Since I just mentioned the trauma bond and my X's coolness...or "lack or warmth" in our latest text messages, I was surprised when she contacted me to come get some mail of mine, and return a few items I grabbed of hers by mistake. I wrestled with whether I should bother returning the items but decided it was the right thing to do....in keeping true to myself if anything.
Earlier...she had said she'd just leave the mail under the mat to come get while she was at work so the invite to come when she was home was already a change. Noted.
When I arrived, she invited me in and told me to take my shoes off ( and stay a while ). Her demeanor was warm and open ( not flirtatious) but more, a return to the person that I originally met who seemed interested in what I had to say. I even caught her checking me out....giving me "the look over" that I recognized from times gone by.
This was a complete turn around from the person I left only months before....the one who couldn't wait to throw me out the door. This was the warm, engaged and very attractive version of her, that I met when I first arrived.
And even after I left...she sent me a recipe I asked her for...and told me she thought I looked really good. I cannot even remember the last time she said that she thought I looked "good" to her.
This is the place in my past ...where I might have gone ...."maybe she's changed?...maybe there's still a chance? ".....but that's simply not reality.
In reality....this is just the final stage of the pattern or cycle. Where there's been enough distance...long enough .....for her to feel again. I could feel her feelings towards me...but my expectations are now different.
I don't expect they would last...in fact...as soon as Iwould engage or moved towards her...I'd expect her to become move away from me ( again ) no matter how warm she is now.
It's the same pattern....just a different stage in the cycle or loop. Nothing has changed...and I wouldn't expect anything different from her. The fact that I didn't engage or showed signs that I wanted more....is the only reason this happened. The dynamic woukd reset and start again....as soon as I would respond to her warmth and attraction. Not only would I become heart broken again...it'd probably be worse this next time around ! Especially now, when it's been so long since this side of her has emerged again. I can easily pass...knowing what is most likely to occur.
As side note I found interesting. She told me just last week...she experienced extreme panic attacks one evening by herself. Each one became worse so she called her son...who had her mother in law come over and take her to an urgent care center. Her doctor, the next day....told her to go to the emergency room if it happens again...so they can run tests on her while it's happening. This is nothing I want for her in anyway. Panic attacks suck....but this time....I wasn't around to blamed for this major episode of emotional dysregulation.
No...symptom, response, response this time......no one else around to be blamed for her unstable emotional state. That includes me!
It's also where I want to keep it! Right where it is! I'm no longer responsible for her emotional upheaval....it's no longer my job to make it all better.
J
