I recently reviewed my journal, and I'm realizing that I've been in a consistent struggle to get some kind of favor from my ADHD wife in four years of marriage. She consistently abuses and oversteps our marriage by criticizing me and devaluing my contribution. She also makes up narratives where she is the victim to the "high standards" of simple marriage duties (like chores and spending time together). She is resistant to handling ADHD, even when I try to claim responsibility for my reaction to her symptoms.
And yet, she is sincere and remorseful when I point out the emotional abuse to her. Sadly, ADHD people don't seem to realize when they are hurtful, and I such it feels unfair to be resentful towards her.
I think I'm learning how to handle ADHD with her now that I can put a name to it. It's something I definitely never wished to have, and yet it's the reality.
Comments
I’m sorry
The ADHD person seems to often overlook their part of relationship dynamics entirely. Your standards will always be too high - meaning impossible and insulting to them. How you overwork to compensate for their dysfunction may make them feel ashamed, however since shame is something they need to avoid at all costs, they may make an alternative narrative that makes it go away.
The ADHD in itself and it’s importance may be denied. They in short want to view the world from their viewpoint and you, your neurotypical expectations, your exaggerated responsibilities, your stress and unhappiness, is proof of their dysfunction they don’t want to see.
I’ve been badly hurt by this, and I recommend caution. It’s no fun being used up as tissue for someone else’s needs and then discarded.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah I'm going to have to be more cautious.
I have been evaluating and
I've had probably 4 different arguments with my ADHD spouse in the recent weeks. All of them consisted of expressing frustration in the marriage on my part and her part.
I have been evaluating and thinking about my relationship. I realized that is rational to want to leave the relationship because of unwitting abuse. As well, the flip-flops of mood and energy is like getting an emotional whiplash.
So I told my partner that I think there are grounds for separation. My partner got emotional as I thought might happen.
I felt horrible. And then a random thought came to me that perhaps I have trauma responses to my partner. I reviewed my journal and I found how many whiplashes occurred in our marriage. It was depressing. I am thinking to go to therapy more. Simply put, I don't trust we'll have anything to rely on. I saw in my journal that I got hopeful at some semblance of a relationship starting then it would get dashed to pieces and I beat myself up for not being a good spouse.
And then my partner thinks we have made improvements. I don't doubt my partner's sincerity, but when I take our entire relationship as a whole, things were better when we were dating. So any progress now feels either a make up or no progress at all.
Trauma
Trauma caught up with me after we moved apart. I used to think he couldn’t hurt me. He always seemed like the weak one in our arguments. He’d be angry and shouting but what he said lacked logic and argumentation was weak to say the least.
Then when I was out, I discovered I had a sizable trauma. I’d been using reason as a way to steady and calm myself - he was obviously wrong, so I could feel secure in my logic. After, the lack of logic and consistency could no longer be dismissed. It was no longer his weakness, but the betrayal of our understanding and my emotions.
Trauma, I found, is real. I’m still struggling to handle it.