ADHD & Marriage News - September 9, 2020

Quote of the Week

“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.”

-Lori Deschene


When I felt most desperate in my relationship it was like a thick fog of misery.  I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what, and couldn’t figure out how to see to fix it.  I behaved poorly – badgering and even verbally abusing my husband.  I became a person I just didn’t like and wasn’t proud of.

I hear many similar stories, and when one feels this way there are two paths – double down, parent more, badger more, and try to push your ADHD partner into change.  This makes sense because it’s hard to get a person with ADHD to focus…putting on the pressure helps focus effort, but it doesn’t create a healthy relationship.  So while it’s logical, it’s not healthy or helpful.  You can’t hate…or push…your way into love.

The second option is to learn more about ADHD in adult relationships.  To build empathy, as well as an effective toolkit that both partners can use to improve things.  This can be hard, particularly if you’re frustrated and feeling hopeless, but it is through kindness and a generosity of spirit that we build love with a partner.  It’s also where we remind ourselves of our own worth and learn, once again, to love ourselves.

I’m not suggesting that being kind is all that it takes to repair a relationship hurt by ADHD and responses to ADHD.  There are other factors, such as getting out of parent/child dynamics and optimizing treatment for ADHD that are really, really important.  But it is only through seeking a loving path that we can build love rather than destroy it.

Are you pushing from a place of anger or hate or are you seeking to understand and build love?


Is it time to introduce more love into your relationship? My LIVE ADHD Effect on Marriage Couples Phone Seminar starts NEXT WEEK on September 16, 2020. 8 sessions, plus one bonus.  If you or your partner has ADHD, you probably have tried to work on improving your relationship, but may not have been successful. Traditional counseling does not address the effects of ADHD, leaving you frustrated and incredulous that you have gotten to this point and haven't been able to make things better. I provide understanding and concrete ideas to help couples re-balance their relationships. Learn more.

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.

Friday, Sept. 11:  9 - 10:15am eastern

Monday, Sept. 14:  12:30 - 2:00pm eastern

Thursday, Sept. 17:  3 - 4:30pm eastern

Monday, Sept 21:  4 - 5:15pm eastern

Thursday, Sept 24:  7 - 9:00pm eastern

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.


Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts September 16, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

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© 2020 Melissa Orlov