Storming out & closing off

Hi all ,

This is my first post , I just joined and can relate a lot to what folks are talking about. I'm at my wits end here with my partner. We've been together almost 4 years and have gone through the mill emotionally. Both had baggage and have been trying to work through it . We tried couple counseling for a  few months but he ended that as he didn't want to "keep going over the same problems and digging up the past". My partner who has ADHD was diagnosed a couple of years ago. He is a  recovering chronic addict whos latest usage was weed for 18 months , all day every day ( an attempt at self medication) . Hes now 4 weeks clean and sober and back going to meetings,looking for a  sponser. While thats great and I support him quitting 100% , it hasn't altered his behavior much . He goes the gym every day and bodybuilds to the point of fanaticism alongside keen focus on diet & nutrition.

He great with my 2 kids , aged 9 & 12 and our pets. Very responsible & loving. The main issue is I walk on eggshells most of the time as when he gets upset ,it escalates fast and he vents,loudly and aggressivley , says awful insulting things , how he cant stand me,my family are worthless,I'm just like them , my background is flawed /I'm a psycho etc etc  and then storms off , sometimes for weeks. I usually get a  text letting me know I've been dumped and calling me names or the other stone cold approach telling me "its for the best ".I don't hear from him for up to a  month. I used to fall apart , cry & miss him terribly but the last few times its a matter of just carrying on.The embarrassment of explaining to my family and friends of why he won't be attending events , special days or prior commitments is awful. Their advice of telling me to forget him and me , like a  fool taking him back. 

He has so many amazing qualities ,great sense of humour , loyal ,generous but the rug can be pulled out at any time from under me and within minutes I'm left alone again.  The latest reason is to "find himself" and "focus on his recovery in some space alone " away from me.

This usually happens if he perceives me to be condescending in any way , either by my tone or body language. Its definitely not intentional on my part. He interprets any suggestion or attemt at explanation as "treating him like dirt" or "talking to him like a  child" and the storm off/break up is the result. He changes dynamic so often I can't keep up. Its like having to support 2 opposite football teams who swap jerseys and I'm confused as to which one to cheer for on any given day. He gets upset if you don't keep up.

Our latest (you couldn't even call it an ) argument was last night .I'd booked a couple of nights in a  hotel as a break , brought us for massages yesterday, nice meals etc and all was going well.

I asked him to pass me a  cigarette just as I was getting out of the shower and he refused ,despite having it right, beside him. I asked why and he stormed out. I followed him and asked again and was told to Drop it , let it go. Baffled I was asking Why not though , whats the problem ?  He then kept telling me to shut up ,that I was starting a fight over a stupid cigarette. Insisting there was nothing to fight about ,I just don't get it and that led to him being aggressive , calling names,growling through his teeth ,saying I never shut up , yak yak yak ,nag ,nag,nag and eventually him knocking the lights off to sleep. I sat in the bathroom crying and that annoyed him even more.  I couldn't sleep and poured a  glass of wine to try read in the other bed and that annoyed him worse. It felt like no matter what i did,it would be met with hostility.

He left this morning again after a one liner about how this wasn't working out.  3 days break ( the first in years from work & kids)  ,costing almost 800 euro and he just left.I'm sitting looking at an empty room heartbroken again.

Is it normal for people with ADHD to fly off the handle to easily? Hes had years of counselling in treatment centers for drugs and looks down on most councilors and professionals. apparently its all my fault for keeping on nagging ( asking whats gone wrong )and forcing him into what he calls an ADHD rant.  Hes blocked me online & phone now and I've no way to contact him .I'm serious baffled and no idea if I want a future ith him.Is he just being nasty or is he genuinely not able to control this anger. Is paranoia a symptom of ADHD  ?  any advice would help ,