Detaching

ADHD & Marriage News - May 7, 2025

Quote of the Week

“For each of us there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.”

- Melody Beatty, in Co-Dependent No More

Beatty is not talking about separation or divorce here. She is talking about letting go of the illusion of control, and setting strong boundaries around what is our own responsibility vs. what is our partner’s responsibility. Many couples impacted by ADHD don’t have great boundaries – in fact, it’s quite possible you have the parent/child dynamic going in your relationship. That’s an excellent example of disordered boundaries.

The idea of freeing others to be who they are is particularly scary for many non-ADHD partners, who may fear that their ADHD partner is not capable of adequately managing ADHD…and for some (certainly not all) this is the case. So non-ADHD partners tend to spend too much time trying to control their situation - and their partner - in an effort to affect change and move that partner closer to what the non-ADHD partner hopes for. Sadly, the most likely ADHD partner response to that pushing or parenting behavior (sometimes called codependence) is defiance, escape, and digging in. Sometimes depression, anxiety or chronic anger may set in, too. The most likely outcome for the non-ADHD partner is frustration, anger and hopelessness.

The healthier and more effective approach would be for both partners to take control only of their own issues, and support the other partner’s efforts to rise to their potential. In other words, dramatically improve their boundaries. Life will still have ups and downs, but your relationship will be significantly healthier with better boundaries in place.

Focusing on your own needs, and better enacting your own boundaries, can free you both to love each other based upon who you both truly are. Or, once you are viewing each other based upon accepting your amazing parts as well as your imperfections, you may discover that you aren’t as good a fit as you thought you were. In which case it frees you to move away from a relationship that ultimately wasn’t going to work well for you.

Is it time to let go of the illusion of control and to set strong boundaries around what is your own responsibility vs. what is your partner’s responsibility?

HIGHLIGHT:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from professionals you can trust. Questions? Review our i2a on demand information session and Frequently Asked Questions. Register for our May 21 Information Session with Melissa and Rachel.

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 4th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.