Forum topic: Navigating a New Diagnosis and Impact on Marriage

Those are hard times your family has had and is having. 

Consistency I believe is the thing that may save your marriage. If you can sustain your new healthy habits for many months, your wife will see there is now a new chapter. 

I also think she probably has exhausted herself to a point where she doesn’t have much to add to anything. I did after 20 years of undiagnosed severe ADD husband and with three schoolchildren. Even when one lets go of bitterness (accepting that ADD partner didn’t know, couldn’t do better at the time, a certain blindness to partner’s hurt is in itself an ADHD symptom), this exhaustion can be very limiting.

Please try to be gentle with yourself. You sound like you’re really doing everything possible to improve family life. Your condition is not a choice. 

My ex husband was so devastated about his shortcomings, he was convinced I didn’t love him. But I did. If he’d given me half a chance, I would’ve stayed. 

In your situation, I think showing your love and commitment consistently, and trying not to panic, could be the best way forward. 

I’m hoping for the very best for you. 

You could be my ex. I could be your wife. I lived through this, from her point of view. It's so sad. I feel for you, both of you. I'm almost crying here.

I concur again with Swedish, that consistency is the best thing you can offer her now. Stick with it. Show up for her. Keep showing up for her. Be consistent, kind, and caring. Be present. 

After 25 years with someone with extreme inattentive ADHD, I don't think of it so much as insulin, or a broken leg. I think of it more a limitation on perception. Like needing glasses, but you didn't know you needed glasses. Now you know, you can wear the glasses, correct your vision, see what's going on around you, notice what she needs, and what needs doing. 

Wear the glasses. See her. Let her know that you see her. 

Good luck. 

There's a phrase in my head about my relationship with my ex, and my ex himself, that kind of defines why we couldn't fix things: 'the problem was never the problem, the problem was that he would never admit there was a problem.' He was also a master of DARVO, which was incredibly corrosive. So even when he got the ADHD diagnosis his response was that the problem was me because I was particularly bad at dealing with ADHD. 

This is not you. You see the problem now. But your wife has been carrying so much and been so lonely for so long, and so unseen and unheard. Sharing chores and coparenting matters, but it goes way beyond this. When he was finally trying to 'fix things', I had to keep telling my ex that I was not the laundry, not the house. She needs your efforts herself. As a person, as a partner; if she is anything at all like me, she needs to feel loved. For me, this would be you being really thoughtful, really kind. She will need your full attention. The attention you probably had for her in those first years when she was your hyperfixation. That's who she thought you were: that guy. If you can be that guy again, she might well be delighted to have that back, and be happy with you again.  

Having been through everything you're saying, and also only recently ( in the past few years ) discovered that I also developed CPTSD from my childhood experienced long ago, the single most beneficial practice thar has helped me is Buddhism.  It's NOT a religion even though some treat it as such. As a philosophy or practice to live by.....as a mental grounding practice, it has had real world positive effects on my own healing process. Realizing, I had to heal first, before I could be a good partner to anyone else was the first step to understand how it could be for anyone else,  especially in relationships with people that I love. 

I'm not the type person who goes around trying to get others to follow my belief system, or try to tell them the right way to think, or at least, I try not to. I can say for me, this practice or methodology has helped me greatly.

Dr Rumani has been brought up here, as an expert in Narcissim. I don't want to talk about NPD, or even Christianity and practicing  forgiveness, but I listened to her yesterday talking about how there are some people her life she simply cannot forgive, ever. 

I hear her, and I understand what she's saying. I understand it very well myself so she's absolutely allowed to feel the way she does. 

For me, I simply couldn't not move on holding these feelings anymore. The time had come for me to find another way than carrying these feelings around with me like extra baggage and weight. The simple notion that you just "forgive" IS a very simple notion. It requires more than simply forgiving, as I myself was taught.  It's the ability to forgive and let go that I didn't have. And maybe for Dr Rumani, this works for her...it simply doesn't work for me.

You need to consider that how she feels NOW is the way you have possibly felt in the PAST,  right NOW. 

I just read this yesterday in fact. I read these Buddist philosophy teachings daily. They definitely help me heal, so I can be that "better person" to being to the table.  I agree with what both Swedish and Honestly said, about carrying things around inside you. I also agree with the idea of "consistency" which I also found works across the board in everything I do. It's not just, being consistent at home for her.  It's being consiatent in everything you do as a practice. For yourself, most of all. It's a skill you develope over time. The more you practice it, the better you become.

HOW TO LET GO OF THE PAST?
   WONDERFULLY ANSWERED BY A WISE MONK

A man once asked a wise monk:

“No matter how hard I try,
I cannot stop thinking about my past.
The mistakes, heartbreaks, regrets, and memories still follow me everywhere.
How do I finally let go?”

The monk looked at him quietly and asked:

“If you keep carrying a dead tree branch on your shoulders for years…
who becomes tired?”

The man replied,
“I do.”

The monk nodded gently.

“The past is the same.
Some memories hurt not because they still exist…
but because you continue carrying them every day.”

The man lowered his head.

“But some things were painful,” he whispered.
“I was betrayed. I failed. I lost people I loved.”

The monk replied softly:

“Yes.
And pretending the pain never happened is not healing either.

But there is a difference between remembering the past…
and living inside it.”

The man became silent.

The monk continued:

“Many people unknowingly build homes inside old pain.
They replay conversations.
Relive mistakes.
Imagine different endings.
And slowly allow yesterday to steal today.”

The man asked quietly,
“So how do I become free?”

The monk smiled gently and pointed toward a river flowing beside the temple.

“Look at the river.
It keeps moving forward.
It does not stop flowing because leaves fall into it.

Life is asking you to move too.”

Tears filled the man’s eyes.

“But what if I cannot forget?”

The monk shook his head softly.

“You are not meant to erase the past.
You are meant to stop bleeding from it.”

Then he added:

“In Buddhism, suffering grows when we cling tightly to what life has already changed.
Peace begins the moment acceptance enters the heart.”

The monk smiled one final time and said:

“The past should become wisdom…
not a prison.”

• 5 WAYS TO LET GO OF THE PAST:

1. Stop replaying painful memories every day
  What the mind repeatedly revisits emotionally continues to stay alive.

2. Forgive yourself for who you were during painful seasons
  You were learning, surviving, and hurting at the same time.

3. Accept that some people will never apologize or understand your pain
  Healing cannot depend on someone else’s awareness.

4. Focus your energy on the life happening now
  The present moment is where peace, growth, and healing actually exist.

5. Allow yourself to move forward without guilt
  You are allowed to heal.
  You are allowed to smile again.
  And you are allowed to become free from what once hurt you deeply.

#buddhism 
#letgo 
#personalgrowth #healing

Before I say even one word, I need to say up front, this is related to the topic at hand,  when talking about the past and why I have so much trouble just "letting it go". And why I can't do #1 in the list of things to help you do this. This involves the "replaying painful memories" in your head.

This involves this "thing " I have. The blessing and a curse thing called " autobiographical scene memory" which I've only really recently discovered exactly what to call it? I know I have it, because I can't stop having it! I've always had it, and I will never stop having it.  It's not something that just goes away and it happens whether I want it to or not.  

The difference, however, is it just registers anything I witness. I have to witness it, I can't read it from a book ( imagery or imagination ). It's my brain just reconstructing an actual "image" that I've seen or witnessed in real life like a movie camera or photo ( not photograph memory exactly ) but kind of.

This is how my mind works. I can't tell you, I have to show you. And yes, it's still ADHD related. Patience is required.  I also suspect ...this is where it may feel like a "lecture". I'm not trying to lecture as much as showing how connections are made...showing not lecturing. I'm not trying to teach anyone how because,  as I've learned...I'm more unusual this way and it's not something you teach someone anyway. No one taught me, it just happens. I didn't learn to do it...it's just always been there.  

So the other day ( here on this forum ) I said something in a very specific way, in a very specific moment in trying to convey something that was irritating to me. The "Hangry" topic. It was wording, how I said it, the order in which I said it" that flowed naturally from my head onto to paper. It just keeps replaying over and over because there was something very familiar to me...something I recognized...something like...I've heard this before? Where did I hear this? And then I realized where I'd heard it. It was scene in a movie...as part of the "script".  But I wasn't copying the script or scene as much as using my "own words" ?? So how is it, that my words are showing up in a movie script? But it doesn't end there. In the movie scene, there are two characters. And I'm realizing, the other character in the scene is also talking like I do? Both characters are talking like I talk especially I'm my head ? So I realized....whoever it was who wrote that script for this movie scene...has got to have something in common with me?? This is not about the movie scene...it's about "who wrote the script" for this movie scene. Then I remembered who directed this movie...and also wrote most of the script. Then I rembered why I thought it was so funny. Again, this scene memory works for everything: pain, humor, sadness, joy...it's all emotions and feelings...not just painful ones but yes, painful ones are still in there. There is no bias in other words.  It's just gets recorded...as is.

So now I'm going...this person has got to have ADHD. This script is just too close to the one I have running in my head. I almost don't even have to look ( I haven't looked )...but I'll lay money on it. This script writer almost undoubtedly, has ADHD too. Plus...he was part of one of my all time favorite comedy troupes ...who I also suspect...some of them have got to have ADHD too. I don't know that either...but I'm betting they have. It's the script...is what I'm saying. And I'm also saying, I can't stop this from happening which us why trying to tell me to stop "replaying....anything! " is kind of like saying...."stop eating". That really doesn't work.

So the other day...I was expressing myself about this moment when I was being accused of being "hangry" by my X. 

And I said " WTF are you talking about ? Hangry?? WTF does that even mean? "  That was the cue. I was going, that just sounds so familiar to me? And then I rembered the scene. And then I rembered the other character in the scene ...and his script line in response.  And that sounded just like me too? ( in my head ).

So clearly,  this script writer and I have something in common right? You'd think?

So now, I can just tell you what scene this is...and show you what I mean. This isn't about the story.  And it isn't about the actors..it's the script the actors are using ...and the person who wrote the script more importantly.

And again, I can't make this stop so...whether it's a scene in a movie or in real life...if I witness it ( and hear the script )...once it goes in my scene memory...it'll replay randomly forever. Telling me to just let it go or to stop rembering is nearly impossible for me to do.

One last thing. You have to keep I'm mind. The script writer is actually trying to recreate characters from a semi-autobiographical book. Highly embellished ( creatively ) but yet ..roughly based on actual events the the REAL writer of the book, had in his own experience.  And the original writer of the book, also was an extremely eccentric fellow. I read the book to in college. It was one of my favorites. So both...the real writer of the original book...and the movie script writer had ...what I think...a lot in common too. As well as myself.  I'm a bit like both so I recognize both scripts ...one in book form, and one in movie form.  But it was the movie script that clued me in.

Any resemblance to these characters in the scene and  myself is strictly coincidently to be sure....but again, I cannot help but think that the movie script writer himself ...knowing everything I know about him too...must have ADHD himself since it would be exactly how I would write these characters ...if I wrote this scene.

Look up: YouTube. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: Elevator scene

Just a quick note in case anyone who looked up the video scene I referred to. Johhny Depp made a reference to the "Vincent Black Shadow Factory Team" they rode for. It's a highly collectable British motorcycle built in the late 40's. It's a big heavy road bike...not a motocross style desert off road bike. They're  worth a small fortune because so few of them were made. There is no "Factory Racing Team", and that line was not in the book. My favorite line in that entire scene...just in case you missed it. 

last night.  Actually, it wasn't a dream as much as that half awake state, when your eyes are still closed but your brain in just turning on, which is when I'll get these great thoughts or ideas that just pop into my head. It's that time when you're the most clear headed before all those other thoughts and ideas of what your suppose to do that day, actually flood my brain. 

And if I had any thoughts or ideas, otherwise about what I should be doing right now, or people trying to tell me what to do, it was like note to self: "keep doing exactly what your doing, don't change a thing."

adkADHD29, I'm not one to give advise but it does sound like you're doing about everything you can do already. I can't think of much more you can do? IDK ? Unless she's telling you to leave ( and going to get an apartment somewhere ) if it were me, I'd just keep doing what you're doing, and give her the chance to see that you mean what you say?  You know, like putting you're money where you're mouth is kind of thing...and just allowing her the chance to trust that it's real ? That it's actually going to continue, despite anything else that's happening?

For me, I'm on my own path right now and everyone's trying to get me to do something different. Trying to get me to go other places and do other things. In my heart of hearts, that's NOT what's it's telling me to do. And that message to myself was saying the same thing.  IDK? Why change horses in the middle of the stream? I'm not in a relationship, but, I'd say the same thing to you. Just keep doing it and don't stop doing it.

Best advise I've got ?

J

Coming back here for show and tell. I loved show and tell as a kid at school. One of my favorite! Lol

I thought, sharing my thoughts and showing ( anyone reading this ). And specifically, this is not what most anyone has to do, but I do, in my current situation.

I thought about labeling ( titling ) this comment a number of different things but I decided just to show you something instead  Again, I had no intention of creating a whole discussion topic based on the "one scene" from a movie and book I read, but just revisiting it again brought up something that I currently have to do. It's almost mandatory for me to become an expert in spotting a dangerous situation for my own safety. I "have to" identity a situation or person that tells me....it's time to move. ( like right now ).

Because my current address is "general delivery" because my current living situation is in "the general public". I live and sleep at night surrounded by the "general public" which is what literally no one I know ( except myself ) is: doing, has done, will do or will ever have to do in the sense I'm doing. I mean, I don't use "shelters" in other words so I'm completely unsheltered.  The same as backpacking...you live in the wilderness. 

But I also live "in town" too. I do both...alternating between the two. So I have to determine when someone is possibly, not someone I want to mess with or being around. There are very, very, very...few people like this and I haven't run into even one. And I almost never do. That's one talking point I wanted to say. You think about doing something...and it scares you to think about all the things that there can go wrong or hurt you. And then once your actually there doing it, you finds its not all that scary and it's really not all that frightening. I've gone thru this process so many times in my life...that I just take it for granted now...that what I think it's going to be like, is actually, not what it's really like when you get there. This is no different...I haven't run into anything that really terrifies me or makes me even the least bit nervous. I have not run into anyone ( not even one ) in the general public that has made me truly afraid.  Yet...I know there are an extremely small percentage of those out there, who are truly terrifying...and those are the people I need to identify and label for myself. 

And this is WHY....labeling people with inaccurate words is not a good practice. Calling everyone you don't like a Narcissist as a loosely defined label is not a good idea in general practice. There really aren't that many "purely " Narcissist people out there...but there are plenty of people who act that way at times.  Lots of those. But calling all those poeple a Narcissist as a practice is not really helpful. It's not really helpful but it's good to be able to spot the traits. Traits don't necessarily make a Narcissist..but enough of those traits and that person is at the very least ..a difficult person to deal with in a general way.

But right now for me....anyone in that category is not my concern. I'm not "in a relationship " with anyone...but...I am in he general public at large. My one and only concern is a person like the one portrayed ( brilliantly ) in the video  shared.  It caused me to remember reading the book with real life characters like the one in question. And in the book...there was one chapter about an event that happened that was truly terrifyingly.  It terrified me when I read the book. In fact, it stood out on my mind as a case study in evil. It's why I came back here to share my thoughts and show you what I mean. There's really only one type of person roaming around in the general public that concerns me. This is also why I tell poeple, not to flip people off while driving down the road or yell at them out the window, or get  confrontational with people in stores etc. But especially driving down the road. You don't know...just by looking at someone...if they're this "one type" of person. You just don't know...by looking at them. It's a bad practice no matter what.

But I have to know, or at least,  try and determine which ones they are. And I have to know when to keep my mouth shut ...or when to run. There are so, so, so few of these people out there. But they are out there. I've met them before. I've come I'm contact with them. And I can tell you...it sends icy cold shivers down my spine. When I get that feeling about someone....it's simply time to quietly move on and say nothing. Best not to. Flipping them off on the road...will undoubtedly trigger a response that you don't want.

This is what I have to do right now. I'm not really afraid of them bothering me, because I'm not part of their agenda. I'm not a target...unless I make myself one. That's how I keep myself safe out in the general public. I don't give these people a reason to mess wurh me and they don't. 

But I still have to spot them, and know which ones they are. In essence, I have to identify them and give them some kind of label to differentiate them from everyone else.  I have yet....to run into one of these poeple even once. Not just now, but the entire time I've been here in the last 4 years. I don't where they go. I don't have to deal with them in general at all so I'm not worried. But I still "have to" spot them...to know who they are? If that makes sense.

I was thinking about this scene...as my show and tell. I remember it from the book and it's truly terrifying. This man, who was a "real life" man, is portrayed brilliantly by Benicio Del Toro in the movie. I consider him a fine actor because he embodies this real life man better than anyone I could think of. And Ellen Barkin is on par with Benicio Del Toro as a fine actor. One of my favorites too. I was thinking..this is a master class in terror. This is why...throwing labels out is a bad idea. 

There are very, very very few poeple like this out there. But they are out there...which is why...randomly flipping off poeple who cut you off driving is a really, really, REALLY!!!  bad idea. You can't tell just by looking at them. That's the point. 

I'll show you what I mean.

Look up. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: Dr Gonzo Loses Control at the Diner

 I could label this scene a number of things.

• Master Class in Terror
• How to spot a Psychoath 

• Northstar Coffee Lounge ( from the book ) Pychlogical Terrorist 

  The list could on but. When you think about someone losing control, having an RSD emotional frenzy, people losing their temper or any kind of emotional outbursts especially if they're in front of you or talking to you and you label them a "Psychopath" for what ever reason.

  Those people I'm not concerned with at all. Those people don't scare me. THIS...is the only person I'm concerned with. This person terrifies me. It's he only one out of anyone in the general public that actually terrifies me the the only one I in reality that I need to label for my own self protection.

  I could also label this scene the personification of evil. They all fit precisely well. But THIS...is why I don't flip people off on the freeway for cutting me off. I can't tell just by looking at someone but I'm getting better at reading them to which which ones they are. If in doubt...I'm out a there.