“Love isn’t a perfect state of caring. It’s an active noun like ‘struggle."
- Fred Rogers
One of the more common ‘mistakes’ that couples make is that they forget to actively nurture their connections. As Rogers points out – sustained love doesn’t just ‘happen’ – you really have to work at it. And ‘struggle’ is just the right word to choose…because sometimes it really IS a struggle! Your partner pulls some boneheaded move and you have to look inside yourself to find patience or empathy with her.
Part of that struggle is finding the balance between letting things go and focusing enough attention on the most important items so that both of you feel heard and attended to. Many older couples will tell you that they finally figured out that ‘sweating the small stuff’ wasn’t a great approach…but sitting down, when it’s really important, and learning how to gently but firmly speak your mind is.
We don’t land in a relationship knowing how to create that balance. That’s all part of the struggle – taming your baser instincts to find ways to accommodate the needs you both have so that you both feel cared for.
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in October 2018.