Site features

Over the past few months, I have been responding to comments and adding some features to this site.  A few weeks ago, one of our users suggested a pure date-driven sort of the comments to a blog post.  I added the user-configurable ability to sort comments by date, and have them display flat or nested (comments replying to other comments rather than the main post are listed directly below the comment to which the user is replying).

Others have been asking where to start, or what are the most helpful posts, since there the amount of content has grown to a substantial volume, thanks to all of you who have participated and contributed.  So today, I added user ratings for blog posts (see the five stars and the link "rate" under each post - but not rating of other's comments - yet), so that the most useful blog entries can be bubbled up to the top (I will add the list to the right column, once we have enough votes), as another starting point for new members of this site.

I also added the ability to subscribe, via email, to individual posts, comments, or topics.  However, I took it off after Melissa suggested that it was too complicated (for her ;-) ).  What do you think?

In any case, if others of you have suggestions, let me know, and I will try to implement them for you, to make this site more useful to all of you.  As an aside, I just completed a major technology upgrade to the site today (happy labor day), so many of these changes should be a bit easier to implement.

Post your suggestions as comments to this forum post.

 

George

Ad Friend's picture

ability to subscribe, etc.

==> as a tech savvy person i appreciate the ability to subscribe via email, to individual posts, comments, or topics...but can certainly figure it out on my own if necessary. the search box certainly has been very helpful to me, would a site map possibly be helpful to others? not certain as to how it was originally set-up before it was taken off, a one click "subscribe here" after a post, or topic would certainly be simple enough (but i may be biased). ==> if i recall correctly, the first-time i happened upon this forum not too long ago, a newbie preferred not to "be found" by her ADD partner lurking on this and similar forums on the subject of ADD. she, the non-ADHD partner, wanted exactly that: the ability to subscribe via email, to individual posts, comments, or topics. she even suggested a facebook "add as friend"....to connect with those in a similar situation. (it doesn't seem like the OP has returned since that entry.) ==> i do recall an entry by melissa, that gave a poster a step-by-step on how to use this forum. perhaps, you as the ADHD partner can write your own step-by-step (from your perspective) perhaps a FAQs section with a How-To subsection? i've learned that if i gave DH a simple list (limited between 5 to 7 items), he was more likely to complete a majority of them. ==> OTOH, i'd like to thank you for your post "enlightened"??? and melissa's "The Care and Feeding of a Non-ADD Spouse". you continue to be an inspiration to those of us in marriages/ relationships between non-ADHD partners and ADHD'ers.

subscription

I'd really like to be able to subscribe to follow responses to a topic, since I tend to forget to check web sites daily.

Subscriptions

Melissa and I are working on a simple subscription process, so that you can subscribe via email to specific new content related to either a forum topic or responses to a particular blog post or even a response to a comment.  The one I originally installed provided too many options (could subscribe to about anything on the site), so Melissa has asked me to simplify it a bit.

Lynn55's picture

Couples Group

My ADHD hubby and I live in southern Maine.  We are in need of couples therapy to help organize our life and deal with the stresses of my hubby's issues.  Your class in June sounded like something we could use.  Do you have any plans to do this again?  Are there any life coaches in this area to help my husband?  HELP!

Tired of doing all the marriage work

I have read all of the comments and have identified with all: no sex, finances, forgetfulness, broken promises, lateness, quick temper, rage, "politics of bedtime" (written by M. Orliv), "everyone loves him on the outside", and I am perceived as a "control freak, a nag, unaccepting,. I have read all of Dr. Hallowell's books and have been dealing with these issues for the past 11 years (married for 14). The successes include my husband getting his own savings account with direct deposit from his paycheck every 2 weeks. This took 2 years to implement, but it stopped the stress from his forgetting to tell me about ATM withdrawals. Another success was Adderall XR which stopped him from repetitive forgetting about appointments, but now it is nothing more than a placebo. My husband has also stopped being repetitively late because initially he did not like his new boss at a previous position, so he didn't stick around his job, but more recently, he changed jobs altogether and it is now closer to home. My motive for mentioning the reason for improvement is that it had nothing to do with my requests.

I have made all of the counseling appointments throughout the years, I have read all of the books, I have bought the tickets for the marriage seminars, etc., etc., and we are now at another impasse where I am at a loss for words and motivation. There is never any conflict resolution: there is the blowup, silence, my distance, my husband pretending that everything is okay, and then his blaming me for not getting over it quickly. My husband is quick to apologize for his tantrums but no movement forward. My husband seems to be stuck in the idea that if he actually recognizes his ADD, or actually reads this website or anything else that he will admit something is wrong with him instead of blaming me.  In reality, I have nagged him about keeping appointments for his health.

I am soooooo tired of watching my approach, no conflict resolution, taking care of business, no connection physically or emotionally, listening to him talk endlessly. My husband knows more about the behavior of the white tail deer than he ever did about our marriage. Since we have both been married before, I believed him when he told my about previous marital lonliness and his desire to make his marriage first. In fact, he still says that today with absolutely no behavior in that direction. It really is delusional!!

I have adapted and adapted. I am the 'b....' that I have read in the blogs. I understand the writers and how they got that way. I could write endlessly about the most recent tantrum, but everyone on this website already knows. My husband is a great worker and is fabulous on the outside.... I can't stand him and yet, I don't want to leave him. I don't have much hope, but I certainly don't want to turn out to be one of those cynical, bitter women who hate their husbands and have forgotten why because the anger has been there for so long. I cannot read another marriage book. But, I am so tired of being taken for granted and listening to his b.s. I wish I could just disappear. Oh yes, did I mention that I have been the initiator for sex for years, and most recently it has been since April 08. My husband always says "let's go", but has forgotten that I need some initiation also. He has made false starts on coming to bed or creating a date night, but they always stop before they really begin.

Even in counseling sessions, my husband has made great statements about change, and not one has been forthcoming. He doesn't believe in his own ADD, until I mention not taking Adderall. I don't even believe that if I walked out the door, he would follow me. I think he would blame me, and move on. Sad state of affairs. He tells me loves me on the phone or in a note almost daily, but never face to face or in behavior.

Thanks for listening. I am even willing to fly to Boston to meet with Dr. Hallowell in person. Any counseling events coming up?

 

 

re: tired...marriage work

Wow I could have written this.  Its the same in my marriage except my husband never, ever, ever apologizes for anything (and he gets vicious believe me).  He starts the fights 99% of the time and then blames me for making him get so mad.  Shame on me for making him so angry all the time.  I must be an awful person. It never stops amazing me how he can yell at me one minute and then literally the next minute ask if I want to go to the movies!  Unreal.

He tells me that he loves me all the time, but his behaviors tell me that its more like he hates me.  He has a distorted view of just how things are.  He actually said last night that he thinks our marriage is 50/50!  Its more like me98/him2.  I too want to leave but doubt he would even care.  He probably wouldn't even notice I was gone until he was  hungry or ran out of clean underwear!  If I left he would just probably shrug it off like he does every other thing in his life.  He knows that I am not happy yet does nothing to help improve the situation.  I spell out what I need from him very clearly like our counselor told me to do also.  It falls on deaf ears.  I am really confused now as to what to do next. 

Keep talking/writing pward...its what keeps us all sane!

 

Is this what I have to look forward to?

My husband and I just sought conseling. Married 14 years ,4 children. At least the last 3 have been spiraling out of my control. our initial counselor has refered him for evaluation she suspects ADD. I dont need to wait out the week for the diagnosis, these blogs are describing my nighmare of a life. I left feeling relieved that I wasnt crazy and that with time and treatment things will get better. Already Im doing all the research and planning, I have a positive outlook that hey ....finally ....hes not a loser, maybe I can in fact have a life with him. You make me wonder. I can see this is a lifelong battle and the strategies will take time but really, I'm willing to work at it but I cant be the one to take on yet another major hurdle on my own, at what point do these partners step up and take responsibility for themselves, thier problems and the families they started? Any success stories out there?

FYI - I keep wondering if

FYI - I keep wondering if it's not ADD and simply that my husband is a Gemini - very similar attributes.

Its ADD

  Astro signs don't explain it...its ADD.

 

Mine is too

Mine is also a Gemini....hmmmmmm.

sttrange link

Hmmm...mine is Gemini too... although It must only be coincidence LOL

wow-'double whammie! 'being ADD/ADHD-and a gemini to boot

i noticed the very same go on-of things to do with my great friend who is with ADD/ADHD-and as well-a gemini (lol:)

sometimes the combo is a funny ride-though so-i'm still learning..next step-'gingerly nudging (before shove?) him to go and get diagnosed.

thanks for your post:)

janne w

Statistics on astrological signs

It can be assumed that about 1/12 of the users of the site are Geminis and about 1/12 of their spouses are.  Those that aren't Geminis aren't all going to jump in and say "I'm not" so it looks neat when several people do.  That has absolutely no significance.

fuzzylogic72's picture

signs

I'm a Leo!

For PWard

Dr. Hallowell sees patients in both Boston and in New York City and is able to see through issues of ADHD pretty quickly...for some sorts of work he will also "see" you via phone...perhaps continuing counselling might be one of those items.  You could call his office at 978-287-0810 to find out.

You may wish to read a post just put up by another reader (man with ADD) that has to do with what it feels like to realize just what a negative impact you've had on your wife...after she leaves.  What worries me about your post is how much it reflects that you not only don't like your marriage as it currently is, but also seem to not like yourself so well.  This happens frequently to the non-ADD spouse - she loses herself to the negativity in the marriage, and then doesn't like how she is responding to herself, her husband, etc.  You can't work on his ADD for him, but you do want to start figuring out how you can start to support yourself in a positive way and "get yourself back".

Sometimes "adapting" is not the best route - it allows the ADD person to not take responsibility for their actions and the results of their actions (because you do).  His blaming you is a defensive posture (as in "the best defense is a good offense") possibly the result of his feeling deep shame as well as feeling under attack from nagging, and what her perceives as negativity coming from you.

So I'm going to suggest that you work with a therapist on setting boundaries (without your husband present) that are important to you and will help you in your marriage and with yourself.  I am also going to suggest that you read this post.  Not because I think you should leave your husband, but because you need to see that changing your boundaries can be very positive (read the responses, as you'll get different perspectives on this).

fuzzylogic72's picture

hi

sorry to interrupt, but i've noticed a few people include a link to another post (in green) within their postings. How do I do this? ps- I ordered your book today; looking forward to it.

losing it

I am so standing in your shoes right now.  I feel like he is trying to drive me insane.  He denies there is even anything wrong when he has been driving me bonkers for months upon months.  I don't know what to do any more.  My daughter (whom he adopted) loves him so much and I hate for her to be hurt, but he is killing me.  Any advice would be appreciated.

fuzzylogic72's picture

4 questions

1) Is he undergoing treatment? (Meds/counseling, etc.)

2) Does he acknowledge he has adhd, or at least a problem with his behaviour?

3) Does he communicate and take accountability for his behavior? (even if it keeps happening, at least acknowledging and admitting his part is necessary)

4) Is he OPEN enough to TRY to change himself, including a lengthy process of trial and error with meds?

In my experience/opinion, you need AT LEAST one of the above points to be a 'yes' if there is even a sliver of a chance for any lasting harmony in situations like this.

Good luck,

Charlie

Just realizing how my 20 year marriage has been affected by ADD

I have been married for 20 years.  My husband has always been forgetful, had some OCD tendencies which I just thought were quirks but otherwise was a good provider, good faithful husband.  We had a very traditional marriage.  I stayed home for the past 19 years raising our now almost 19 and 17 year old kids.  He has worked as a mortgage banker since before our marriage and was quite successful.  That was until last fall (07) when the housing market began its decline.  I noticed that my husband had started to become more and more withdrawn, I blamed it on the stress of our finances, my son getting ready to go to college.  He became more and more irritable.  In January 08, he asked me for a divorce stating he had been living a lie, it was time for him now, etc.  I immediately thought midlife crisis.  Then in March 08, I found out that he was having an affair with someone he works with and that she was leaving her husband as well.  My husband has become a changed man.  My daughter (age 16) was diagnosed with AD/HD this past September and that is when I started to see that I believe my husband suffers from it as well.

I have done extensive reading on the subject of untreated ADD in adults and see that there are many accompanying signs that go with it.  Depression, mood disorders, etc.  At any rate, he refused to leave this other women and try marriage counseling.  He has since proceeded with the divorce even though we can't afford it and he'll be unable to afford my alimony/child support at this point.  There is no getting through to him.  We have had to sell our beautiful home in this market, financially he is making mistakes left and right.

I have no idea who he has become.  I see now that I covered for much of his ADD because of everything I handled in the household.  He basically went to work and that was literally all he had to do.  It is possible that because of his loss of income that his ADD has become more pronounced.  We always got along great in our marriage and now we can barely say 2 words to each other without getting into an argument.  I have tried to gently suggest to him that he may suffer from ADD and have even suggested that each of us get evaluated for it. 

He refuses to even discuss it.  I am scared to death that he will be granted the divorce, ordered to pay the permanent alimony and child support and not be able to. There are days he doesn't even make sense with what he is saying.  In order to protect myself during the divorce, I have taken to only corresponding with him through emails, or text messages.  He is no longer living in the house, he has moved in with the girlfriend who is already divorced.  I know that my daughter sometimes picks friends who do not have her best interests at heart.  I feel like this is what he has done as well.  I have also found out over the course of the past year that he seems to be hooked on internet porn.

Does anyone have any suggestions?  I am at my wits end.

wife who is being divorced

I suspect that this isn't what you want to hear, but there is nothing you can do at this point about becoming divorced.  Your husband has made it clear that this is the path he is going to take and you can't alter that.

You can, however, work to improve how the two of you relate to each other.  By giving up on your hopes of remaining married you will open the door to making the changes you both need to make for the sake of your children.  While you will not be married to this man, you will forever have a relationship with him because of your children.  You have the power to make that relationship awkward, stand-off-ish, angry or warm and (somewhat) supportive.  Time to start thinking about, improving and accepting (not in that order) the new status quo for the sake of your kids, who are caught in the middle.

 

Woman getting divorced

Wow, I can see why the spouses and partners without ADD, whether newly married or married for decades could become easily discouraged after reading all the various postings and statements contained on this site.

 I was not diagnosed with ADD until I was 33 years old, I am married to a wonderful and understanding wife for only a year and a half. I would not presume to explain your husband's feelings or behavior . I can however describe a bit how I myself have felt after living with undiagnosed ADD for so many years and how it has warped my self perception. It affect my self perception sort to how an anorexic feels fat or overweight when looking in the mirror even as they waste away and are emaciated.For me I have a low self esteem or sense of self worth no matter if I am a huge success or a failure. I never could congratulate myself because if am responsible for my success then I must also be to blame for my failures. 

When I was diagnosed at 33 yrs old and I learned I have a brain problem not a motivation or stupidity problem, I was elated for about a month, I read everything I could find to better understand it ( typical hyperfocus behavior ) after that I began to realize my years of trying to overcome my limitations by just trying harder and increasing my efforts to just trying to pretend I was  normal or okay, or even mediocre was wrong approach. I needed to admit that my effort and motivation was not the cause of my problems like disorganization, procrastination etc and until I developed new skills with the help of medication that  I could only put forth an illusion of control.

THe illusion I worked to maintain that I was normal, just like anyone else may work sometimes on other people but inside deep down I ALWAYS KNEW MY IT WAS A LIE. I hid my shame, everyday I had to pretend for my whole that I what "I knew was true" was in fact false. I knew I was a "no good lazy stupid person" even id others didnt always agree.  I wasn't afraid of work so much as being judged for the results because I never knew if I would produce a good or bad outcome or how I ended up with one or the other.After I learned of my ADD I knew I would sometimes backslidem , fail to consistently get results I wanted. Many times I still feel like giving up, or just saying I cant do it! I quit! sometimes it is my job, nursing school or whatever the goals I have. I feel like running away and hiding is easier than to admit my unworthiness to the world. 

Somedays it is a struggle to keep my life together even in the little ways most people take for granted. Afterall if I cant make sure my socks make it into a hamper how is it I can take care of a seriously ill patient in an emergency? A four year old can be taught to put their clothes away but I can't? The past 30 years of my life I either heard from my parents, teachers, coaches , peers, coworkers, managers brother, girlfriends that I could be so much more if only I tried harder or worked harder... So it taught me to hate myslef and to develop a kit of behaviors and adaptations for basic survival.

I became an expert at making it look like I knew what I was doing, I learned to lie to cover for mistakes, or missed assignments or poor preformance, I learned to deflect criticism to shift the blame to anything or anyone other than myself to protect my fragile ego. When that didnt work and my ego was still threatened  I sometimes blew up made a scene one minute and was completely calm the next moment. I also learned to sabotage, I earned a PhD in Excuse making and a Masters Degree in Apologies.  I could also act like the wounded animal and elicit other people's need to provide help to get me out of doing it for myself. These all are unhealthy but totally understandable behaviours and adaptations to a wounded sense of self worth.

Once I learned of my ADD these habits and feelings didnt disappear, but my excuses I gave began to sound hollow now. I realized now I had other options because I knew what the problem was now. I could change the outcomes not by necessarily working harder but by working differently. 

So now try to not avoid uncomfotable conflicts, to not need to always be the peacemaker, and I try to be more decisive not to just defer the decisions so someone else can take the blame. I still fight my urges to withdraw into myself or seek distractions in mindless and meaningless activity  whether surfing the internet or walking walmart aisles for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night, or losing myself in a bookstore for 10 hours instead of dealing with whatever I am avoiding that day. I still do these things but I try and set a time limit.  I still can frustrate my wife taking two hours to get gas for my car.

I point out my own feelings simply to help you understand maybe your husband is making the choices he is because he feels "HE HAS NO CHOICE "  who knows maybe he feels that  he cant maintain the "illusion" anymore, maybe he has felt like an imposter all along , he may have loved you deeply, he may still love you deeply. You can drive yourself crazy thinking what if...  .We all delude ourselves "that if only..." I still catch myself wondering what if all the time..." if only I had learned about ADD earlier.. or what if I started meds in second grade"  or "if only ... I had not signed up for those credit cards my freshman year of college to help pay for groceries because my mom could not help me out as she promised after my parents separated although she continued to promise me she could.( me blaming someone else again!)

One other thing I wanted to relate was I remeber vividly how one day about a week after my parents announced their plans for divorce I accidently discovered my mother while she was crying in the backyard one day for no appearant reason.  Her unintentionally showing me her grief was theraputic for me!

I was able to see how deeply wounded she felt, that one moment I could tell  that my parents still had stong love for one another even if they felt they could not continue as a married couple, that she was feeling uncertainty for the future, that she was feeling like a  failure as a wife,or unworthy of love, that she was angry, and resented the pain my father caused her, but mostly it spoke to me about her deep sense of loss, about how she was greiving inside even as she tried to be strong and present a positive front. I realized it was hard on her as if she had lost an arm or some other part of herself. I she felt all these things as she contemplated how this summer was going to be her last summer with her garden and her flowers as the house would have to be sold.   

What she did next over the proceeding years had a profound impact on my own life. She formulated a plan and picked the peices of her life up and made a life many times better than what she suffered through as a married woman. She found a tough lawyer, and got a judgement for alimony and though he could not meet the obligations she kept track of them, they were friends still now but if he ever wins the lotto she will know how much he owes her! So she found a way to honor her years of supporting my father as he finished grad school, and raising us kids and deffering her own education My father is not rich or sucessful but is caring person and she knows she may never see her money he owes but by asserting her rights she showed me that a persons worth isn't dependent upon their salary but a stay at home mother's job is just as important.

My mother learned how to make due with less but more importantly she gained stability, she gained self confidence and became less afraid and more in control of her own future. She may not have the big house she always dreamed of or even a large garden to work in but she plants flowers in the condo's flower pots and the association even elected her board president! She is a great role model for me when I feel disheartened and hopeless. I just think of my mom and know I dont need to know it all or have it all planned out but I should not let fear stand in my way either.

Thanks ADD_RN

This was a great post. Beautifully written with some really profound insight. Thanks for sharing.

thank you

This is well written. Thank you for your openness.

Your comment helps me understand my spouse and the way he feels about him self, as we struggle to live with his adhd.

 Your comments  about your moms strengths, are also encouraging.

That was so beautifully put.

That was so beautifully put. I understand my adhd husband so much better now. I wish you the best of luck...

hyper focusing

My spouse and I have constant fights concerning the time he spends playing video games. He seems completely obsessed with playing video games and if he has a free moment he is playing on line. He is great at cleaning and cooking, but I have to get to the point where I am screaming just to get him to stop playing video games and focus on other tasks to help me. In social situations he often brings up video games and subjects that surround this, it would be okay if we were 16 but try talking gears of war with another 30 year old man. The friends he does have are often odd, single, and really boring. Its down right embarrassing and he tends to beat the conversation to death. When we go on trips along with all of things that we have to pack he has to bring his gaming system along with not one game but several. Worst part is that everywhere we do go someone already has the same system and he doesn't even take ours out. Our vehicle often full to the brim and the kids barely have room to move. At night he stays up playing video games and the kids and I our often awoken by loud shouts and celebrating. I wake to tell him to keep it down and I am met with a very negative and growly shout. I tell him that he is being loud and needs to keep it down and every time he responds I am not. I am tired literally. He began taking medication for his adhd and his attitude has changed significantly except the hyper focusing on video games. Needless to say I am disappointed and frustrated. I feel like a broken record and worse I'm afraid he his showing a huge lack of self control for our children. I am not for certain how to show him the extreme amount of time he spends on this and how much it affects me physically and mentally. Does anyone have advice on this?

RE: hyper focusing

Did you notice an increase in his interest in the video games after he started his medication? It could have been playing musical instruments or oil and canvass if he were a painter. It seems like stimulants increase that kind of focus. There's always going to be some trade-off or unwanted side-effect, regardless. Is it just the video games? He doesn't show a lack of responsibility, focus and dependability in other areas of your lives? The attachment/attraction he has for the video games is like what you'd find in a 13yr or 14 yr old and is typical with the 'head in the clouds' mentality that people with untreated ADD have. I'd wager that the problem isn't just with video games, but that is an obvious manifestation of a deeper issue. He himself is going to have to recognize this at some point also. And yes, the kids desperately need to have a good father-figure, male role model for their own psychological well - being. For me, that was one of the big factors that led to me getting serious with making deep-rooted changes in the way I went about things...ADD notwithstanding. ===========================================================================I'm fine, but I'm bipolar. I'm on seven medications, and I take medication three times a day. This constantly puts me in touch with the illness I have. I'm never quite allowed to be free of that for a day. It's like being a diabetic. - Carrie Fisher

money

I'm surprised not to find a section/category on money issues in couples with ADD in one or both partners. I'd certainly subscribe to a feed on that topic. In fact, would appreciate an email if/when you add RSS feeds to this blog.

Good suggestions

Melissa agrees that the topic of finances is an important one, and will add a forum area soon.

As for RSS feeds, there are RSS feeds for both the blogs (been there since the site was started - on the front page, look for the RSS symbols at the very bottom of the center blog section; the left one is for blog posts), and all comments (added a while ago, right next to the blog RSS feed).

One can also subscribe to anyone comments to a post/forum topic, or if anyone replies to your comments (if you are signed in).  You can click that option in the form when you post your comment/topic (if you are signed in).

George

Heard of Dave Ramsey?  I

Heard of Dave Ramsey?  I think he needs to have a plan structured just for ADDults

Hey! My ADD guy just finished

Hey! My ADD guy just finished the Dave Ramsey financial peace classes. I think it ran for 3 months and I was fortunate enough to have friends who were attending the classes at their church. I refused to go because I'm sure I would of done nothing but cry. I knew he would hit a wall one day and all I could do was watch and wait.

Things really blew up here after I was told to stop using the credit cards. (hello, I'm like the cash queen) I said "You better look at those statements because someone else is using those cards". I knew we could even lose our house one day and prayed we wouldn't but hoped that if we did he would finally get it. Anyway, he checks the statements and comes back to say "I guess it was me, but, it's because you won't pack me a lunch!".

Ok, I'm on a roll now... $15, 000 of unsecured credit card debt over about 5 years because he needs what, $11.50 a day for the lunch special? What kind of excuse is that? He's always been a careless spender but, now I'm thinking he's really out there! I'm fifty! I've been watching him do this for thirty years! We've got no savings and enough out on the second mortgage to hopefully break even if we could sell. I'm disgusted!

For years, every time and every which way I tried to bring up the budget subject I was cut off and told that all I wanted to do was complain that he didn't make enough money for me, I've really got the nerve, what an ungrateful person I am I should be thankful he doesn't beat me or whatever, he's a good man...

And that's what everyone thinks as he shows up as Mr. Personality to everyone we know while I'm Ms. Practicality trying to make sense of what's going on. It blows my mind to see his charming demeanor in public after hearing his chronic irritability about nothing at home. Of course it's me, I don't inspire him. It boggles my mind!

Thankfully, our two kids are grown. I hope my son will be good enough to take me in one day... I feel like I've just been treading water all these years and now I'm going down... It's hard to stay positive, I'm working and going to school and along with the stress of this marriage, I'm exhausted! There's no end in sight here and only time will tell how effective the Dave Ramsey class was. He's not one to stay on task...

My friend told me he sure looked sorrowful. I couldn't look at him for weeks! He was very disappointed with my behavior. What?! All I could do was withdraw and hide away to try and wrap my head around why I'm still here and what else can I do? Believe me, I would leave if I could support myself. My son is still home and I adore him, he's not ADD and is such a great help. I love my guys but, I don't want to deal with the big one anymore.

B i g  s i g h, okay, that's my short story, thanks for letting me get it out of my system.

I wish I could be more positive, I'm just so tired of all this...

 

suggestion for this site

People post different aspects of their story in different threads.  Sometimes it is hard to keep track of who is who.

In my account, I can track all my own posts.  It would be very helpful, if there were a way to track the posts of any person, so I can be better informed before writing a comment.

Be able to find our own comments

I would like to be able to retrieve something I've written previously, but it's awfully hard to find. If I search my own username, I only get comments where others have replied to me by name. There are things I want to remember to talk to my boyfriend about, but I can't remember how I worded it.

There might be some way to view all of our contributions under our profiles (if we had them). Or if we could just search by username, that would be good, too.

finding your own posts and comments

You can find all your own comments and posts by clicking on the link "my account" in the right rail, or go to "http://www.adhdmarriage.com/user".  We have purposely not made it easy to find all the posts and comments by anyone else primarily because of our concern for privacy.  Melissa and I have been discussing this for a while, and agreed that we need to let people "opt" in for that feature, and so as part of an upcoming expanded user profile functionality (currently under development, where we will let individuals decide how much they wish to show others), we will open that feature for those who opt in.

Thanks

Thanks - I can't find any "my account" link on the right rail, but the user url works great.

New site features

I had some time over the holidays to add some new features to the site to help our members navigate the site more easily.

On the right rail of the home page, you will find three new blocks.  Two of them allow you to find the most popular posts in the blogs and forums.  The numbers next to the post represent the number of individual unique views by a real human (all search engines and other nasty bots are filtered out, as well as those who view the page more than once) during that time period.  Therefore, you can see what was most read during the last 24 hours, seven days, 30 days, and for almost the last three years since the site has been up and running).

The third block adds in the "recent comments" block that I had added a few weeks ago (at your request), and added to it the same functionality for recent forum posts.  You can now go back as far as you want in reverse chronological order for both comments and forum posts.  Blog posts are already organized that way.

Lastly, I have created a new class of user that has some additional features.  For those of you who have contributed several forum posts and comments, you will note (1) you no longer have your posts checked for spam (so no more captcha's for you) and (2) more importantly, you can now click on the name of the author for both forum posts and comments.  That click will take you to page that shows all the posts and comments for that person all in one convenient place (each in reverse chronological order).  All of you already can see your own pages, but this feature allows others to only see how long you have been a member and all of your posts.  No other information is exposed.

Note: I am testing this only with about thirty of you.  Give me your feedback on whether we should expand this to a broader base of users.

I am working on an extended profile, based on what some of the members did a few weeks ago with an informal survey on the site.  It would include your gender, sex, age, whether you and/or your spouse has ADHD, how long you have been in your relationship, the current status of your relationship, how many children you have, your location (country and state/province only), and lastly, a place to write a bit about yourself.  Let me know about whether that would be helpful to you.

Also coming is the ability to flag both posts and comments as "helpful" or "offensive".  The most helpful posts/comments will be shown similar to how the popular posts are listed, and the offensive ones will be either removed first and checked later, or flagged for review, depending on who and how many "flagged" the post.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you,

George