The Unintended Consequences of the D-word

ADHD & Marriage News - April 17, 2024

Quote of the Week

“One problem is that a lot of stories default to fear for the motivator. But that doesn't last long. Fear stimulates the amygdala, which bypasses the logical thinking part of the brain. So, the response to fear is jumbled and doesn't last. You need to flip the story to how you can be better tomorrow rather than provide fear-based messaging.”

- Dr. Sanjay Gupta

The Unintended Consequences of the D-word

The first time the word ‘divorce’ is used in a relationship, everything changes. But perhaps not the way that people expect. It seems that partners often threaten divorce (perhaps in the heat of an argument) as a way to express their deep despair and motivate their partner to change.

What often happens, instead, is that the threat of divorce destabilizes the relationship. The declaration suggests that at least one of you might be ready to leave – making all decisions bigger, scarier, and more tenuous. This tends to solidify positions and/or paralyze at least one partner. Just the opposite of the intended effect.

A more effective approach would be to express what your dreams are that you are so struggling to reach. Create a picture of where you want to go that your partner can engage with you around. If you must talk about hopelessness or sadness that you are starting to feel, see if you can place that within the positives you so long to experience together. Be transparent without creating a story based in fear. In doing so, you may increase your chances that your partner will be able to take on what you are saying and respond in a more open and, hopefully, supportive way.

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