Okay, I'm going to say what a lot of these posts say: I'm new here. I apologize if there is already a forum on here in this category on this topic:
In my family, I really am done being angry with my partner with ADHD, once I realized what was happening it was much easier for me to be empathetic. The problem with us is HIS anger. My husband is the most happy-go-lucky guy anyone could ever meet. He's kind and caring and funny and handsome. But... catch him in the wrong "space" and ask for something? Watch out. He gets so angry. NOT unsafe-crazy-person-maybe-he'll-hit-me angry. But just so mad. And then so so withdrawn.
I think it's because he feels bad he didn't think of something on his own, or bad that it's the tenth time I've asked, or something - at any rate, I'm pretty sure that the root of the anger is not about me.
So I'm left with this - I can't really safely ask for help because I don't want for him to feel bad about himself. I can't ask for help also, because then he'll withhold the light, happy, wonderful man that he is from me.
As a result, I really try to ask for nothing. But... you guys, the pressure to maintain everything is really CRUSHING. I'm not mad at him. I love him. I promised to love him no matter what and I do, I really do. However, I'm afraid that I can't keep all of these balls in the air. And, while I'm not resentful now, how can I maintain this forever?
And, really the big question at the back of my head is - this really isn't FAIR. I can't ask for anything? Again, he's a great guy and a great father, and he adds an element of levity to our lives that is valuable and necessary (I'm a tad intense). If I keep that in the front of my brain I can deal with it, but sometimes it's I just HAVE to ask for stuff - how do I approach my husband with a need and not spin him into this shame/anger cycle? I have enough to deal with without also feeling crappy that I made him feel bad. I've tried notes, email, texts, talks - I can't find his WAY and neither can he.