I met my husband mid-2012, we dated aggressively for several months- his best friend and his best friend's fiance said we were perfect together and pressured him to ask me to be his girlfriend. During this time while we were not official he was also talking/flirting/hanging out with other women. He was not ready to settle for anything and the more I wanted him to commit to me the less he would try. So I let him go, hurt, and went on my way for a bit. Fast forward a year and a half and he managed to steal me away from another man because he decided that he wanted to pursue me officially. I had never really gotten over him and when he came back to me he looked like he had reformed his life- he had found out he had a child and was fathering her (in what looked like a good way) and had found a stable job and a vehicle. We became a couple and he proposed 6 months later on New Years and we set the date for 10/24/15. He then moved in, January 2015.
At first I thought his mother just had not prepared him for the real world. It made me feel nice sort of taking care of him and spoiling him- I felt loved and soaked it all up. I knew he was dyslexic and had ADHD and had been treated as a child but never consistently. I never even thought about this being anything that might induce negativity into our relationship. March 2015 he was let go from a job he was not happy with- they used and abused him and he was broken by the whole situation. When he was let go he got depressed and I felt within the next couple months like I had lost the man that I knew. Days were spent on the couch- playing the PS4 I had gotten him for Christmas or watching shows/youtube etc.
He had never been the sort to clean around the house- I constantly find trash/food behind couches, chairs, etc. I even dispersed trash cans throughout the living room hoping to fix this- to no avail- once the trash cans are full they stay that way and then under, inside and behind the couch fills with trash and other things. I work 10-hour or more overnight shifts so when I am not at work I am basically sleeping if I am not off for the day. Days off are generally spent TRYING to catch up with housework because on top of husband, I have step-daughter who is a mess as well.
Husband has applied for maybe 10 jobs total and those were craigslist ads (which were fake and obviously not the best place to search for a job). I have put in hundreds of applications with his cell phone number and he claims he has heard nothing from any of them. His excuse nearing our wedding was that he really didn't want to find a job because with the wedding he would have had to ask for the day off or the week if we were going to honeymoon. His small amount of unemployment was taxed to give money to the step daughter's mother even though we have half custody. The rest he spent before I even saw- leaving all of my checks to pay for all the bills, gas and groceries.
I hated saying it and denied it until recently but I was starting to doubt the relationship and if I should proceed with the wedding. In the end I decided that after the wedding he would get a job and things would go back to normal and that too much had been spent already to even postpone. My maid of honor took me aside on the night of the rehearsal and told me that she thought I was making a mistake and getting married to get married and begged me to rethink it- I foolishly told husband and he nearly wanted me to kick her out of the wedding party. The best friend was concerned because she knew how he treated me at the beginning and had been watching everything unfold. Mom even told me that if I was having second thoughts it would be okay to say so, even though they were paying for most of it.. I didn't and on top of that I made her feel bad for even bringing it up. So in the end we were married in October.
I feel like I was much too naive when I dreamed that things would get better. He still has not found a job and his unemployment ran out in December. My mother heard of a program through the government that provides free school courses for unemployed people. We heard about this in December and I just barely got him to start the process. He started the process to get in Welding school at the beginning of February- he had to take a couple classes on resumes and something else to receive the certificate which would get him the free schooling. They told him the certificate usually took one week but could take up to six weeks to arrive. Fast forward to last week when I finally made him call the main office and request a new one. It was supposedly mailed on Monday which should have made it in our mailbox by now, but nothing. He says he's excited about going and I see it slightly but why then would it take him to long to call and why would it take ME telling him to do it?
I also find myself not being able to believe any of the promises he makes. He says all the time 'I'm going to do x today!' I then get excited at him doing something productive only to get home and it's not done. Or I'm going to clean this today while you're asleep- only to wake up to a bigger mess. I've told him before that I'd rather he just not say he's going to do things if he doesn't actually plan to do it- to which he responded that I was hypercritical and etc. He just does not follow through and I'm so so tired of it.
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and we just had a bad day where he once again told me that he feels like I don't like him anymore. I know I've changed because I've got a lot of resentment building up but I'm trying so hard just to be supportive just to get the brunt of his frustrations. Anytime he loses anything (which is ALL the time) he gets upset, yells at me, then when I get upset he tells me I always make everything about myself and makes me a bad person. To me, it becomes about me the instant you treat me like dirt because YOU are having an issue. We fight constantly- we never used to. I feel detached and emotionally distant because I'm so frustrated. I shut down when he yells at me and I feel helpless. Still working my regular shift PLUS lots of overtime to try and stay on top of bills, then coming home to try and clean. And on top of this my dad was diagnosed with cancer in January- he had it removed and thank god it seems to be gone but two weeks ago he was in the ER from a massive infection as well. I'm stressed out and I was very sick when my dad went to the hospital- on top of it all I have something severely wrong with my back right now. I feel completely overwhelmed and when he told me that he thought I didn't even like him anymore I broke down at work, crying... because I don't know if I do.
At the same time I love this man. But I feel myself falling out of it and I don't know if I'm being fair to the situation. I have been at the end of my rope and I was googling tonight about helping with memory for ADHD/Dyslexic people because he once again lost our LAST phone charger. It never occured to me that there were more people out there feeling the same as I do and then I stumbled accross one person's post here and it was exactly how I felt.
I need help. I'm not going to give up yet, but when is it reasonable to try and be happy for myself? I can't care for both him and his daughter AND myself. My parents and friends are worried that I'm working myself into the ground and they are starting to resent my husband for not stepping up.
I need help and suggestions how to navigate from here... Who he needs to see to get medicine that might help with his ADHD so that he can be well for not only himself but for our marriage. I don't know where to go, I just need a point in the right direction.. Most of all I need support and not just someone to sit here and say I told you so to me.
I know this was long- but I really needed to get the big picture out there somewhere. I'm literally at the end of my rope and need whatever help I can be given. I am not ready to give up but I'm just so exhausted.
[There is likely more that I would like to include here that I just have left out.]
A very clear mental image
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello Miss Sarah,
The image you have shared through your post is one that has many familiar tones to it. I understand.
And. . . .the difficult part. . . .is unless he is willing to admit he needs help/direction, there is not much you can really do. You can read about ADHD, dyslexia, etc. You can understand why he does what he does.
The day he says, "I can't understand why things are so difficult. I am miserable. I am sad. I am not happy with how my life is going." then you can be supportive and assist him in finding help.
I am a nurturer by God's design. I am a service person. A helper. My view was skewed quite a bit for many years. I spent my time seeking who I could help. It got way out of balance. I did not have enough positive input to help me create a balanced marriage. I just continually looked at what "I was doing wrong."
I discovered what I was doing wrong had a lot to do with thinking I was doing something wrong!
Since I grew up in a alcoholic home, I developed the tendency to not know when to say enough is enough. I was the queen of holding on to hope that the solution was right around the next bend.
When it comes to a relationship, if both parties are working towards the same goal, the solution may indeed be right around the next bend. If you are trying to force a solution, trying to force someone to see what they do not want to see, you will indeed be very exhausted.
I know :)
I know a lot of alcoholics. I know a lot of recovering alcoholics. I know a lot of people who found that recovery through AA. thus, I know it is a possibility.
I believe the author of this forum that there is possible joy to be found in ADHD impacted relationships.
Time is passing by very quickly. Veyr, very quickly.
Liz
Rose colored glasses...fits us all.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Set up some boundaries; I suggest you get a wise counselor to be part of your life right now; your being taken advantage of, and you need some help from a neutral party....Someone he can't just say is out to get him (that's what victims do)....You need a responsible man, but, sadly you don't have one....If I was you; I wouldn't keep prolonging this, it will only destroy you...No woman was created to do what you are doing...He should be doing all the cleaning, laundry, yard work, until a Job open's up...Which he should be pursuing feverishly....What ever you do, do not give him money or let him have access to your accounts....
Every thing you posted says I married and irresponsible freeloader.... Which don't make him not a nice guy in many ways....I think you understand now, what your friend and family were telling you?? Emotional, and physical attachment is blinding and carries guilt, which prohibits the ability to think and act rationally...Guard you heart, and be honest with him...Do not spare his feelings by withholding the truth of how you feel about the way he lives....Hopefully you can share nicely and to the point w/o emotion...If not, put it in a letter (save a copy)...Hopefully he is just needing to grow up and learn to be responsible...I sure hope so for your sake....
Blessings
C
Naive and Married,
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Naive and Married,
What you posted was very heartfelt. I'm glad you did write it out. Maybe because I'm not that many years into a relationship myself, I was moved by your description of the forward momentum toward marriage, and your hope that once things settled down after the wedding, that it would be better. I think Liz and C have said some important things in their posts. Like C, it bothers me too that your husband lost his job in March, you married, and now it's a year later and he is neither helping at home nor has found even temp work.
Maybe because I'm pretty new in my relation, too, I'm worried about you being in your first year of marriage. The first years are when the couple work out their expectations of each other...the first is so important, it seems to me, because ever after, you and he will be having to deal with how you started it all, either reinforcing it, or working to change it. He's spent his first year with you not stepping up to the plate. Honey, if he doesn't change that soon, he'll be headed into a second year of not stepping up to the plate, and then a third...
Liz is so right: no matter what you want to do or try to do, you can't, you really can't do his part as well as yours.
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and we just had a bad day where he once again told me that he feels like I don't like him anymore. I know I've changed because I've got a lot of resentment building up but I'm trying so hard just to be supportive just to get the brunt of his frustrations. Anytime he loses anything (which is ALL the time) he gets upset, yells at me, then when I get upset he tells me I always make everything about myself and makes me a bad person.
Friend, you don't have to tolerate being yelled at, because another adult has failed to do something. You're not a bad person because you have feelings. Please believe that. And in the long run, you can't walk on eggshells, tiptoeing around so that he won't yell at you or label you. Tiptoeing around won't work for the long run. He's not behaving like an adult, about his feelings, not in the situations you've described. Please do look up the terms gaslighting and projecting, if they're not familiar to you.
At the same time I love this man. But I feel myself falling out of it and I don't know if I'm being fair to the situation.
I believe you do. And I believe love is very powerful. Speaking only for myself, since this isn't the way the movies present it: I don't think that love conquers all, and I don't think that love is the key piece in solving problems.
I have been at the end of my rope and I was googling tonight about helping with memory for ADHD/Dyslexic people because he once again lost our LAST phone charger. It never occured to me that there were more people out there feeling the same as I do and then I stumbled accross one person's post here and it was exactly how I felt.
I'm so glad you're here. Your husband and you will not match everything you read here, not by far, but I believe that everyone's stories of their own life will help you get some reference points that will help you see more clearly what you're dealing with at home and I hope will help you taking stock of your situation and taking steps for yourself
I need help. I'm not going to give up yet, but when is it reasonable to try and be happy for myself?
It's reasonable right now, whether your husband comes around and starts to contribute as a marriage partner or not, to start taking care of yourself. Dont wait for him! It's all right, and I even think loving ourselves and seeking to grow are one big reason why we're on this earth. One way to look at it, is that we can be of no real help to others unless we love and care for ourselves. If we don't choose, believe, and act for ourselves, we'll run ourselves down, so that there won't be anything left to give anyone. Now's the time to take care of yourself. It's not either his wellbeing or yours. Your wellbeing doesn't have to wait until he's better. No, no, you take care of you now. Naive, I'm working on this one, too. With a home situation that is not as disturbed as yours is.
I can't care for both him and his daughter AND myself. My parents and friends are worried that I'm working myself into the ground and they are starting to resent my husband for not stepping up. I hope you reread what you wrote here, Naive, because I believe you said things exactly as they are.
No single adult can care for the house for three people (especially with a colossal mess maker in it), can carry a job, can care for a spouse (who doesn't help her or care for her), care for herself, and care for a daughter. Your body, for one thing, can't take it.
Please stay and read. Learn what you can. It's all right to start to take care of yourself, in your situation. It likely won't be easy, with a non-contributing partner, but it's possible. Of all your friends and family, listen to the ones who to you seem to be the most grounded as people.
Bless you, and good luck.
The Power of Praise
Submitted by Delphine on
Miss.Sarah,
Another point of view on how to cope with an ADHD partner from an ADHD member here, a post I saved because I think it contains great insight and advice:
https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/length-time-not-talking-after-argum...
excerpt:
"So if you took what I just said....even if you don't feel this way for now.....if you were to do anything along the lines of manipulation of sorts....try not to show displeasure for a while even though you dont feel like it...and replace it with approval, reassurance and lots of validation and see what happens if you can pull this off without letting her see how unhappy you are. Just for a little while. Just play the role or act the part by trying to hide how you really feel if it's negative at all. Not forever or even a very long time....but even for a couple of weeks and see what happens if you do just these things."
I've been doing this with my ADHD son and I feel it's helping our relationship.
Delphine
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Delphine,
"I've been doing this with my ADHD son and I feel it's helping our relationship."
I was thinking about your comment is the sense of the conversation about a spouse. Approval is important. Being positive is important. Good communication skills are important.
When my ADHD son was younger, we did learn - especially when it came to school - we did much better finding things he did right, then honing on things he did wrong.
A place that causes a great deal of frustration in the present time is how we relate to young children, how we relate to adult children, how we relate to other adults who are just acquaintances and how we relate to our spouse.
The basic communication is the same. Be nice. Sandwich concerns between compliments. End conversations with compliments. Be nice.
We are guiding and teaching our children. We can tell them things, and expect them to listen to us, or we can put consequences in place if they disobey or defy our household rules.
Extended family, neighbors, co-workers, etc., these people we also have a way of communicating with, that is different than with our spouse. My siblings or my parents can annoy me, but I no longer have to live in the same house as they do.
Thus we cannot paint communication with a wide brush. There is not just one way that will work in all instances. Except, kindness. Kindness should be used in all circumstances.
If my sibling or friend refuses to talk to me, it sure stinks, however, they are at their house, and I am at mine. I can mentally decide that if they choose to be giving me the silent treatment from their home, as least my home boundaries are a place of peace. This cannot be done so easily with a spouse. It wears on our inner peace when we need to have hypervigilance in what we say, or how we say it, just so we do not set off a tirade of anger. A few exceptions are one thing. Constantly being afraid we will make a misstep, is not a comfortable place to be - especially when it is at all times.
Sincerely,
Liz
I Sure Understand...
Submitted by Delphine on
Nevertheless, I think there are ways to work with the most difficult relationship situations.
Interestingly, my son once advised me (this was long before he recognized he was ADHD), re coping with a roommate conflict, to think of it as applying aikido in the relationship. And that is actually what I came to understand in handling the ADHD issues with him. I just found an article about relationship aikido:
http://spiritualpsychology.com/articleaikido.html
Basically, what it comes down to is continually "turning the other cheek" in a conflict and continually forgiving, as it says to do in the Bible. Always remembering not to take the other's actions personally, as advised in The Four Agreements. And again, continually looking for qualities and actions to praise and appreciate.
I think I may have learned that lesson well enough with my son that the Universe decided I didn't need to be living with him anymore, thus the separation happened naturally without any blame.
As well, aikido may the best form of martial arts to help with ADHD.
http://www.additudemag.com/adhdblogs/3/3675.html
A book I think partners of those with ADHD would do well to read is Viktor Frankl's little classic, Man's Search For Meaning. Frankl was a psychoanalyst interred in the camps during the Nazi regime, where his "therapy of meaning" (logotherapy) was put to a difficult test. Basically, he says that we can make it through any problem if we can find the meaning it contains for us. Here are some Frankl quotes:
https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/2782.Viktor_E_Frankl
Apples and Oranges
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"I think I may have learned that lesson well enough with my son that the Universe decided I didn't need to be living with him anymore, thus the separation happened naturally without any blame."
Our relationship with our children is supposed to grow, and then they reach the point when it is time for them to fly on their own. That is not the same with a spouse.
Liz
Yes...
Submitted by Delphine on
Of course kids are supposed to go out on their own at some point. I think it is also true that couples who are not able to grow together are supposed to separate at some point, and we can only help that along by making the best of it in the present. The relationship will either resolve, or split apart when the time is right. There is no reason to stay indefinitely in a relationship that is not growthful or nurturing.
Aikido
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Interesting. I practiced aikido for several years, and will have to think about what you advise, Delphine.
It's my sense, on the first round of thinking about it, that only some of what happens on the mat can transfer to interpersonal dynamics. I'm not sure that the matter of the aikido practitioner taking direct, personal responsibility for the violent energy coming his/her way can fully transfer to interpersonal dynamic...but some of the mental approaches of the whole practice, the theory of the inner person of the person receiving the attacks, are useful. Speaking from having been on the mat...
One doubt I have about using aikido as a global way of understanding uncomfortable or unhappy interactions, is that it's an art of dealing peacefully with aggression. Aggression in particular I dont think that all things that people do around me that alarm me, displease me, and even hurt me are aggressions. : ). Its not always all about me, and they're not always after me. My ADHD partner often isnt doing things to me, from his POV, he's just just doing. It makes things what they werent for me to translate every moment in which he raises his voice at me, for example, as aggression...
Neverthless the two links you provided do propose alternative approaches to entering some kinds of situations. I'm quite a fan of aikido
A Recent Realization
Submitted by Delphine on
In the past I would easily get sucked into arguments with my son. Finally I "got it" that this only made things worse. We even had an incident where he was pushing me out the door of his room and I was screaming. The neighbors heard. Lucky no one called the police.
So in the last couple of months before son moved out, I started making a conscious effort to remain centered in our communications and to keep the focus on the positive as much as possible, but I only remembered my son's Aikido advice from some years ago and found that article while writing my post here. Yes, I am finding my participation here to be very helpful.
Protest vs A Real Conversation
Submitted by kellyj on
"Finally I "got it" that this only made things worse."
Delphine.....as we have both reiterated here...you can only work on yourself. That's great but I've run into this with my wife countless times and....you'd think I'd learn?
Well....actually, it took that many times to finally figure out what was happening? What I thought was baiting me into an argument (which she does) was only part of it. That part was just to get me to engage...but the question is why?
Here's her MO:
"Can we talk?" or "I'd like to talk" ( uh oh? )
(enter the bait)..... some kind of slanderous innuendo
If I take the bait and reply with anything....she has me and no matter what I say makes one bit of difference. This gas lighting technic is used for one purpose...to get me into a position where I have to hear everything that she is unhappy about. ( for the thousandth time ). The problem is....she feels better and I feel worse and it doesn't do anything to solve any problems or any conflicts itself. In other words....it's a technic of relieving yourself at someone else's expense and only serves that purpose. One time is legitimate....after that it serves no one but the person doing it and is just complaining and protest and nothing more.
Speaking (at all ) on my part....is not required and to the point...unwelcome to the point that speaking at all makes her even more angry and then the two of us start yelling at each other.
I've discovered what this is all about. My wife is unhappy about a lot of things that have to do with her personal issues which are primarily focused on her environment and the things within it ie: me, house, weather, comfort, hot, cold or anything that is affecting her "in the moment physically" and then....mentally.
She is extremely susceptible to things that she cannot control that affect her and she focuses entirely on those things to bring herself down from???? (instead of learning new tools and methods by focusing on herself and doing exactly the opposite. She has not skills in this department what so ever as it seems?)
And since she can't really legitimately keep spewing complaints (repeatedly) over and over....it builds up until she can't stand it any longer and then she's got to get rid of it. What ever it's about....always took place in the past depending on how long she has to hold it.
This is what she does.....she bottles it all up and holds it until she can't stand it any longer but she knows from the reactions that others have when she voices it constantly...that she only has a limited amount of this that others will tolerate (including me).
So instead....it starts out (seemingly innocuous enough?) with "can we talk." This is not what she wants and this is a very dishonest way of starting a conversation. Literally....2 minutes in (and whatever it was she said it was going to be about)....the initial subject matter goes completely out the window and out comes the laundry list of complaints...one by one until she's done.
If she doesn't feel better....she goes over again.... and again and again...until she done. This can go on for hours if I allow it but.....if I disengage that pisses her off too. In this Catch 22 scenario....better to disengage all things considered. The reason why comes if you respond....as soon as you say anything...you're done.
Now.....everything that she is actually doing herself...you will get accused of and then she walks away. If you follow or try to continue (to defend)...now she will accuse me of following her even though the whole time I'm trying to disengage she's actually the one following me around until she has me cornered with no where to escape. It's insane!!! It's a ritual that she has to do in order to feel better because she does not work on herself and has no other tools in her tool box.
If the only tool you got is a hammer......well? lol
The problem is.....I'm included in this list and she cannot get that? It doesn't really matter as far as she is concerned....when someone is compelled like this to do these ritualistic panaceas.....there's no rhyme or reason behind them what so ever and nothing they say makes a lot a sense. Just a cobbling together of a bunch of everything that is troubling them and venting it out so they can get rid of the feelings they have which is directly aimed at what is nearest to them.
In my wife's case....what she's doing is protesting but she doesn't even realize it? When I've just sat and listened and not said anything....she can go on and on indefintely and it is the same tape loop every time. No new information, no new working or order it comes out. It's the same every time. It so repetitive in nature....it finally occurred to me that nothing I said PERIOD...was either required or welcomed....it's all just venting and spewing a lot of garbage out into the room and acting out...that's it.
I told her she needs to find someone she can do this with that is not on the list and not in the room at the same time. She looked at me kind of blank for a moment (at the time)...and then went right back into it (like someone turning on a tape loop player...over...and over....and over....and over....and over...............and it never varies or alters one bit! lol) It's so incredibly obvious from the listeners perspective that it's hard to image that a person doing this cannot see themselves but....that's exactly what it is and low be it....if you point this out or try and get them to change.
That would mean....having no other way to get rid of or manage their intolerable feelings anymore? A better suggest might be to learn how to communicate better and do it that way? ( you'd think at least? lol )
The one thing it is not....is a conversation. It only requires one person and then any living breathing object to be an audience so they can do this. It's not for your benefit of information in an exchange....it's for you to sit and listen to it and take it so they can feel better....
Enagage? or not engage?.....
check, DO NOT ENGAGE! LOL
This is exactly what it is ie: "brow beating" and "ball busting" in common vernacular:)
J
Yikes
Submitted by Delphine on
That sure doesn't sound like fun, J! Have you tried couples therapy?
I've been working with metaphysical principles for quite a while now and have seen good changes occur. I've posted about the Ho'oponopono approach to "making things right" (if you care to check it out, the post is in the thread titled "What to Do When Non-ADHD Spouse Says They Don't Love You Anymore"). The principle is that everything in life is basically our creation and responsibility (as distinct from "blame"). The outer is reflecting the inner, so in some way, your wife is reflecting your own inner state. I can't tell you how. For my part, I simply trust that whatever I encounter in life and relationships is my creation, from the energy I am putting out.
No, clearly you can't engage in the sense of conversing when your wife is in that kind of state, but you can still work on yourself and your own energy. You could use the Ho'oponopono mantra, or whatever healing prayer that works for you. I know full well this is easier said than done when we are bombarded with negativity, but it's the kind of thing that gets easier with practice.
Think about it :)
Delphine
Hi, J
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Hi, J
I read your description and had a passing thought about your wife. Of course I don't know her in real time, so my thought is about what you described of her reaction. From what you described, you may be on to something that what she wants to do is, alas, not personal to you, or interpersonal, but personal to her own drive to do something.
In my wife's case....what she's doing is protesting but she doesn't even realize it? When I've just sat and listened and not said anything....she can go on and on indefintely and it is the same tape loop every time. No new information, no new working or order it comes out. It's the same every time. It so repetitive in nature....it finally occurred to me that nothing I said PERIOD...was either required or welcomed....it's all just venting and spewing a lot of garbage out into the room and acting out...that's it.
I told her she needs to find someone she can do this with that is not on the list and not in the room at the same time. She looked at me kind of blank for a moment (at the time)...and then went right back into it (like someone turning on a tape loop player...over...and over....and over....and over....and over...............and it never varies or alters one bit!
I can't quite tell you how I went from that description of yours down through some canyon of associations, but your description of her drive to do something, and the best thing that has worked for you so far is not to get in her way or engage her, just let her rip.... well it reminded me of something that I read who knows how long ago in a book on relationships or personal wellbeing in which there was a story from therapy of a little boy who was so needy and incompetent in making connection with a parent who was remote from him...I think it amounted to emotional abandonment of him, that he ritually...may be with something like that compulsion that your wife has, to do the same thing over and over....would go into I think it was his mother's bedroom and slam the drawers of her dresser on his hands until they bled and she would come.
Now don't apply the whole story, or you'll end up thinking about where you fit in the story.. I didn't think of you as the absent mother. .What only came to mind is the little boy, who at that point had no other way to end, or get relief from, what to him was an intolerable separation from another person except by doing damage to himself to the point that he'd get response. Perhaps there's something that your wife is trying to break out of, or she's doing a round and round of being stuck in something...with herself?
I was kind of feeling around on what your wife might be doing in, it sounds like to me, doing some kind of a ritualized (because she repeats it and has to repeat it, and it's always the same, like she's stuck in it) blow out, and pretty much has to do it. From what you say, no it's not a time for anything really interactive with you. I do get a sense from what you wrote that you're onto something...
Hm. you'd be pretty much more like the drawer (with which the boy hurt himself) not the person that she didn't know how to connect with
Although from your end, you can see that she's not connecting with you.
But I may be way off base. The good thing about stories is that people react to them the way they want or not at all.
In the meantime, yes, as you and Delphine have discussed, you have to do well and take care of yourself and go for peace at home.
You're not a thing for her to use, to work out and get done what she needs to do. I know about the need for patience and tolerance in relations, yes, yes, but do take care.
It's an ambivalent situation that you described. Or an am-trivalent or am-quadvilant.
Wishing you well.
Wishing her, too..
Yikes again
Submitted by Delphine on
"there was a story from therapy of a little boy who was so needy and incompetent in making connection with a parent who was remote from him...I think it amounted to emotional abandonment of him, that he ritually...may be with something like that compulsion that your wife has, to do the same thing over and over....would go into I think it was his mother's bedroom and slam the drawers of her dresser on his hands until they bled and she would come."
Oh, that poor kid. Heartbreaking. :(
I do seem to recall you've mentioned your wife's background issues, J...
J...Awareness!
Submitted by c ur self on
My thinking on these sessions J is they are unhealthy from the start...It doesn't matter if I'm doing it to her, or she is doing it to me, the real story of why it's happening usually isn't even being talked about...Or if it is, the reason you can't pin it down is because it's an accumulation of things that has been building up....It's the emotional pressure cooker relief valve blowing....
If the truth was spoken in the beginning it would go something like one of these examples: 1) I really don't like my life right now and would like for you set still and be quiet while I unloaded a bunch of garbage on you...Preferable you take it, and allow me to walk away with no repercussion.
2) I've forced myself up until now to go along (share in) with what you wanted for the two of us, even though I've felt all along it wasn't wise for me or what I wanted for us. So instead of speaking my feelings calmly in the beginning and accepting the fact we would go different directions in order to both be at peace. I didn't do that, so now my emotional state is such that I'm real uncomfortable, so I'm fixing to give you a long monolog about your selfishness and unwise living....
3) You seem way to happy just being yourself; and since I don't like you unless I can control you; I'm fixing to start a fight, but, that's OK, because you want see it coming. You are so naive, you think everyone loves you. All I have to do is get you to open your mouth w/ one simple defensive comment...Then I'm freeeeeee!!!!...It will always be your fault after that sucker!
Yep J you got it...Do not engage....
It's sad to have to set up ground rules....before every attempt at a conversation where we don't have a witness. ouch!
C
My issue is in finding
Submitted by Miss.Sarah on
My issue is in finding anything he actually does that is even deserving of praise. I've been living this way for almost a year. Reassuring him that everything is okay and telling him the few times he's done any cleaning that he did well anything. But now he doesn't do anything or does it completely wrong. 3 Loads of laundry in the dryer? How can I be positive about that? 1 dry load from when I asked him to do laundry weeks ago, with another load from about a two weeks ago and then last night a third load on top instead of folding what was in the dryer. Now EVERYTHING has set in wrinkles and I'm going to have to fix it all.
I am a great actress, but I can only do so much. I can't keep lying to myself and saying the very very very very little he does is good and yay and be all happy about it!
What went wrong..
Submitted by NonADHD on
Did anything happen within your marriage that drove him deeper into his ADHD mind??