“When your partner is in a state of disrepair, it’s a one-way street. Everybody gets this wrong. It’s not supposed to be “Well, these are your issues, here are mine.” When your partner is in disrepair, it’s like you are working at the customer-service window. Your partner says, “I want a new microwave.” They don’t want to hear that your toaster doesn’t work. They want you to fix their microwave. Later on, we can hear about your issue, but not then. The question of who’s right and who’s wrong is irrelevant. What matters is how we, as a team, are going to make this work for both of us.”
One Thing at a Time
How many times have you felt unheard because your partner responded to a complaint of yours with a complaint of their own?! And how often have you done the same to your partner? (Be honest, now!)
Yeah, I recognized myself in this quote as well as most of the couples I’ve worked with.
But as is Real’s way, this is a lighthearted example for a really important habit partners create. When your partner comes to you, it’s not about you…it’s about them and their problem. Later it can be about you.
This replying to a complaint with a complaint is a hard habit to break. One way to do it is to have regular meetings (perhaps one hour per week) set aside to talk about emotional or relationship issues. The speaker gets a chance to really talk about their issue in-depth. Learning conversations can help because they are structured. Another would be to have a verbal cue that allows the initiating partner to communicate “hey – this is about my issue right now…we’ll talk about yours at another time!” asking the other partner to listen first.
Does thinking of yourself at the service window give you any ideas?
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ Don't Delay- Starting TOMORROW January 11, 2023 - REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 - Now 9 with same price - session Seminar - . This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
Podcast Naming Challenge!
I'm looking for some assistance coming up with a great name for a podcast with fellow ADHD relationship expert, Susan Tschudi. Not surprisingly, the podcast will be all about ADHD and relationships - primary partnerships as the focus, but also family, friendships and more. The tone will be friendly, with lively and informative conversations between Susan and me about important topics, plus regular guests, useful tips, and some topics based specifically in the real stories of struggling couples.
Can you help us create a great, catchy podcast title? If it helps, our initials happen to combine into MOST (Melissa Orlov and Susan Tschudi).
Please use this contact form to send your ideas (all are welcome!) by January 15. And thanks in advance for sharing your creativity with us!
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.