“There is no crime, absolutely none, that connote be condoned when ‘our’ side commits it.”
- George Orwell
Well, I might not agree completely with this statement as I think there are crimes that aren’t ever condonable. But when one is talking about behavior in a relationship, then I think that this statement holds true. Do we not tend to criticize our partner for being angry, curt or hurtful yet ‘understand it’ when we do similar things ourselves?
I certainly fell into this pattern. For years it wasn’t okay for my husband to treat me poorly, but his inconsistent behaviors ‘justified’ my criticisms and anger in return. This kept on until I realized that not only did I not like him very much, but I also didn’t like ME very much, either. It was time to set my own standards – and stick to them!
Partners do best when they conscientiously contribute their ‘best selves’ to their relationship and I challenge all with whom I work to look at their own behavior with an objective eye. Would they like to be with themselves if they were in the same room?
How about you? Are you contributing your ‘best self?” If not, look back to your most important values and ask yourself how you might do better. Your situation will likely improve.
Washington DC friends: My workshop on Anger and Communication will help you bring your 'best self'. Starts October 21st. Register here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.