I recently reviewed my journal, and I'm realizing that I've been in a consistent struggle to get some kind of favor from my ADHD wife in four years of marriage. She consistently abuses and oversteps our marriage by criticizing me and devaluing my contribution. She also makes up narratives where she is the victim to the "high standards" of simple marriage duties (like chores and spending time together). She is resistant to handling ADHD, even when I try to claim responsibility for my reaction to her symptoms.
And yet, she is sincere and remorseful when I point out the emotional abuse to her. Sadly, ADHD people don't seem to realize when they are hurtful, and I such it feels unfair to be resentful towards her.
I think I'm learning how to handle ADHD with her now that I can put a name to it. It's something I definitely never wished to have, and yet it's the reality.
Comments
I’m sorry
The ADHD person seems to often overlook their part of relationship dynamics entirely. Your standards will always be too high - meaning impossible and insulting to them. How you overwork to compensate for their dysfunction may make them feel ashamed, however since shame is something they need to avoid at all costs, they may make an alternative narrative that makes it go away.
The ADHD in itself and it’s importance may be denied. They in short want to view the world from their viewpoint and you, your neurotypical expectations, your exaggerated responsibilities, your stress and unhappiness, is proof of their dysfunction they don’t want to see.
I’ve been badly hurt by this, and I recommend caution. It’s no fun being used up as tissue for someone else’s needs and then discarded.