Six days out from leaving so I'm still living here....
But I'm no longer living inside "the systems emotional field". To be clear...I feel closure and resolution now...it's okay for me to leave....most of my immediate grieving is done. I'm going toward something not trying to get away. That's the litmus test I've been following. It's time for me to leave.
With that, I have clarity, that I didn't have before. Moving forward...and leaving a system that is existentially bad for me...on a number of levels.
When I first came back to this forum in search of answers...it was mentioned once in passing..."I noticed you used the word "resistance ".
Now I cam say what that is.
Resistance = My life force saying no. Stop right here - the system isn't safe anymore.
That's not defiance. That's self protection. And because of that very thing...I didn't lose myself. It's differentiated me ( my identity and who I am ) from something that is hurting me.
I'm claiming integrity vs dissolution. My life force is integrity...and probably a whole lot of grit.
I'll take ownership of that much. It's always been that way for me.
J
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Understanding
I have that too.
"Existential understanding is the philosophical awareness that individuals are born without a pre-defined purpose ("existence precedes essence") and are entirely responsible for creating their own meaning, values, and identity through free choices. It involves accepting the "absurd"—a world lacking inherent meaning—and living authentically by embracing personal freedom and responsibility."
Understanding ( a little humor )
YouTube :Understanding - Time Bandits