This morning…
I forgot to set my alarm.
Miraculously got breakfast and lunch done and hugged the kids goodbye.
He comes home from drop off and I’m still in my pjs (no pants) as he’s talking to me about drop off and then invites the construction people into my bedroom because he just thought maybe they can fix our closet too. I say gently I have no pants on and he throws a blanket over me and laughs as the construction people walk past me.
The people leave and he comes back laughing saying, “Did you like how I threw a blanket at you?” I reply “I’m having a hard time now and I’m really trying not to get sucked into your whirlwind.
He leaves and starts raiding the kitchen and eats an entire container of hummus. I come to the kitchen to do the grocery list and he starts to tell me how I was very unkind with the words I chose and he’s really hurt and I should use nicer words.
He leaves to take the trash out and comes back and I should have not apologized. I should have said noted sorry impact did not match intent and instead I apologized.
And then I acknowledged and gave him appreciation for all the things he listed he does including:
waking up early
driving kids to school
calling construction to fix the door that has been broken for 3 years to finally come
put up the shower rod that the kids have been asking for the last 3 years
sweeping the floor
He then starts explaining how he was just trying for a “bid of attention and connection” by throwing the blanket at me and that he doesn’t need praise as he’s just doing his job.
And I said thanks for sharing I had no idea that you think of this as a job, family and home stuff and I didn’t know this was a bid for attention. This is information.
And he said I’m taking things negatively. And that’s when I should have said what the what. You took what I said negatively and I’m supposed to hear how I am unkind and hurt you and apologize and then I can’t take his statement that family and home stuff is a job negatively?
Instead I called him out saying he’s feeling uneasy and he’s looking for me to regulate him and he went into immediate defense that he’s not dysregulate, he’s fine and just that his words hit like daggers.
I should have just kept my mouth shut and said to myself, this is his toilet not mine. I had every right to tell him, listen dude I don’t need to live in your world of by the seat of our pants whenever things come up without thinking of repercussions to others. I should have said, hey, lots of moving parts now, I’m stepping back for myself. No need to share your whirlwind is your whirlwind.
