I haven't posted on here in a while since I have been focusing on self-improvement instead of venting about my H and my dreams that he would change and expectations that I have. It's easier not to anymore.
However, I am looking for strategies here. For years I have been let down, stressed due to his temper, depressed, feeling ignored, you guys know the story. Lately he has been a bit better, especially when we are alone since he has no one to impress and his electronic gadgets keep him quiet and busy into the early AM. It's bearable especially since I am getting used to it and am working on self validation and breaking the co-dependancy. Here are two areas that I need strategies on:
He spoke to me the other day about a speculation/theory on time travel. He is BIG on quantum mechanics and things that cross my eyes. I sat there and listened to his ideas though totally not interested. After he was done, I told him that perhaps he can be selective with who he talks to about this subject since it may confuse people and also, it can make him look strange. He has a habit of being around people, whether it be friends or strangers, and bombarding them with big words and ideas as if they were on the same page and after he leaves a room I hear the backlash of "geez what is wrong with him" or "I was so not interested in that topic" because he can't gauge his audience and doesn't even breathe or let others interject, not that they want to. So he agreed that he would be selective and said that he was talking to me since he hardly has anyone to talk to about this (not true since there are other geeks he knows).
Fast forward. We go to a dinner at a couple's house and two other friends were invited. We know everyone well. He proceeds to talk for an hour solid about his trip to Dominican Republic while we were eating dinner and when I told him privately to speed it up since we were at the table he gave me that arrogant "how dare you" look, And then for the next two hours he opens up a conversation about time travel, the meaning of 3.14 Pi and the universe. It was so deep. I got up and left the table and decided to talk to the wife throwing the dinner since she was cleaning up. I wanted to vomit. It was so much information and incessant talking. It sounded more like a dispute and of course he sounds condescending since they do not normally discuss these things. I wanted to leave so bad. I kept looking at our friends and one of them kept tolerating it, even contributing politely but she would look at me like "help me!". It was so overwhelming to me. When we left, I felt like I got nothing out of the dinner but food. I didn't know my friends any better but they got a lesson in Pi.
So, what is a strategy I can use that will allow me to respect my husband and let him keep his dignity while saving myself?
The other issue is that my heart is not where it was in the beginning of the marriage since it has been through a war. I feel like everyday I am trying to do what a good wife does, be a good friend but it is out of "knowing" what a good wife does not because I want to of am in love or feel an urge to do thus and so.Example: today I thought it would be nice to text him to say "have a nice day" and I see that he saw it but he did not say a word. That was at 9Am and its 4:20 PM now. It makes me not want to try anymore especially since I don't do it because of need or want but because I feel that is the right thing to do and I always say "boy, what can I do to make him feel loved and not so alone" but I end up feeling "geez, I do all that and he doesn't even see how it can make me feel". Is a twisted thing and kind of inconceivable. You tell a person hello and they dont respond or even let you know they are thinking of you. It's incomprehensible to me for a person that says you are their world to not want to talk to you or do their part. I keep thinking that HE is the one that should be trying to spark my fire after all these years yet I am the one concerned about his feelings of worthiness and making sure HE is ok. Who does that for me? I do. I tell myself everyday that I am special, loved and beautiful. I tuck myself in to bed and sleep alone most nights. Its a strange feeling to be supplying emotional support to someone that does not fill your emotional needs and tells you how awesome you are but doesn't do much to be awesome to you. So, question: do I lay off the texting since he doesn't even respond or do I continue just to comfort him even though I may not get a response?
I am ok with all suggestions. I am just trying to figure out how to spare myself expending too much effort for something that will be the same whether I do a little or a lot and also, since he doesn't seem to take my advice about his incessant talking and intricate conversations that repel people, how I can extract myself from that situation instead of smother and stifle him. I don't want to be that naggy wife that embarrasses her husband. Just trying to live stress-free.
Thanks my friends!