“For each of us there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.
- Melody Beatty, in Co-Dependent No More
One of the great benefits to learning about ADHD in relationships is coming to understand that ‘parenting’ or trying to control a partner who has ADHD simply Does. Not. Work. It leads to resentment in both partners, animosity, escaping, anger, and more.
The only way to move out of this pattern is for both partners to acknowledge the harm caused by ‘over-functioning’ (non-ADHD partners) and ‘under-functioning’ (ADHD partners.). BOTH need to address the problem, rather than blame each other.
For the ADHD partner that means stepping up – engaging fully, and optimizing ADHD management (download my free treatment ebook from my home page). It’s a challenge, but definitely doable.
For the non-ADHD or more organized ADHD partner, it means stepping back and understanding it’s time to detach. That’s hard, too. But also doable.
Does the idea of letting go of control scare you? Do it in stages, alongside the ADHD partner’s skill building. You will NEVER be able to control another person’s ADHD…once you stop trying to do so you provide space to allow that partner to grow, find more satisfaction in their contribution, and feel more loved.
What might both of you do next to lessening control/management dynamics in your relationship? If you need additional care and support to help make your relationship work, consider My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023STARTS THIS WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4TH.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar starts October 4th.