Upheaval is Scary

ADHD & Marriage News - July 3, 2020

Quote of the Week

“It is necessary to change ourselves before we can bring that change out into the world, and change is often scary and uncomfortable.”

-Britney Stafford, from the book Check Your Privilege”

Upheaval is Scary

We are in a time of upheaval and, hopefully, change.  While the quote above is from a book about changing one’s own attitudes about racism, the idea that upheaval and change can be uncomfortable and scary is not a new one and is easily applied to making changes in your relationship.

In psychology, there is a response to change that has been well observed.  When one partner makes an uncomfortable change, the other one often unconsciously tries to push that partner back to the status quo, or the place that feels comfortable or knowable – even if that known place is unhealthy.

That probably happens in your relationship, too.  Yet change comes about because at least one partner is determined to make him or herself better.

The changes that are most successful are those that are rooted in our own values, and in which we are only trying to change ourselves, not our partners.  If you find you are belittling your partner, but believe strongly that your relationship should be based in respect, then your task is to learn to respect both yourself and your partner.  You might still be angry, but you learn to express that anger respectfully and constructively, rather than as rage.  You stop rolling your eyes.  You teach yourself to ask questions to find out what your partner’s opinions are.  You do this because respect is a critical value you hold and it’s important to live in alignment with one’s own value, not because it will or will not change your partner’s behaviors.

Have you thought lately about whether you are living in alignment with your values?  Do you need to make changes that might feel uncomfortable or scary?


Wishing you and your partner a happy July 4th!

Did you miss my ADDitude webinar, Relationship Rehab for ADHD Couples Challenged by the Pandemic ? Listen to it now.  Here is some feedback:


·      Melissa is just brilliant. I will listen to her every chance I get and wish she was my couples therapist.

·     This speaker was excellent: very knowledgeable with very helpful practical information! Thank you!

·     This was a really interesting talk, and the presenter had some wonderful strategies to help both the ADHDer and non-ADHDer in relationships. Awesome webinar!


Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.  More information is here.  Note: If you partake in the recorded self-study couples seminar, you can ask your questions about seminar material in the office hours

Wednesday, July 8, 9:00 - 10:00am EASTERN time

Wednesday, July 8, 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN time

Tuesday, July 14, 3:30-4:30pm EASTERN time

Tuesday, July 21, 3:00 - 4:15pm EASTERN time

Wednesday, July 22, 7:00 - 9:00pm EASTERN time

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.


Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall, 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

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© 2020 Melissa Orlov