A Useful Excersise in Identifying My Triggers

I did this exercise ( specific to my reactions and specific to my wife )  I did this immediately after  an exchange I had with her this morning where I got really pissed off, and I wanted to understand it better.  Namely for myself, but also, identifying what I have found so "dishonest" for lack of a better word. And since our T told us or assigned us to identify what we "don't want"....this is in part following through with that, but also recognizing more that goes with it.  I did a lot of research recently on the difference between men and women with ADHD and the coi-morbid likely's that go with it and it was extremely valuable for me to see what those differences are, with are quite pronounced in certain areas.   Recognizing in a sense, what my wife "can't help" or "can't just stop" or go away, at least gives me some ideas of what I should not expect, than learn to deal and live with my own reactions and responses.  My reactions are usually not tied to any grudge or not letting go....it has more to do with expecting "respect" in an on going basis....looking forward not backwardly;.....but realizing that I'm just not going to get what I want ( probably ever ) so I might as well learn to let go of that too.  At least for now, but still working on exactly what to do with it?  I still don't know the exact right or wrong thing to do with this in the moment...but today I decided to play both roles for as...as a me3ans to give it back to her which really didn't work...but it did make me feel a little better.  As I do and as she does....nothing was different until I had finished doing a favor for her by attempting to fix the window on her car which has been acting up.  When I got it to a place where I figured out what was wrong, I put a band aide on it and got it working enough as long as she didn't do anything to make it worse.  When I started to tell her what not to do, she cut me off and I was fine with that, but then said......"And thank you for taking the time to do that and figure out what was wrong. Thank you for fixing that for me, and thank you for your efforts"  I've decided to validate myself out loud to her since I will never get that from her.  He response to me was  "like I do for you all the time with the dogs....you were the last person to use the car"..............as if, I broke the window??  It was like ( again ) WTF is wrong with you!!!!! errrrrrrrr!!!!   And I basically said  "Fuck you, never ask me to do anything for you again, and don;t do anything for me!! Period"  That was not a good response, but I was rather pissed at hers even though I did set that up as an experiment and I kind of new already what I mgith get?  I just wanted to hear it again, to see exactly what words would come out of her mouth, so I could gto identify what it was, that was really most offensive about that for me. I rarely get gratitude for these things since as she see's it, I owe her which is her distorted perspection.  But the blaming for breaking a power window which hasn't been working correctly for months, was beyond ridiculous, saying "you were the last one to use it"  The fact is, it's her car.....I drive it, or use it about 20% of 100% of use, between the two of us?  It's this kind of backwards logic and rediculous statements that really upset me since they come at me in a particular way.  By running through this little exercise....I figured out which way that is and why that makes me so mad at times.  I'll jnclude the data sheet that gave me some real hard evidence to think about more as time goes on.
https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1471-244X-13-298

 


The Art of Insult....a cowardly and dishonest way of speaking to people.  Say what you mean, and quit hiding behind your words and come right out and say it, instead of beating around the bush while that person is in the bush themselves.  I mean really.  If your going to hit someone with a stick, grow a pair and hit them for crying out loud !  Instead of taking the stick, and beating around the bush their in.  This is exactly what I witnessed my 3 year old nephew do with his 1 year old little brother when my sister wasn't looking but I was watching him out of the corner of my eye.  

My 3 year old nephew, was sitting next to her little brother in his car seat carrier and my sister was getting the car ready to take them to the store.  He had this big plastic ( hollow ) hammer and he was ( pretending to ) play with it, hitting it against the cement floor of the garage.  As I watched him out of the corner of my eye, with each hit of the hammer, the hammer would move closer and closer to his little brother until it finally landed square on top of his little brothers head. LOL  And of course. his little brother started crying, my sister had to grab him off the floor and put him in the car and my 3 year old nephew was then reprimanded but not without first denying it with a "who me, I didn't do anything" look on his face.  Like "I was just playing with my hammer and somehow it slipped and hit my little brother on the head while it was still in my hand."   I took my sister aside out of ear shot and told her what I saw and she said " YES!!! I know.  I have to watch him all the time because he will do that when ever he has a chance.  He is going through that stage where he doesn't like the attention (Sam) is getting since he has never had to share my attention with anyone and he doesn't like it when (Sam) gets more than him at times.  Especially when he knows that ( Sam ) needs help and he doesn't like this  and I have to do things for ( Sam) and I don't have to do them for him" ( paraphrasing )

OMG!!!  This is it.  I wasn't born yesterday ( you know ).  LOL  I did this as an excersise, to identify what I've been reacting to that I could not put into words exactly, but in light of what I read in an article comparing genders ( boys & girls ) with ADHD and co-morbid conditions that can appear later in life....I think I have pretty much pin-pointed the difference that I am seeing between myself and my wife...and exactly what I feel the problem is between us and my triggers more importantly.  When someone gives me a gift, and I don't want it, I don't deserve it, or it doesn't belong to me.....I defintely will react in some way with an emotional response and the resulting ( conduct ) or behavior that will follow suit.  As I was reminded of this, along with me being predominanently-hyperactive....but still combined at a ratio or percentage....I'd say I'm about 80 / 20 % on my self measurement scale ( hyper / inattentive ) which is exactly what I did in my past in my behaviors for the most part.  Conduct behaviors w/ some ODD....but  mostly....conduct problems and far less ODD.  ODD was very much on the mild end and I was much more procatively impulsive...and far less retroactively aggressive with any stong need to hit back or punish.  I have never had a stong need to "hurt back" and that is the curious difference that find most distasteful with my wife.  The way she goes about it, reminds me very much of my 3 year old nephew which is her intention....no doubt.  It's not just negativity.....it's negativity with a need for revenge and that is what I am most focused on, since that is not something I own.  It really hasn't been something I own, but when push comes to shove....when I own it, I don't beat around the bush in what I see as...a cowardly chicken shit kind of way.  In a metaphorical sense.....if I'm going to hit you, you'll know it!!! ( in your face mother fucker......pow, right in the kisser!!! lol )  And then some.  No beating around the bush on that one.  In a push comes to shove adversarily contest, I have an amazing ability for economy of words and getting right to the point.  Out in the open , no pretentious, back stabbing and then playing the "who me, I didn't do anything wrong"   ( Bullshit, as if my 3 year old nephew did nothing wrong!!!  It didn't hurt his little brother really, but it scared him and it did hurt a little and he was defenseless strapped in his car seat completely vulnerable which was why he picked that time to do it.  I call Bullshit on that, even in the adult, more sophisticated version.  It's all the same to me, and that is precisely the point.  It is, all the same to me, and I can't see any difference?  I have strong reactions and emotional responses to this that trigger me into bad behavior and where I have to stop myself from doing what come naturally in this case )

And that is exactly how  I can sum this up to in a very simple  way having fun with this.  I am having fun with this and also pointing out exactly what I see as my major problem as well.  That's the point of me doing this in the first place for myself:

-identifying my triggers
-identifying my reactions
-And identifying my conclusions that I come to based on how I feel about it.  And if you want to boil this down to how I might react ( in the past exept when I am cornered or at my most vulnerable time with my guard down all in good faith and that faith and trust has been vilated or betrayed.... what I would be likely to say in response in an uncontrolled way without the ability to pick a healthier response ( just to show here if I were to just blurt from the reaction to this kind of insult )

 "Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on....you want to try that one again?  You'll get the same response from me ( mother fucker )   And in a really heated or contested exhange, I'd be stadning there saying "bring it on.....watch what happens the next time you do that.  C'mon, I'm right here in front of you ( two feet away ) ...watch what happens when you do that again, I wasn't born yesterday and you know exactly what you are doing.....try me, and see what happens.....you'll be sorry if you do.  I guarenentee it."


And I would most likey, put my arms out and my hands out open...signalling that they are free to take the first punch or swing, completely showing my belly and allowing myself to be completely exposed and open.  And then begging for the person to hit me again....since this time I am basically saying "Im going to hit you back.....HARD! If you do."  And the point is, I will.  I'm not bluffing in that case.  When I get in game on mode, I mean it.  There in no bluffing in my vocabulary.  Homey don't play that chicken shit game of thowing rocks at someones back when they have their back turned and they are walking away from you.  At least from my expereince, a coward is coward.....you match a coward with someone who no longer afraid and has no fear of being hurt.....suddenly the realize that they are going to get hurt if they try.  I may lose the fight or get my but kicked in the end, but they going to lose a body part or an eye or pay some price no matter what?  They're going to get hurt, if hurting is the currency or the game that is being played.  If the game is to see who can take the most pain, I will win and you will lose since I take take a lot of pain, and still come back up expereince, a coward is coward.....you match a coward with someone who no longer afraid and has no fear of being hurt.....suddenly the realize that they are going to get hurt if they try.  I may lose the fight or get my but kicked in the end, but they going to lose a body part or an eye or pay some price no matter what?  They're going to get hurt, if hurting is the currency or the game that is being played.  If the game is to see who can take the most pain, I will win and you will lose since I take take a lot of pain, and still come back up fighing.  You'll have to kill me in that case if our pain threshold is equal.

This is exactly the mental process I go through in a sporting competition ahead of time to get my adreniline to spike.  Once I can get my adreneline to spike...I no longer feel pain and that is to my advantage.  It also allows me to summon courage on demand when I need it which in that context, it is.   Inside, I may have self doubt and fear and all that goes with it, but in the moment I need to be Superman, and that's how I've found I can do it.  It is a mental process of "jacking myself up".....instead of being "hyjacked"...I'm doing it with intention in the face of a realy adverary or threat.  And it they won't back off or back down and I'm cornered for survivial sake and how I'm wired.....if passivity no longer works and no agressive tactics no longer prove effective...when I switched and go agressive and go into "fight"...."fight" is the last resort always....but that doesn't mean I "can't" or "won't" which is deceptive at times.  Between fight, flight, freeze or run.   I "freeze first, I "flight or run" second.....and when all esle fails....then I fight but when I do, there is no such thing as a fare fist fight.  Fighting under those conditions means.....no holds barred and I will go straigh for the juggler or the most vulnerable spot I can land a punch or hit to.  "Fairness" is no longer part of "fighting" when I get put into a corner like that.

All this is, is me recognizing myself in this and how I see things from that perspective.  What I really wanted to say was what I good job I've done in not doing this more than anything esle....despite the "attack" , the "offense" and the "attempt" to give me a gift, with a particular "nasty flavor" to it....which comes through to me as cowardess and dishonestly...while feigning just the opposite.  The fiegning come in the form of self rightous inignation, disdain and by insulting worth words in a very underhadned way, that is highly distasteful.  At the end of the day as I come full circle here.  Respect is earned...and this where "no respect" is given even if done silently with no reaction or response which is what I learned to do.  I still to this day, don't know the right thing to do or how to answer the question without losing respect for myself?  But I have learned to resolve it, and just ignore and the person doing it.  I can make them invisisble, pretty easily if the facr of this and I have learned some very godd come backs to do put them right into the ground where they belong.

Here's the list of assoicated words and expressions that are all connected to the art of insutling people.  It is not something I'm very good at doing intentionlly since I am much more out in the open about it when I do it which is that conduct violation.  I think their should be some kind of defintion or label to put on this, but I haven't come up with one, I just know it when I hear it and I am very good at understanding exactly what is happening.  I wan't born yesterday.....is always my first initial response or reaction to this.  This is all about ownership....or trying to "disown" what is your's by pawning it off on someone else.  Either you own it, or you don't....but don't give it to me, when it doesn't belong to me.  Ownership, is everything.  Own it, and keep it, and learn to live with what is yours...don't give it to me, because I don't want it!!! LOL  And of course when I do it,  and I do it at times too because everyone does....I expect to have it handed back to me, that is what I deserve for this kind of insult or violation.  It always works both ways.

The bottom line is....speaking in the 3rd person is kind of Bullshit way of communicating and wrought with problems right from the get go.  At the very least, it comes across as chicken shit, to the reciever or "hearer" of said, such words.  He or she who smelt it, dealt it I have always said, and I still say it since for the most part ...since for the most part it's  mostly true.

stigmatize-

incriminate-
entail-
im·ply
imˈplī/
verb
verb: imply; 3rd person present: implies; past tense: implied; past participle: implied; gerund or present participle: implying  ( which means...one person is talking in the third person to you, and you are present in the NOW, on the recieiving end of it.  That's what 3rd person present means as far as the impact and you are concerned.

    strongly suggest the truth or existence of (something not expressly stated).  ( it may not expressly stated, but the message comes through loud and clear!!! LOL   I wasn't born yesterday )
    "the salesmen who uses jargon to imply his superior knowledge"
    synonyms:    insinuate, suggest, hint (at), intimate, say indirectly, indicate, give someone to understand, convey the impression, signal ( I undersand!!  clearly!!! )
    "are you implying he is mad?"
        (of a fact or occurrence) suggest (something) as a logical consequence.

en·tail
verb
verb: entail; 3rd person present: entails; past tense: entailed; past participle: entailed; gerund or present participle: entailing
inˈtāl,enˈtāl/

    1.
    involve (something) as a necessary or inevitable part or consequence.
    "a situation that entails considerable risks"
    synonyms:    involve, necessitate, require, need, demand, call for; More
    mean, imply;
    cause, produce, result in, lead to, give rise to, occasion  ( yeah, give rise to wanting to smack the person upside the head lol )
    "first, we'll need to know exactly what the job entails"
        Logic
        have as a logically necessary consequence.
    2.
    Law
    settle the inheritance of (property) over a number of generations so that ownership remains within a particular group, usually one family.
    "her father's estate was entailed on a cousin"
        archaic
        cause to experience or possess in a way perceived as permanent or inescapable.
        "I cannot get rid of the disgrace that you have entailed upon us"
a settlement of the inheritance of property over a number of generations so that it remains within a family or other group.
-a property that is bequeathed under such conditions.

:    involve, necessitate, require, need, demand, call for; mean, imply;
cause, produce, result in, lead to, give rise to, occasion
"first, we'll need to know exactly what the job entails"
Logic
    have as a logically necessary consequence.
2.
Law
settle the inheritance of (property) over a number of generations so that ownership remains within a particular group, usually one family.
"her father's estate was entailed on a cousin"
archaic
    cause to experience or possess in a way perceived as permanent or inescapable.
    "I cannot get rid of the disgrace that you have entailed upon us"

a settlement of the inheritance of property over a number of generations so that it remains within a family or other group.
a property that is bequeathed under such conditions.

be·queath
bəˈkwēT͟H,bəˈkwiTH/
verb
past tense: bequeathed; past participle: bequeathed
leave (a personal estate or one's body) to a person or other beneficiary by a will.
    "an identical sum was bequeathed by Margaret"
    synonyms:    leave to, leave in one's will to, hand on/down to, will to, make over to, pass on to, entrust to, grant to, transfer to; donate to, give to;
    endow on, bestow on, confer on;
    demise to, devise to, convey to
    "I bequeath the northern campgrounds to the Yellow Birch Fishing Club"
        pass (something) on or leave (something) to someone else.
        "he is ditching the unpopular policies bequeathed to him"
        synonyms:    leave to, leave in one's will to, hand on/down to, will to, make over to, pass on to, entrust to, grant to, transfer to; donate to, give to;
        endow on, bestow on, confer on;
        demise to, devise to, convey to
        "I bequeath the northern campgrounds to the Yellow Birch Fishing Club"

en·trust
ənˈtrəst/
verb
verb: entrust; 3rd person present: entrusts; past tense: entrusted; past participle: entrusted; gerund or present participle: entrusting
assign the responsibility for doing something to (someone).
    "I've been entrusted with the task of getting him safely back"
    synonyms:    charge, invest, endow; burden, encumber, saddle
    "he was entrusted with the task"
    assign to, confer on, bestow on, vest in, consign to;
    delegate to, depute to, devolve to;
    give to, grant to, vouchsafe to
    "the powers entrusted to the treasury department"
        put (something) into someone's care or protection.
        "you persuade people to entrust their savings to you"
        synonyms:    hand over, give custody of, turn over, commit, consign, deliver; formal commend
        "she entrusted them to the hospital"

ENDOW; ENDUE
en-dou', en-du':
likeness between the literal meanings has confused the metaphorical use of the words in spite of their difference in origin. Thus we find in Genesis 30:20, the King James Version "endued me with a good dowry" the Revised Version (British and American) "endowed" (zabhadh, "bestow upon," "endow"); Exodus 22:16, the King James Version "endow her to be his wife" the Revised Version (British and American) "pay a dowry for her" mahar, "purchase" "endow"; compare Deuteronomy 22:29; 2 Chronicles 2:12,13, the King James Version and the Revised Version (British and American) "endued" with understanding (from yadha`, "know"); and Luke 24:49, the King James Version "endued with power," the Revised Version (British and American) "clothed" (enduo, "clothe").

Heritage:
estate, patrimony. See inheritance.

an estate inherited from one's father or ancestors.
2.
any quality, characteristic, etc., that is inherited; heritage.
3.
the aggregate of one's property.
4.
the estate or endowment of a church, religious house, etc.

Patronize
 1.
to give (a store, restaurant, hotel, etc.) one's regular patronage; trade with.
2.
to behave in an offensively condescending manner toward:

a professor who patronizes his students.
3.
to act as a patron toward (an artist, institution, etc.); support.