I met my husband mid-2012, we dated aggressively for several months- his best friend and his best friend's fiance said we were perfect together and pressured him to ask me to be his girlfriend. During this time while we were not official he was also talking/flirting/hanging out with other women. He was not ready to settle for anything and the more I wanted him to commit to me the less he would try. So I let him go, hurt, and went on my way for a bit. Fast forward a year and a half and he managed to steal me away from another man because he decided that he wanted to pursue me officially. I had never really gotten over him and when he came back to me he looked like he had reformed his life- he had found out he had a child and was fathering her (in what looked like a good way) and had found a stable job and a vehicle. We became a couple and he proposed 6 months later on New Years and we set the date for 10/24/15. He then moved in, January 2015.
At first I thought his mother just had not prepared him for the real world. It made me feel nice sort of taking care of him and spoiling him- I felt loved and soaked it all up. I knew he was dyslexic and had ADHD and had been treated as a child but never consistently. I never even thought about this being anything that might induce negativity into our relationship. March 2015 he was let go from a job he was not happy with- they used and abused him and he was broken by the whole situation. When he was let go he got depressed and I felt within the next couple months like I had lost the man that I knew. Days were spent on the couch- playing the PS4 I had gotten him for Christmas or watching shows/youtube etc.
He had never been the sort to clean around the house- I constantly find trash/food behind couches, chairs, etc. I even dispersed trash cans throughout the living room hoping to fix this- to no avail- once the trash cans are full they stay that way and then under, inside and behind the couch fills with trash and other things. I work 10-hour or more overnight shifts so when I am not at work I am basically sleeping if I am not off for the day. Days off are generally spent TRYING to catch up with housework because on top of husband, I have step-daughter who is a mess as well.
Husband has applied for maybe 10 jobs total and those were craigslist ads (which were fake and obviously not the best place to search for a job). I have put in hundreds of applications with his cell phone number and he claims he has heard nothing from any of them. His excuse nearing our wedding was that he really didn't want to find a job because with the wedding he would have had to ask for the day off or the week if we were going to honeymoon. His small amount of unemployment was taxed to give money to the step daughter's mother even though we have half custody. The rest he spent before I even saw- leaving all of my checks to pay for all the bills, gas and groceries.
I hated saying it and denied it until recently but I was starting to doubt the relationship and if I should proceed with the wedding. In the end I decided that after the wedding he would get a job and things would go back to normal and that too much had been spent already to even postpone. My maid of honor took me aside on the night of the rehearsal and told me that she thought I was making a mistake and getting married to get married and begged me to rethink it- I foolishly told husband and he nearly wanted me to kick her out of the wedding party. The best friend was concerned because she knew how he treated me at the beginning and had been watching everything unfold. Mom even told me that if I was having second thoughts it would be okay to say so, even though they were paying for most of it.. I didn't and on top of that I made her feel bad for even bringing it up. So in the end we were married in October.
I feel like I was much too naive when I dreamed that things would get better. He still has not found a job and his unemployment ran out in December. My mother heard of a program through the government that provides free school courses for unemployed people. We heard about this in December and I just barely got him to start the process. He started the process to get in Welding school at the beginning of February- he had to take a couple classes on resumes and something else to receive the certificate which would get him the free schooling. They told him the certificate usually took one week but could take up to six weeks to arrive. Fast forward to last week when I finally made him call the main office and request a new one. It was supposedly mailed on Monday which should have made it in our mailbox by now, but nothing. He says he's excited about going and I see it slightly but why then would it take him to long to call and why would it take ME telling him to do it?
I also find myself not being able to believe any of the promises he makes. He says all the time 'I'm going to do x today!' I then get excited at him doing something productive only to get home and it's not done. Or I'm going to clean this today while you're asleep- only to wake up to a bigger mess. I've told him before that I'd rather he just not say he's going to do things if he doesn't actually plan to do it- to which he responded that I was hypercritical and etc. He just does not follow through and I'm so so tired of it.
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and we just had a bad day where he once again told me that he feels like I don't like him anymore. I know I've changed because I've got a lot of resentment building up but I'm trying so hard just to be supportive just to get the brunt of his frustrations. Anytime he loses anything (which is ALL the time) he gets upset, yells at me, then when I get upset he tells me I always make everything about myself and makes me a bad person. To me, it becomes about me the instant you treat me like dirt because YOU are having an issue. We fight constantly- we never used to. I feel detached and emotionally distant because I'm so frustrated. I shut down when he yells at me and I feel helpless. Still working my regular shift PLUS lots of overtime to try and stay on top of bills, then coming home to try and clean. And on top of this my dad was diagnosed with cancer in January- he had it removed and thank god it seems to be gone but two weeks ago he was in the ER from a massive infection as well. I'm stressed out and I was very sick when my dad went to the hospital- on top of it all I have something severely wrong with my back right now. I feel completely overwhelmed and when he told me that he thought I didn't even like him anymore I broke down at work, crying... because I don't know if I do.
At the same time I love this man. But I feel myself falling out of it and I don't know if I'm being fair to the situation. I have been at the end of my rope and I was googling tonight about helping with memory for ADHD/Dyslexic people because he once again lost our LAST phone charger. It never occured to me that there were more people out there feeling the same as I do and then I stumbled accross one person's post here and it was exactly how I felt.
I need help. I'm not going to give up yet, but when is it reasonable to try and be happy for myself? I can't care for both him and his daughter AND myself. My parents and friends are worried that I'm working myself into the ground and they are starting to resent my husband for not stepping up.
I need help and suggestions how to navigate from here... Who he needs to see to get medicine that might help with his ADHD so that he can be well for not only himself but for our marriage. I don't know where to go, I just need a point in the right direction.. Most of all I need support and not just someone to sit here and say I told you so to me.
I know this was long- but I really needed to get the big picture out there somewhere. I'm literally at the end of my rope and need whatever help I can be given. I am not ready to give up but I'm just so exhausted.
[There is likely more that I would like to include here that I just have left out.]