Hi all,
New to the forum and newly diagnosed male in my 40's with a wife and 3 kids. Married 18 years, together 22. Unknown to me until recently, ADHD has been having a significant impact on my marriage, to the point where my wife and I are nearing separation and it's hard for her to see a way back to reconciliation. I was doing all of the ADHD things for so long without realizing (hyperfocus on work, not prioritizing her needs/wants/load sharing, RSD, saying impulsive hurtful things I didn't realize I was saying/mean to say, executive dysfunction when it came to prioritizing spousal/family/work needs, low frustration tolerance, temper, etc.). I couldn't schedule date nights or get babysitters or plan well enough for birthdays. All of it. Everything was exacerbated by an extended (2 year long) bout of severe depression, high anxiety and just trying to function due to a cancer diagnosis in my wife, job changes, moves across the state, etc. She felt like a roommate with someone who didn't care about her. I, through my hyperfocus on work and other things I thought I was doing well, thought I was a model husband and parent, and was shellshocked when my wife approached me about separating. So, I saw my doctor, went to therapy, went to couples therapy, started medication, started exercising more, started eating better. I feel like all of these things have helped me to function better. I was able to be more of the spouse my wife needed me to be. But when she saw I could do all the things (stay home from work with a sick kid, do all the laundry in the house/clean all the bathrooms/make meals (thanks adderall!) etc., she got even angrier knowing that I "can" do it, but that she wasn't worth me doing it before until she threatened separation. I felt terrible, because I thought I was trying, was working hard, was providing, was showing up, was supporting her. Apparently, it was not in the right spaces. So no she is bitter and angry. I have apologized a lot and have told her how much I regret not knowing what was going on inside my brain and how much I wish I had a time machine to change it, but now that I know and am being treated and am healthier, I can be that person going forward. I gave her the "it's like telling a diabetic to make more insulin" or "it's like telling a person with a broken foot to walk better" analogies, but they don't land, because she still sees so much of what happened as a choice and as her not being worth it before, but it is not that. I love her so much and don't ever want her to feel that way, and I am committed to working on myself, giving her space, continuing treatment and proving to her that it is sustainable, there can be success stories and ADHD/non-ADHD marriages can work. I don't know what else to do. I have stopped trying to convince her or show her the good things we've been through. It all doesn't land and seems like pressure to her.... Not sure where to go from here or what other communication tactics or avenues I am not trying. I think a little more space moving into an apartment temporarily and coparenting) might help, but I don't want to lose her and want to keep our family intact....
Comments
So sorry
Those are hard times your family has had and is having.
Consistency I believe is the thing that may save your marriage. If you can sustain your new healthy habits for many months, your wife will see there is now a new chapter.
I also think she probably has exhausted herself to a point where she doesn’t have much to add to anything. I did after 20 years of undiagnosed severe ADD husband and with three schoolchildren. Even when one lets go of bitterness (accepting that ADD partner didn’t know, couldn’t do better at the time, a certain blindness to partner’s hurt is in itself an ADHD symptom), this exhaustion can be very limiting.
Please try to be gentle with yourself. You sound like you’re really doing everything possible to improve family life. Your condition is not a choice.
My ex husband was so devastated about his shortcomings, he was convinced I didn’t love him. But I did. If he’d given me half a chance, I would’ve stayed.
In your situation, I think showing your love and commitment consistently, and trying not to panic, could be the best way forward.
I’m hoping for the very best for you.
I really feel for you both
You could be my ex. I could be your wife. I lived through this, from her point of view. It's so sad. I feel for you, both of you. I'm almost crying here.
I concur again with Swedish, that consistency is the best thing you can offer her now. Stick with it. Show up for her. Keep showing up for her. Be consistent, kind, and caring. Be present.
After 25 years with someone with extreme inattentive ADHD, I don't think of it so much as insulin, or a broken leg. I think of it more a limitation on perception. Like needing glasses, but you didn't know you needed glasses. Now you know, you can wear the glasses, correct your vision, see what's going on around you, notice what she needs, and what needs doing.
Wear the glasses. See her. Let her know that you see her.
Good luck.