My partner has undiagnosed Adhd and I love him very much. For the majority of the time things are good but some things are wearing me down and I don't feel i am being heard nor that any action is taken.
We have been together for nearly 3 years and at the start he was very vocal about his love and how he was desperate to move in and to marry me.
Now that we actually can, he seems to have unilaterally decided that he doesn't want to marry me anymore but no conversation has been had, no reasons provided...nothing. I tried several times to bring this up and discuss what is going on... he assures me that he loved me more than st the start and he is very present in my life but marriage for me is a non negotiable, I am.not prepared to spend years with someone who doesn't see me as marriage material. I want to have a proper conversation so I know what to do but everything it ends in no conversation and RSD triggered as he interprets it as me feeling he doesn't love me enough...how can I get to them bottom of this and actually sort it out? Thank you!
Comments
Keep your boundary
This is, in a way, simple. You only want the relationship if he wants to marry you.
Either he marries you, or he needs to stop wasting your time.
I’ve seen people (men) waste others’ fertile years, stringing them along but not committing. ADHD or not, this is selfish. Often women provide a lot of value to men, so there is a real risk of being exploited.
Since he doesn’t listen and behaves defensively, I’d say you need to be even more clear about your boundary. How about creating some distance? Not let him have access to your love, your care, intimacy with you, if he isn’t prepared to meet your very valid expectation.
I think that would be the best way to make him understand you.
imagine
Imagine that every difficult conversation you ever have with your husband goes like this. Imagine then that soon every conversation you have with him starts going like this too.
what has happened in terms of the marriage situation is that you’ve slipped from being his hyperfocus. His source of dopamine. It won’t come back. And the fact he decided against marriage without telling you will apply to other things too. Impulse buys. Career decisions. He’ll maybe even think you had the conversation, or say he thinks you did.
If you are sure you want to sign up for a lifetime of this, then in my experience the nuclear option is the only one that made an impact. Marriage or I’m off.
But if I had my time again, I’d choose myself the second option, and be gone.
I hope you get what you need. I really wish you well. X
Muse
From the male perspective, my X ( ADHD female ) was a Muse. In classic Greek mythology and literature, the Muse archetype, serves as an Artist inspiration and sometimes is an artist herself.
She most definitely inspired me to be a better person in a number of ways. I cannot dismiss the fact that, that I was forced to find the best parts of myself and bring them forward in the face of this challenge.
Having said that, she was NOT marriage material even tho I asked her to be my wife. Some people come into your life to teach you things, others are meant to stay.
As a verb...the idea "to muse" is to think about something deeply, carefully, or in a dreamy, absent-minded way. That's not what I wanted, but if it was, she would have been perfect.