“Sometimes we rescue because it’s easier than dealing with the discomfort and awkwardness of facing other people’s unsolved problems. We haven’t learned to say, “It’s too bad you’re having that problem. What do you need from me?” We’ve learned to say, “Here. Let me do that for you.””
- Melody Beatty
Are you a rescuer?
I’m not sure I need to go into the myriad ways that partners feel it’s necessary or desirable to rescue each other. In ADHD-impacted relationships this is complicated for the more organized partners by the nagging feeling that if they observe, rather than rescue, something will drop into their lap at an inconvenient time.
But while rescuing feels like help, it is really a form of critique. “Here, let me jump in…(because I don’t trust you can do this on your own).” Instead of trying to solve a problem FOR your partner, work to find constructive ways to solve a problem WITH your partner. That probably means creating completely new ways to interact – ways that take ADHD symptoms into account, including managing them as well as possible and finding ADHD-friendly ways to do things. Focus on improving things that are really, truly important to you.
And a good addition to your relationship arsenal is Beatty’s comment and question: “It’s too bad you’re having that problem. What do you need from me?”
Valentine's Day webinar - February 16, 2022, 7:30 – 09:00 EST, I share the effect of ADHD on relationships and how to start improving your connection with your partner. Get your questions answered during Q&A!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
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Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS MARCH 16, 2022. Registration is now open.