A reality snapshot....

This post isn't about add/adhd, personality disorders, bi-polar disease or any other mental, physical or emotional suffering.....It's about Adults, it's about freedom, and being free....Free to take a spouse, to work a job, own a business, to bring innocent children into the world, and parent them...It's about people who live long lives, and survive those lives just fine.....This post is about the responsibility level and attitude of you and your spouse... (two people who chose, and is choosing, to live out their lives together as one flesh)

Do you have a healthy marriage relationship?....Do you and your spouse both get up every day with a peaceful spirit, and go about being responsible to all the things that you vowed or agreed to be responsible for? (each other, minor children, jobs, family, and other responsibilities)....Are you both open, and approachable in your one flesh relationship? Do you always have a loving and welcoming smile, hug and a kiss for each other? Even though you have marriage vows, are you each others favorite person? Do you love spending time together, and make sure you both seek to do it daily, if at all possible?...IF you both tell each other daily that you love each other, is both of your lived lives bearing that comment out, and making it truth? In 5 years of reading and posting on this site, I don't remember anyone coming her to discuss their healthy attachment...So their is a good possibility most of us can't answer all the above questions in the affirmative....

So for those of us who do not like our answers, what are we going to do about our own lives? I'm going to give a grade 1-5 to the things I've tried, and the results, and maybe a comment......1 = no help...5 = amazing help....A 0 means just more harm.....

1) Angrily Demanding her to be responsible to her role, her vows.......(0).

2) Verbal battling..........(-0) This is the worst thing possible.....Nothing said can be unsaid...Plus my conscience would drive me to apologize for my role in the argument, to a person who's mind is so messed up, she was using my apology as a way to justify her behavior....A person who shows little to no remorse....So I found out, you can never argue w/ her, with out undoing any good thing previously accomplished....

3) Point out her dysfunction, and irresponsibility in a calm way....(1)....It can be a (2) if it's done in love, and never repeated or harped on...

4) Disciplining my life to not pick up behind her, even if it means I endure messes that I have great disdain for.....A solid (3).

5) Discipline my life to not mother or enable her....(4)

6) Disciplining my life to not expect her to be any different...Even if she surprises me on occasions w/ her kindness....This is a solid 3 for our relationship, But it's a 5 for my emotions....

7) Boundaries (5)...My wife see's life like an immature child for the most part....Anything she don't like or desire (adult obligations) she basically dodges it, complains about it, (victim) or refuses to take part...This squashes openness, approachability, and forces boundaries in things most married adults could never understand....She can't see the error of her ways....Boundaries are imperative for those of us who can't trust our spouse....Any adult, who looks to control by any means, must face NO's, or they will run over you, take advantage you, all in the name of self interest, and fun....(Selfishness)....My wife know's I enjoy intimacy and an active sex life, so, she will use sex (prostitute herself) trying to manipulate me to travel (intercontinental)....If we do not refuse to share in the things that we know will be abused, then we are asking for the abuses....I will never trust my wife, because she can be bought with frivolity opportunities....If I was laying in bed sick enough to need assistance, and her adult Son (who is much like her, in many ways, self entertainment being one) called and asked her to go hiking or rafting....Based on our past, I have no doubt she would leave ....So would you trust her? LOL...Better question, are you trusting an untrustworthy human, just because you are married to them? Wow, that is so dangerous....Boundaries will force accountability, where it's hated...

8) Grow a thick skin, and learning to ignore victim and immature comments....(5) (when I can do it.)....This has been vital in keeping our sex life alive...She only likes sex when she's having her O, the starting, the intimacy, the work is to much for her lazy and selfish demenor...And she like many I have read about here, if it is work, or if it's no fun for me...Forget it!....The only time this kind of adult considers their spouse is when it entertaining and fun for them...This part (the not giving, the not doing relational work) is a heart matter to me....She is not idiot,, it's just thoughtlessness...unconcern!...Because if she's being entertained or it's shame driven, the girl can work...

9) Separation  (4)....My life was so much easier, the house stayed clean and organized...But I love her, and felt I could have done better with wisdom, acceptance and boundaries....So that is where we are today...

What about you, have you found ways to build ur own healthy life style, no matter the road your spouse takes??

c