My husband was diagnosed in march and we have had four years of horrible marriage problems leading up to it.
Since diagnosis we have been on a merry go round where I beg him to face up to the adhd and create a plan to stop it affecting our marriage, he says he will and then doesn't.
He is taking the meds but doesnt like them and sometimes doesn't take them (always results in a row before I realise he hasn't taken them).
There is next to no support where we live so he sees his meds doctor via Skype and this doctor offers no other support apart from adjusting meds. He has only seen the guy twice.
I have been trying to get him to read certain chapters of adhd books so we can talk about them, but he still has nothing up say about them.
He feels he is trying and doing plenty. I only need him to do one thing and that's to start working on the behaviour that affects our marriage - and this is not happening.
I keep thinking I need to move me and my daughter back to our home city (the three of us moved to a remote area for husbands work last year) and just let him figure it out on his own.
He is not getting what needs to be done, he treats his job as so much more important than us and claims to never have time to think about adhd or accessing support or reading about it.
it feels like he is simply wasting my time. I have slogged through this situation for a long time, and now we have the answers I think he needs to step up and put them into action.
I totally feel your pain....
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Hi C44, I wish I had some advice to give you. I am in the same boat as you. Trying to figure out if I am wasting my time or not. I love my husband dearly - but I also know that I will not be OK with a life void of affection, and playing the "mother" role to him. I want a real partner in life, one who is willing to participate WITH me - make sense?
This is what I am trying to do right now in my situation. It is essentially laying the work into his hands, and removing myself from the role of "nagging wife" in trying to work on our issues.
I saw something like this work in another situation. Heres the thing though - I know that this isnt a cure, and I know that even what seems like a fix might not last. So I ask myself all the time should I cut and run? I am sure you are feeling the same. I wish I had something to tell you that would make it easier. You and I are living in Limbo - and that is very destructive to who we are as people. At some point we have to get ourselves out of limbo - the question is, will our partner come with us. :-(
Right now, we had to change some of the rules in our agreement - this post explains what and why (just posted it a couple of days ago)
and you can see that things arent going as I had hoped. I told my husband last night that he has to convince me by October to not file for divorce. That as of right now - I am going to file. If he can show me that he wants this marriage and will work to keep and protect it I wont file. If he cant show me between now and then - well I have my answer. I told him he can use the time between how he wants. He can spend it hanging with friends, playing video games, concentrating on his sports - all up to him. But I wont wait around forever for him to figure out if I am important to him or not.
I wish you good luck - and I hope that things work out regardless...