he's doing for her.  I'm not the one to say it was true or false or what the intentions may have been.  He received support, as expected, from a community of people who hurt and just want answers to their own situations as well.  Then another alias jumped into the forums claiming to be his wife and gave her side of the story.  I don't recall which area of the forums I had read this and I take it for what it is.  It was uncomfortable for me to read.  I was initially discouraged by the exchange.

Regardless, I'm here anyway.  From most all of my posts I find a way to profess my feelings for my wife.  I've received a ton of much appreciated support from community members.  I am very hard on myself for being ADD and I'm very open in the forums about my love for my wife.  From reading your post I thought of some of my past as well as that old exchange I read. 

I would be mortified if my wife came on this forum and instead of finding what I've written about my struggle with the diagnosis and what its' done to my life and family, she came on here to give another side to the story.  So I wish to clarify that I am not perfect.  I have taken my wife's support for granted for a long long time.  I've been aware that I should be, could be, and should have.  I wasn't and I didn't so I'm here with strangers, throwing myself on a sword because I fear daily that I will not see warmth in my wife's eyes.

On to the show.  Divemom - your story reminds me of many many occasions in the past 12 years with my wife.  She cooked, cleaned and ran the show - completely.  She usually handled ALL ravel plans.  I was usually engrossed in tv or out playing a team sport somewhere.

So some of you who have read my postings might wonder - "How can this guy be for real about his feelings when he's been a complete poophead?" - And I have been for sure.  You might philosophize that I didn't know what I had until it was gone.  I'm not sure, since we don't talk about these things, but my wife 'might' be thinking that way herself about how I've been acting these past several months.

I've always known what a great woman I married.  My inner fury fumed for years knowing I should be more for her and wasn't.  The neighbors unanimously voted me as the best husband out of our group.  It made me sick.  I've been full of self loathing for sooooo long.  I felt like I was lazy and wanted to do more, then fail.  There was a mothers day when I didn't even get her a card from the kids ( or me ).  It broke her heart.  I expected for years that she would just know I loved her.  Not knowing about ADD and what it can do to people I had no idea.  It's hard not to make it sound like an excuse, but I don't know what else it is.

Even when my wife appeared to give up around our last anniversary ( no gift or card from me.  Just a sad sorry that I am broke ), I knew I was wrong.  I knew I had to do something and I hated myself for not knowing what.  So let me guess, you might be thinking - "Dang DF.  You're a poophead." - And you'd be right. 

After that day.  I vowed to do whatever I could to make her happy forever.  Unfortunately I took several steps backwards when I hyperfocused on her and not my issues.  I worked a ton of OT and scraped together enough money to buy a watch for her as an anniversary gift.  It's one she's wanted for years, so it felt good to pay cash for something so special and I was only 4 and a 1/2 months late from our anniversary date.  I've never been able to do something like that before and it felt great.  I knew I could do anything - except fix what was wrong with me.

I have a history dating back almost a full year of trying to rectify my crappy behavior.  I know my wife is awesome.  I've just not lived up to what I thought I was living up to.  I believe that my diagnosis could not have come at a better time in my life.  5 years ago it would have been life as normal, because my wife would have provided me with support.  Today, I'm on a long road back into her heart.  Its' been tough at times, very very tough, but I feel good about trying hard.  And for as much grief as I have about what this affliction has done to my family over the years, in the end it was me doing it.  It was me failing.  ADD just helped me forget and move on or just not see it in the first place.

I've been trying hard for a long time now and I've shown no sings of giving up.  Knowing now what it was that made things so dang hard for me to figure out just makes my resolve that much stronger.  My proclaiming my affections for my wife is my way of accomplishing 2 things. 1) the more I work on it, the easier it will become to just tell her in the face of (possible?) rejection.  2)  It's helping me burn out the raging fires of guilt for being such a dang poophead.

It's not enough for her to see change, she has to believe it's permanent - Man I love that line.

Divemom - I don't know you and I tend to shy away from giving advice, but I'm in a self-hating mood right now.  Must be my first day on adderall burning out......  But you need to grab than man by the short hairs at tell him to clear out those damn spider webs now or he just may find himself in my shoes.  If the short hairs isn't working, well then I'm sure you can find a place to kick him to get his attention.  It sure would have gotten mine............

Poophead?

Love the term!

My husband will admit, if asked, that he really screwed up. Those who read my posts regularly will know my story. But he never dwells on it or thinks about it. Typical ADD behavior-out of sight, out of mind. I'm the one who can remember the name of someone I talked to on a forum a year ago (see below) without looking it up. If I can remember that, how can I not remember every night I worked while he sat and played Freecell, or whatever?  Honestly, I swear it would be easier if I had ADD too.

But then who would return the library books, file the taxes, mail the packages and pay the bills? Who would do the dishes and the laundry? Certainly not him.

Renoir911's posts

Most of Renoir911's earlier posts were deleted from the site at his request. See this post for that story.  You can see his subsequent posts if you are logged in by going to his post and clicking on his name, but I believe that the posts to which referred where the ones he requested to be deleted.

DF's picture

Reply to Sue and Admin

Eh.  Wasn't trying to make a stink.  My first time ever taking meds was wearing off and I just realized - wait, there are people that think I might be more than I see myself to be.  I would not be happy if my wife came on here and translated what I was saying as dilusions of grandure.  I don't believe she would do that, but part of my problem is I haven't been seeing things from her perspective for a long time.

As for those posts, I was recalling that they made it a bit more difficult to want to come forward and expose myself.  I do suffer from anxiety.  Having read those posts I think it's best I remind myself that I'm not here as the victim.  There's great people here and I swear if I ever found out I was adopted, I'd guess I met my brother in these forums.

I do want to point out though that I find it very important that these spouses on both sides have dialog.  My wife and I are not in the silent period anymore which is wonderful.  I have much work to do on the new me and I do believe I'm on the right track.  Being here has given me the courage to face my inner anxiety and kick him in the teeth - well more like push him back.  There are so many things I've taken for granted and hearing the one you love voice that love is a doozy.  I have not been fair to my wife and I make it a point now to tell her that I love her everyday now.  I thank Sherri and Lulu for that.

Speaking of Lulu and YYZ - I did email my wife.  I do not believe it came out like it does here in the forums.  it's really hard to think about saying it right.  I swiped some lines from YYZ when trying to find ways to explain what this affliction is like.  But I'm not fooling anyone.  I'm working my way back in and what I say has to be right because I want to stop taking 2 steps back for each step forward.

 

Poophead - I didn't want to be flagged by the admin's for spelling out how I really feel and I have a nutty sense of humor.
 

My first husband....

used to call me the profane version of poophead. I'm not married to him any more. He didn't even have the excuse of having ADD.

No offense taken. You do seem to be trying hard to understand what your ADD does to your wife. I wish mine did. He's more of an "I'm taking meds and I can't do anything else" kind of guy.