After 13 years of experiencing it, studying it, and listening and sharing with people all over the US, and other parts of the world, concerning the effects and dynamics that occur when certain mind types enter into a marriage relationship, my findings have been those that I have, and will, attempt to share as a warning, and as an educational opportunity for others...
The dynamics that occur while attempting to be in a relationship (marriage) with most of these mind types, is usually so bad, that it will always be at the forefront of most all sensitive interaction, and conversation attempts...Many couples never make it through these conversations, or interactions, due to refusal of ownership, and negative emotion...
Common behaviors that are highly prevalent with these mind types... These behaviors aren’t at fixed levels... Think of them as on a sliding scale, 1——10, and non -existent in some individuals.
Control & Manipulation, many of these minds want desperately to control every one and every thing in their environment...Even to the point of out of control emotions...Without boundaries many will take on responsibilities, and never follow through, leaving already over burdened spouses with even more work...
Self absorbed minds...These mind types world are all about themselves...This often leaves spouses alone and abandoned even in their presence, many treat their spouse and children as objects for their own entertainment...Many have a lust for self pleasure that severely limits their ability to see or care for the needs of others, especially a spouse...Many will work very hard in the presence of others (outside the home) to hide this aspect of their life...
Hyper Focus minds...Most marriage partners have the same life stories with these mind types...”They were super loving and super attentive for about six month to a year, then they turned inward and I (the spouse) became invisible, for the most part I didn’t know them any longer”
Little Patients, and little concern for mundane life responsibilities. This mind type has such a lust for dopamine/adrenaline producing activities, that they easily dump (without a thought in many cases) the mundane day to day work that marriage takes to hold together on to their spouses..,
Anger outbursts.. It’s very typical for this mind type to have unfiltered anger outbursts without warning...Many struggle with parenting, and will argue with small children, and may say demeaning things about children, they have limited ability to see the big picture of life...
Many are highly Competitive (even with their spouse) to the point it severely limits their ability to have a healthy attachment to a faithful life partner, many of many years..,
Denial & Blame...This type mind will pile on their spouse in most every conversation attempt, but, many will never take Ownership of their behaviors. (It’s always someone else’s fault) Which only produces hopelessness...
Forgetfulness, messy to the point of hoarding.., Many live a life that is complete chaos.. They will completely use up a spouse if boundaries aren’t placed and respected...
Easily addicted...Hyper focus minds give life to each new shiny thing...It consumes them, at the cost of most any responsibility, which the over burdened spouse usually ends up cleaning up...
Most of these mind types have all the same desires and needs as any other mind type, that is the under lying theme (reality) that keeps many committed spouses suffering the intrusive and abusive behaviors...
The loving committed spouse usually goes strait to enabling, and carrying another adult (the exact wrong thing), until they become emotionally broken...Although some just walk away once they decide it’s hopeless...
Many spouses of these mind types end up angry, depressed, and bitter...It’s the perfect storm... Why? Their friends love them, their the life of the party. They can laugh with and at them, and only see what they want to revel...Many are great with small children ( get on their level) as long as it’s play time, and not clean up time...Most normal minded people have no ability to understand that this type mind even exists, (if not been subjected to it) so most abused spouses have no one to share with...Many councilors who deal with it knows it exists, but they are very limited in breaking through when denial is present, many with this mind type will set and stone wall most any truth speaker, because it’s counter productive to their irresponsibility and their unwillingness/or inability (only God knows for sure) to own their behaviors...
Many show no remorse, and no conscience...Have very limited ability to apologize or ask for forgiveness when they wrong their spouse... This mind type will always be great in arguments.. Many justify anything they do..,
In my opinion there is only one way to live with this type individual and limit the dysfunction...That is with boundaries...You can force adult accountability with boundaries.. Never subject yourself to abuse or attempt to carry a lazy adult.., Once they start having to take ownership of their own lives, you find out about their heart...Never allow your heart to get hard, and believe exactly what they show you...You can never change another adult, nor will you answer for their sin...Boundaries will help over burdened spouses find themselves again, something that gets lost many times due to the chaos and fallout... What is impossible for man, is possible w/ God... If you are someone you love are experiencing the pain of relationship abuse, take charge of your life and bring it into the light, set healthy boundaries, and there is help out there if you look...
c
Comments
C - well said
C, this a perfect explanation. I have been following this website for a few years and just recently registered. No one that I know understands what I deal with every day. I am a non-ADHD spouse married for almost 40 years to a severely impaired ADHD husband. I spent decades trying to figure out what was wrong. When I read a book on ADHD marriage, it was like reading about my own marriage. I told my husband about it and that I think he has ADHD and that it has caused problems between us and he had an angry outburst. Anytime he doesn't hear what he wants to hear, or I disagree with him, the anger spews from his mouth. Nothing is ever his fault; he has told me that I don't do enough, even though I work a full time job, and take care of everything from laundry and cleaning to finances and taxes. He takes credit for things that I have done. I've had enough of walking on eggshells, enough of angry outbursts, enough of feeling like I am a bother, enough of his financial stupidity, enough of him treating our children poorly, enough of being ignored. I have had enough of it all. I have no love for this man anymore. It has been eroded away by his behavior and yet I stay and I don't know why. I would be so much better alone. Even our kids have asked why I stay and put up with him. it makes me very sad to know that I have never experienced what a healthy marriage is, nor will I ever because I am so disgusted with this marriage that I will never get married again. I feel bad for all the non-ADHD spouses on this site and yet it is helpful to know that others understand. Bless you all.
Had enough, thank you for the reply....
My whole effort with this letter is about bringing light to the reality of life styles, that are destructive when marital living is attempted....If you (any of us that have been subjected to this behavior any length of time) were able to turn yourself into the fly on the wall, and re-read your post (look at your reality) without emotion or prejudice, you would see that you are scarred...We all are....That's my point!
We have to get up one day and decide life (OUR LIFE) is such a blessing and gift, that we will not allow another day to pass, attributing to our own mental, emotional and physical demise by giving "unhealthy attention" to a another human who has no ability or desire to be an accountable life partner...
I'm not concerned with label's, label's doesn't change the reality of the dynamic between the two....More times than not the destructive part of a person's life isn't add/adhd, it's about refusal to take ownership and responsibility for the things that are solely their pledge/vow and responsibility....The difference in an add/adhd mind that can make a wonderful spouse, and one that should only live alone (will always be destructive as a spouse) is awareness, ownership, and taking responsibility to manage their lives without excusing intrusive and abusive behaviors....It's the same for every human, no matter how our mind functions! And that isn't about the head, it's about the heart...If a person refuses to make themselves learn good habits, if they can't be humbled (swallow their blinding pride) and see themselves clearly....It makes them a person who even their loved one's will dodge....
To many people (like myself) spent way to many years being our own worst enemy allowing ourselves to be trapped by the intrusive and abusive life style of another person (lose ourselves)......In reality we're not mad at them, we're mad at ourselves, for not believing what this person in front of us has been trying to show us, with their daily lifestyles....The reason we do this (non-acceptance) is because we see no clear way to have what we want with them, (a loving marriage and a healthy attachment) so because of fear, and not knowing what to do, we suffer in silence....And only bad things happen in our hearts and minds....
The destructive part of loneliness isn't being alone, it's daily being in the presence of someone only capable of self love.....
c
AMEN
The destructive part of loneliness isn't being alone, it's daily being in the....e presence of someone only capable of self love...
Amen, C. Been there, done that. ( Hugs. )
Thanks C
Well said. Thank you C for sharing, so many of us are walking down the same path.
Nodding along
As I read this, I found myself nodding along to your list of common behaviours. Very real observations that apply to many of us from someone who has really been in the trenches.
Forgetfulness, messy to the point of hoarding....
Hi C, this is a great list of categories! I still find it so amazing how diverse folks with ADHD can be and at times, can be so different from one another in these categories you mentioned. It was also very easy to spot the one that defined me the most. It's clearly been my lifelong struggle and you summed it up succinctly. Being forgetful and creating messes ( and physical chaos ) has always been my specialty. I've also come to my own personal turning point of making a dramatic shift in this reality to something completely different. In the very essence of boundaries...I'm creating new boundaries for myself. The biggest one was to sell off, give away and throw away all of my personal belongings. My house is almost completely empty except for the absolute essentials. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but it comes with a reward. Peace of mind. I can manage just fine, if I'm not overwhelmed. And the easiest way to not become overwhelmed is to not have anything to deal with. Not having "stuff" to manage, my stress and anxiety virtually dissapeared. This has a long reaching effect on so many other areas of my well being. Easier said than done but it's all in the past for me now. Letting go was key, and I mean that at the deepest level of my psyche. In an ongoing basis, limiting myself to only what I know I can manage and really need is placing a new boundary on myself so there's no need for anyone else to need boundaries with me. I think what really had to happen first however, was wanting this more, than wanting all the "stuff". Life is about trade offs, and I've made my choice.
Thanks for the list C. It was helpful to place myself and read it in print.
J
Hello J
I'm glad you found it helpful....Much of what I put in print, is a great tool for myself... (go back and reread it) It really helps me to keep perspective about my own situation, (life of boundaries) so I can be encouraged about the reality of it all....It's easy to back slide into the dream world of what I would like, vs. what is real.....
Take care friend!
c
not having stuff
you said... "Not having "stuff" to manage, my stress and anxiety virtually disappeared."
Managing stuff is its own full time job. I so agree with this!
this...
The loving committed spouse usually goes strait to enabling, and carrying another adult (the exact wrong thing), until they become emotionally broken...Although some just walk away once they decide it’s hopeless...
After you've stopped enabling, then what? After nearly 23 years, it seems like I've wasted my life *sigh*
Hello B4
Once we truly stop enabling our spouse, they will react... Their reactions will usually vary, based how effected they are by having to be accountable for their own responsibilities...If we love our spouse's we haven't wasted our lives. We have just unwisely burdened ourselves attempting to shoulder a load meant for two way to often... It's taken us several years to learn acceptance... I live in a messy house, I don't chose... Because the women I love and am vowed to has add, and suffers with many of its effects.., But with boundaries and prayer, (and enjoying my own life) I have found a place that is doable...Or as I like to say about adhd minded people in marriages. " What is possible and peace be had"....I suggest you focus solely on yourself a while...Your health (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) You owe it to yourself, no matter what your spouse does or doesn't do.... So many times I would get so messed up, hyper focusing on all the things I disliked about her life... When in reality I am helpless to change on thing about her... It was self inflicted suffering... I've learned to be quiet, I learned to calmly say no to things without hating it... I've learned to enjoy my own company without feeling victimized...
I wish you great wisdom in how to move forward... And many blessings
c
This reply was very
This reply was very insightful and helpful to me in gaining some perspective, especially the self-inflicted suffering and hyper focusing on the dislikes. I believe it's that helpless feeling you describe that bothers me most. I don't like feeling this way and it's apparent I have felt this way for some time now. And this: "We have just unwisely burdened ourselves attempt to shoulder a load meant for two way too often."
Nailed it!
Love...I'm at the numb stage. While I can say the words, they have a resounding echo of emptiness. The well of my heart having been poured out for so long now sits empty and void of blissful feelings. It's a rather sad state when you look at your spouse and feel pity, then at yourself and feel shame. Shame for not having left sooner when there was still emotion to be felt and then shame for even considering leaving. It's like drowning on your own air! Right now, I'm working through a lot of grief, disappointment, and much regret of what could've been. And just saying all of that sounds so completely shallow! UGH
Still, I'm learning to enjoy my own life, to untangle myself from my spouse (as a separate person), and to say yes to the things I enjoy, which has been a discovery in itself. As an introvert personality type, it was all to easy to morph into whatever my spouse needed at the time and simply lose sight of who I was. Once I realized this and began to exercise my 'no' muscle, the reactions from my spouse were harshness and silence. To me, there is a certain cruelty in the silent treatment...probably the worst forms of covert abuse in my opinion. But I was at a breaking point of where I had to make changes or lose myself altogether.
"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." James 3:17