Times are hard in my caregiving profession. Several people at our clinic, myself included, are feeling overwhelmed when fewer people are supposed to do more.
Again noticing signs of burnout (have been here briefly before), I seriously think about quitting.
The ADD ex husband until two years ago leaned heavily on me for a lot of things, there are several teenagers, a house, and for the last decade there’s also been this clinic. I’ve tried to further an education, simultaneously working long hours in a chaotic environment.
Amazed, I find I must have chosen boundary-violating caregiving on every front. Or perhaps, since nobody knew about ex husband’s severe ADD until the last couple of years, I’ve stumbled into it. Then once he was doing badly, I had to try and make a decent-paying career out of a job.
I can’t remember ever wanting to do clinical work as a student, or after. Am I even this warm, empathetic person any more? Privately, I’m more or less falling apart at the seams. I don’t have the energy this fall to pursue hobbies, but mostly grieve under warm blankets at home. Still I’m determined to do good work. Challenges and a bit of adrenaline make me happy at work. It feels important to communicate well with clients. Which means I don’t get home on time, and don’t get my lunch hour. And now my boss complains and says I can’t work overtime like I’ve been doing. Which stresses me even more, because then I can’t leave the clinic with the comfort of knowing everything is well taken care of.
Does anyone else recognize this? Do non-ADHD-ers in these relationships tend to be bad at all kinds of boundary-setting, giving out themselves unhealthily, seeking out places where it’s inevitable?
Do they choose it, or are they chosen by it?
I’m sick of feeling hurt by boundaries and lack of boundaries alike. Also of feeling used by people for having empathy and work ethic.
Should people like me be in other professions altogether? In that case, which ones? How do we protect ourselves?
Comments
Learning about co-dependancy
I'm the same. Always wondering why everyone trampled on my boundaries but I had to swallow my pride and when I took the time to learn them, realised I was the one trampling on myself. Absorbing as much as I could across podcasts ans books about co-dependancy really helped big time. But it's not perfect but there's been a lot of progress. I'm in the thick of some heavy stuff right now but I'm super proud of my own boundaries or at least being able to recognise burnout and pursuer burnout long before it takes me down.
It’s interesting
Pursuer burnout is new to me, had to look it up. And of course, it sounds like the inevitable result of living with a passive depressed person who avoids honest conversation and doesn’t reach out to repair trust.
What co-dependency is seems less clear when one tries to read about it?
At this point I’d throw in a feminist point of view as well (everyone and everything likes to profit on but not reward hard-working women who turn chaos into order and never give up). And part of the professional trouble is a capitalistic system demanding ever-increasing productivity.
I’ve also, sadly, taught people to expect I do initiatives and heavy lifting so they can relax. This I’m not proud of. I feel like s-t with the family of origin (who are too neurodivergent to do anything about the growing disconnect). I loathe that my boss seems to imply I’m not efficient. What does she know, I work my a-s off for efficiency, she never sees my client work or the potential client disasters I avoid.
Really, what it takes is to identify one’s boundaries and express them. Only it’s a challenge to get it through to my boss. I feel the clinic isn’t clear about what’s expected and I may have misinterpreted it. It feels painful and insulting after a decade of working for them.
Off the Roller, I’m glad you’ve reached further in putting your foot down. You sound determined and it makes me inspired and hopeful.
It's hard to stop
Yeah I've only heard about pursuer burnout recently and it really relates to my soul.
For co-dependancy, I can recommend some good podcast to listen to to start... it can be very difficult and its easy and familiar to "fight it", eg letting the voice in your head, while listening to something that gets your back up (meaning theh are hitting a nerve), counter everything someone says in a podcast or whatever you're reading. The voice tells you you're an exception, but really, we are not. Just conditioned and it takes so much time and self compassion to get to a place of clarity.
Let me grab some of those titles- it was mostly in We Can do Hard Things.
Swedish I had a moment last week which if it happened 3-5 years ago, I would have crumbled in and just gone with the flow...basically pushed my needs down again and again and again. And instead my SO did an action, and it has hurt me dearly, and I had this clarity moment. I'm not wasting another tear or breath on someone who has CLEARLY made their intentions known. He does not care. He does not respect me nor does he care to. And its time for me to start believing his actions. My co-dependancy traits would usually have me making excuses and talking myself down from anger... but not anymore. Its enough and I've had enough. I don't want to be with someone who clearly doesn't want to be with me.im gathering my thoughts about it all, continuing on with my day and straightening my crown... bc there's stuff to get done.
....that strength all brought to you by a years+ worth of self development podcasts ;)
Also random thought...
But honest question that it might be good to sit on.....but do you actually like your job? Like, you might want to explore your profession that you're good at it bc you've been conditioned and this has built up.... but maybe, just maybe, you might like to explore thinking about a new job? Or career?? Or something that doesn't involve caregiving. It sounds like you have a lot on plate.
This is not advice to quit your job! It ain't that simple. But just think about what your job brings to your life besides a paycheck...
Start with these podcasts
It's not gonna solve things, but there's tons of food for thought on codependancy
We Can Do Hard Things - episode with Terri Cole and there's one with Melody Beattie (which is IMPERATIVE listening for those of us in these positions) and they refer to other episodes that they discuss codependancy. Also the episodes with Jennifer hattmaker are chefs kiss.
Make no mistake there's tons of food for thought in them and u will need time to digest but definitely do critical thinking.
I also dived into Melissa orlovs suggestions whenever she's been on a podcast and read Boundary Boss. Also a tough read but has tons of practical advice in it.
Thank you
Good thoughts. I listened to one just now.
In fact I have enjoyed my work. It’s been lifesaving since divorce. No matter how devastated I’ve felt privately, I’ve been able to go there, grab a positive attitude, and kill at caring and problem solving. Also there’s no time to think about anything private for the whole day. Work has let me forget, and feel good, and sometimes brilliant.
That’s why now, two years after divorce, it’s so disappointing to find work is making me ill, too.
I suck at life! Except for children and friends, I can’t balance it right. And I’m so alone, but can’t find a partner or additional social circles because of exhaustion and emotional mess.
At 50, it feels too late to start a new line of work. Am in the middle of a specialist education and have invested years into it, so quitting would be something new to grieve… Clinical work would essentially be just as stressful at another clinic. Stepping down professionally ie doing something less specific to my education would mean teenagers couldn’t do their extracurriculars anymore. It would also be hard for the frayed self esteem. I don’t know how to solve this. Hoping perhaps next time we talk, my boss can suggest something. Anyway, I’ll ask her what they actually expect from me, since it’s been unclear.
Thank you for your kindness.