Growing up, I was taught to work hard, give to others and expect nothing in return. Having faulty, meaning any, expectations on others was shameful. Also, I was taught it was wrong to sacrifice for others. Becoming bitter was my responsibility to avoid, since it made a person unattractive.
Come to think of it, my upbringing was full of contradictory rules for how to be a person or a woman.
When I sought emotional support as a child and as a young adult and also as an adult, response was equally confusing. They would sometimes outright deny my experiences and invalidate emotions. They would mistrust my recollections of events, and my impression of other people’s intentions.
I’ve spent my life trying to excessively explain myself to them in hopes of being understood and validated. Mostly they were supportive. But every so often their criticism would come out, unexpected, impossible to avoid.
And then there was the ADD marriage, the craziest mind destabilization I’ve ever experienced. They couldn’t relate to that, so gave many comments about how I disappointed them. Like that I’d become such a perfectionist all of a sudden. Or that I was unreasonably critical of other people. Or that I spoke about myself needing things, when a person is supposed to give with no expectation of receiving. This all while my then husband was deep in depression and pathological passivity, I was suffering burnout, repetitive RSD episodes from husband, had three children and demanding work, barely functioning. But they expressed little concern.
I think now, when I’ve temporarily paused initiatives with the family, things are becoming more clear.
They’ve been terrible. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. They’ve silently put a lot of expectations on me (like to meet their needs without prompting, like taking all initiatives, like doing everything on their terms and the way they prefer) but denying me a right to ask decency in interactions with people in general. Not to mention in that wildly unequal marriage. They didn’t show me I needed to set boundaries in life. Rather they implied I should endure whatever came my way. To protect career, social standing, whatever seemed more important to them than my wellbeing.
Am feeling now those former caregivers of mine are practically blind to anything beyond their own experiences, emotionally immature, dysfunctional, rigid or a combination of these things. And I’m finding it hard to do anything in the relationship with them.
I feel my worth is less than everybody else’s (including ex husband) in their eyes. They deny this completely, they say they love me, and I believe it. But there it is. I feel like shit around them. At this point so weary and helpless I mostly just avoid them.
Why does one accept these things? Why didn’t I overthrow this dynamic decades ago?
Perhaps because family of origin was the most stable social network I had when husband was ill and we were socially cut off for a decade and a half.
Does anybody else share a similar experience with family of origin in combination with a destructive ADHD marriage? How did you handle it?
