ADHD & Marriage News - June 28, 2018
Quote of the Week
“Another helpful adjustment is to drop the idea of finding a soul mate. “We have this mythological idea that we will find a soul mate and have these euphoric feelings forever,” says Chapman. "In fact, soul mates tend to be crafted, not found."
- Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages
Soul Mates, and All That
My husband’s affair partner once told him they were soul mates. When I asked him if he concurred, he replied “That’s what she thinks.” It made me think about the concept of soul mates and I ended up in a place very much like Chapman’s.
In my opinion, the idea that someone is ‘perfect’ for us just by being themselves, is a myth. In the case of this affair partner, perhaps a myth placed on top of a fantasy, to justify trying to steal someone else’s husband. It assumes a ‘happily ever after’ just by being together. That’s just not how healthy, joyous relationships work. Marriage research shows clearly that euphoric feelings lessen for 97% of couples after the dopamine of infatuation wears off (at between 24 – 28 months into the relationship.) And then it becomes about overtly nurturing your connections.
In relationships impacted by ADHD, this nurturing typically has to be even more thought through – schedule time to be together, don’t just assume it will happen (too much distraction for that!) Make sure to keep doing new and challenging things together to connect. Work hard to optimize ADHD treatment so that inconsistency doesn’t hurt your relationship. Avoid falling into parent/child dynamics at all costs (this takes work by both parties!)
But with all that – you may be able to end up saying, as my husband and I do, we are with just the right person. Is that a soul mate? Nah, but I don’t feel I need a label beyond ‘really, really happy.’ And both of us plan on doing the work to keep it that way.
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship teleseminar - both start September 2018.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
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- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts September 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
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© 2018 Melissa Orlov
