How defensive are you?  Your partner?  If you’re struggling in your relationship, your answer could be ‘very!’  Defensiveness shows up as quick trigger anger.  It shows up in explaining why you are right and your partner’s recent critique is wrong.  It shows up as blame.  It shows up when you feel a victim, even though your partner is calmly trying to present his or her point of view to you.

Gottman describes defensiveness as ‘self-protection’ but it is self-protection in the very short term.  Defensive responses end conversations or make them worse.  They allow you to blame your partner rather than self-reflect in a way that could help you both.  Repeated defensiveness encourages your partner to stop engaging with you.  And you can’t love someone if you can’t engage with them positively.  

Worse, defensiveness keeps you from listening (and learning) and from being listened to.  You start to argue over who is right, rather than how to respond.  You end up as adversaries, rather than partners.  You can’t examine the issue at hand and resolve it because you aren’t on the same team.

Thinking objectively about yourself, could you become less defensive and more open to your partner?

Filling Up Quickly! My Upcoming live seminar starts October 21, the non-adhd support groups start October 15 and the Continuing Course starts October 16.... Don't Delay! Learn more.

Thrilled to be one of the books recommended by HuffPost "15 books all couples should read, according to marriage therapists"

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

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