Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 05/09/2016.
I haven't posted on here in a while since I have been focusing on self-improvement instead of venting about my H and my dreams that he would change and expectations that I have. It's easier not to anymore.
However, I am looking for strategies here. For years I have been let down, stressed due to his temper, depressed, feeling ignored, you guys know the story. Lately he has been a bit better, especially when we are alone since he has no one to impress and his electronic gadgets keep him quiet and busy into the early AM. It's bearable especially since I am getting used to it and am working on self validation and breaking the co-dependancy. Here are two areas that I need strategies on:
He spoke to me the other day about a speculation/theory on time travel. He is BIG on quantum mechanics and things that cross my eyes. I sat there and listened to his ideas though totally not interested. After he was done, I told him that perhaps he can be selective with who he talks to about this subject since it may confuse people and also, it can make him look strange. He has a habit of being around people, whether it be friends or strangers, and bombarding them with big words and ideas as if they were on the same page and after he leaves a room I hear the backlash of "geez what is wrong with him" or "I was so not interested in that topic" because he can't gauge his audience and doesn't even breathe or let others interject, not that they want to. So he agreed that he would be selective and said that he was talking to me since he hardly has anyone to talk to about this (not true since there are other geeks he knows).
Fast forward. We go to a dinner at a couple's house and two other friends were invited. We know everyone well. He proceeds to talk for an hour solid about his trip to Dominican Republic while we were eating dinner and when I told him privately to speed it up since we were at the table he gave me that arrogant "how dare you" look, And then for the next two hours he opens up a conversation about time travel, the meaning of 3.14 Pi and the universe. It was so deep. I got up and left the table and decided to talk to the wife throwing the dinner since she was cleaning up. I wanted to vomit. It was so much information and incessant talking. It sounded more like a dispute and of course he sounds condescending since they do not normally discuss these things. I wanted to leave so bad. I kept looking at our friends and one of them kept tolerating it, even contributing politely but she would look at me like "help me!". It was so overwhelming to me. When we left, I felt like I got nothing out of the dinner but food. I didn't know my friends any better but they got a lesson in Pi.
So, what is a strategy I can use that will allow me to respect my husband and let him keep his dignity while saving myself?
The other issue is that my heart is not where it was in the beginning of the marriage since it has been through a war. I feel like everyday I am trying to do what a good wife does, be a good friend but it is out of "knowing" what a good wife does not because I want to of am in love or feel an urge to do thus and so.Example: today I thought it would be nice to text him to say "have a nice day" and I see that he saw it but he did not say a word. That was at 9Am and its 4:20 PM now. It makes me not want to try anymore especially since I don't do it because of need or want but because I feel that is the right thing to do and I always say "boy, what can I do to make him feel loved and not so alone" but I end up feeling "geez, I do all that and he doesn't even see how it can make me feel". Is a twisted thing and kind of inconceivable. You tell a person hello and they dont respond or even let you know they are thinking of you. It's incomprehensible to me for a person that says you are their world to not want to talk to you or do their part. I keep thinking that HE is the one that should be trying to spark my fire after all these years yet I am the one concerned about his feelings of worthiness and making sure HE is ok. Who does that for me? I do. I tell myself everyday that I am special, loved and beautiful. I tuck myself in to bed and sleep alone most nights. Its a strange feeling to be supplying emotional support to someone that does not fill your emotional needs and tells you how awesome you are but doesn't do much to be awesome to you. So, question: do I lay off the texting since he doesn't even respond or do I continue just to comfort him even though I may not get a response?
I am ok with all suggestions. I am just trying to figure out how to spare myself expending too much effort for something that will be the same whether I do a little or a lot and also, since he doesn't seem to take my advice about his incessant talking and intricate conversations that repel people, how I can extract myself from that situation instead of smother and stifle him. I don't want to be that naggy wife that embarrasses her husband. Just trying to live stress-free.
Thanks my friends!
Hi. I'm really new here but
Submitted by Shalott on
Hi. I'm really new here but my H has similar behaviors. First, your mention of incessant talking about a complicated subject many people might not understand struck a chord with me. H does the same thing to our friends and family. He is in a very specialized geeky tech-y field and will talk in tech-speak to me and everyone else and never explain or try to simplify his words, and then he gets frustrated when people interrupt and ask questions about the vocabulary he's using. If I know we are going to see new people, I will mention that if he talks about work he will need to explain his work terms or oversimplify them so people will be more receptive. Sometimes he takes my advice, sometimes he doesn't, or he forgets. I can make suggestions but I can't control what he says. I can only control my reaction. Sometimes I can be polite and listen and sometimes I can't handle it and I have to leave the conversation, excusing myself to refill my drink or something like that. If we are seeing old friends, I don't bother, because they all know how he is and have come to terms with it or they wouldn't bother being friends with us anymore.
As for the unacknowledged messages, I understand that, too. Sometimes I would text him to ask about his day or share something interesting with him and I would not hear any response, but I would see multiple "likes" and "retweets"from him to other people on social media, so he must have seen my text, right? Sometimes he would text me and if I didn't get back to him right away he would sent an annoyed text, like "Hello???" or "Did you get that??". And it bothers me, too, like maybe he thinks his time is more important than mine. But I try to remember that he is bad at social cues and I tried to remember that we didn't see each other very often and that texts were sometimes the only chance we had to communicate with each other. Things are different now, but if we still texted often I would just try not to take his ignoring me personally. It's really hard to do that and I'm not successful very often, but I keep trying. Does it make you feel good to comfort him and text him to have a nice day? If it does, keep doing it for yourself. If it makes you feel worse to text him and not get a response, stop doing it. That's all I have to offer. Hope it helps. :)
Shalott
My mouth was open with
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
My mouth was open with something you said. My H also will text at times and if I don't respond quickly will say "Hello? Hello?" then he will call me at work and on cell. However, my text messages go unseen, unanswered and sometimes seen and NOT answered.
Sometimes I feel good knowing I took initiative and sometimes it pisses me off that I took initiative but HE is the one that should be sparking my fire but he doesn't seem to feel guilt, concern.
I work a FT job and he works on weekends so he has off on weekdays and I come home to find nothing cooked or microwaveable food still in its package waiting for me, like last night. I have felt lonely, ignored and invisible for many years and I am getting used to it. My thing is that I want to train myself to not put in more than I have to if the result will be the same. Its not that I want to give up, I just want to conserve my energy until he expends some. It may never happen but I want to use my energy toward my improvement. Last night he went to the gym at 8PM after I worked all day and he really didn't spend time with me. I ate at the table alone (microwave food) and he watched tv then he left. So I decided to go to Karaoke alone and belt it out. I had a blast and when I got home at 1AM he was asleep and had only text me at 1AM to see if I was ok. So I really want to start living my life at 43 after being together and being codependant for 26 yrs.
Thank you for you advice. It was very good.
Notgoingtolosemyself....What I See?
Submitted by kellyj on
We've talked before so I will speed this up (with the intention of not doing what your H does)...it is in our make up for sure. lol
A couple of red flags?
"How dare you".....and...."Hello?????" when he texts. His arrogance might be superficial...and then again not? Hard to say. But that impatience and that "how dare you" is something you need to find a way in getting him to see. I think it's at the bottom of everything you've said here.
For myself in comparison. I can get the way your H does with the geeky long explanations if I am with one person one on one. My wife has pointed this out to me at times but here's the difference: I am completely aware of my propensity here. So much so....I tend to sit back in a group or with couples and try to say very little. That's because I tend to not trust myself in not getting hooked into my thoughts about the universe and a need to share that with everyone. The thoughts are there....so is my fear or sharing them which I am embarrassed about doing..
So.....'how dare you"....would never cross my mind? Just an observation?
And impatience is not a good sign if it's chronic. I'm battling this with my wife and I am on the opposite side of this. This is not an ADHD thing necessarily just so you know? More insecurity as I am seeing it.
And....I don't text (hardly at all) since it's a distraction for me. If people tend to text me a lot....I don't always respond. In fact....I'm not good with responding to emails regularly either. It's a fine line for me in trying to stay in touch for a real reason or purpose....to continually touching base all the time for no other reason. This can really interfere with my goal of staying focused on what I'm doing especially when I'm working. While at work....I do not text and my wife knows this. Only in an emergency and at no other time.
I try my best to eliminate "for no other reason" and limit it to a need that I have or for the other person. This helps in everything and keeping from getting distracted.
I do know one piece of good advise in helping limiting that global mind melting conversation in public though....but that would require you to talk about this in advance and agree that it is Okay to give some kind of cue to him if he starts ramping up. In advance ahead of time agreement.
But that "how dare you"is getting in the way of that. You need to be able to discuss it...or that can't happen.
Just my two bits.
J
Thank you J. Yes, the looks I
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thank you J. Yes, the looks I get when I try remind him to be silent for a bit and let others talk or just enjoy their company is very telling. Even the fact that I plug my ears to escape to music doesn't make him stop. It's really a humility thing and a problem listening to others. He does what he wants. He is fortunate to have friends that know it is what it is. Like when we are at church and he starts saying what he is thinking out loud, or finishing the speakers statement out loud. I missed last Sunday and a friend called me to let me know that he did it multiple times. Glad I wasn't there although I just tend to stare into oblivion and pretend it doesn't bother me. Everyone knows he has issues. Many feel bad, sad, for me and they know I put up with a lot that is difficult. They are very supportive of me and tolerant of him since they love him. What a situation but hey, life can always be worse. At least I can walk away from the discomfort at times and I have not lost myself completely.
Question?
Submitted by kellyj on
Out of my own curiosity with this since my wife has the tendency to finish peoples sentences for them (that impatience thing).
When he does this....is he right? Meaning....he finishes their sentences correctly....
or...incorrectly and puts/introjects what he thinking that their saying....but actually incorrectly?
I say this because these are two different problems. For me....I mostly interrupted by trying to respond too (to what the other person was saying) fast but not finishing sentences. This was the first ADHD symptom I ever addressed long before I knew I had ADHD. And mostly....I do this pretty well to the point that it's not really a problem. I can catch myself with all but a "ah"...and stop. Most people don't mind that all that much and it doesn't happen all the time either. Before...it happened all the time and I would just keep on going.
But finishing sentences is more impatience again I think. I see this as different even if related. Impulsive (interrupting but responding to the other person) vs to needing to divert or redirect the conversation? Finishing some ones thought for them incorrectly is part of the problem I have with my wife so that's why I'm curious which one it is? This also gets her into the same trouble when we are with other people and at times....cannot wait until the other person finishes their thought before she introjects. Of course that's worse with me but I'm not alone by any stretch. Like I said....I tend to let her do most of the talking when were in a group and I don't any problem waiting my turn and mostly...wait until there is a pause or break to do so. The thing is....I can tell now what impulsive feels like. I can also tell when it's not impulsive and something else...just so you know?
How to get around this exactly with my wife...is still something that I trying to figure out?
He does interrupt quite often
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
He does interrupt quite often. He knows that. But the comments at church are finishing someone's statement, which is usually on point but inappropriate since this is a discourse.This is noticeable since you have 100 people quietly listening and then my H who finishes a punchline or thought loudly. He also agrees out loud. Or if a group at church thinks a statement is funny and he doesn't, he will stay real serious, look at me and audibly say "that's not funny". He has no clue or care as to what is socially unacceptable. If I tell him he is talking too loud he gets bothered, like feeling stifled, since as a child he was always shushed.
Yeah Well?
Submitted by kellyj on
If I tell him he is talking too loud he gets bothered, like feeling stifled, since as a child he was always shushed.
This...is what I would call....a personal problem. Not everyone else's, know what I mean? I sure you do. I think that right there...tells you exactly what the problem is.
Again...just my two bits for what it's worth? Coming from someone who has ADHD.
J
Thank you J and I am glad you
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thank you J and I am glad you are progressing.
Based On My Last Comment
Submitted by kellyj on
I think he needs to start somewhere. Denying he has a problem with this....is the first order of business he needs to get past... before that can happen. If he knows this already and will admit it....you can help him with the cues I mentioned. That's not nagging if he agrees to it up front.
More just a helpful reminder if he can look at this way
And thank you for your words of encouragement...it's a work in progress but getting better all the time:)
J