“I was thinking about what has changed for us - and certainly a lot has changed. I think the fundamentals of 'what are the things that I need to stay in this marriage' have changed for the better. But I was more thinking about - how do I deal with the daily annoyances that in the past really angered me but that aren’t on my top list of things that I am asking for... the lack of follow through with the dishes, the frustration about the laundry, the real differences on how we navigate kids’ bedtimes, etc. Here I started to think about the Buddhist saying, ‘There is always pain, we control the suffering.’ These things still exist. They are still bothersome, but I get to control whether I 'suffer', whether I go into a victim story around them (which I don’t do anymore). To be fair, I did that work of dropping the suffering and victim story while he was working to do the same, so we could reinforce one another’s work, but somehow taking control to change my story and my experience around the pain seemed like an important move (for me).”
-Non-ADHD support group participant talking about one aspect of improving her relationship in a recent support group
We Control the Suffering
This woman’s experience in modifying her internal story to become more empowered didn’t change her partner’s behaviors, though she notes that he was doing that himself. But it dramatically altered her experience.
I urge you to read what she says again, and ask yourself ‘Do I have a chance to better control my suffering?’
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