“Parents’ love for their children can make them do peculiar things. Like staying up until 1am gluing glitter on a second-grade class project. Or driving 40 miles to deliver a single soccer cleat. Or, perhaps, bribing their teenagers’ way into a fancy college. But one of the weirdest things parents do is love their children more than their partners…Research strongly suggests that children whose parents love each other are much happier and more secure than those raised in a loveless environment.”
-Belinda Luscombe, Time Magazine, 5/20/19
Loving Your Kids
These days, whenever I am asked to provide ‘tips’ at a baby shower (and I’m going to more and more due to the age of my kids’ friends) I always write the same thing. Remember that your partner always comes first. I’ve seen WAY too many couples lose their way at the birth of their first child, when they are simultaneously hit by sleep deprivation; a change in the structure of the adult relationship to include a third person; oxytocin overload in mom; new work/life balance issues and a TON more logistical issues to stay on top of.
It’s hardly surprising that partners lose track of each other with this sudden increase in pressures. You might think ‘we’re fine – let me get this other, new stuff under control, first.’ But, actually, it’s not so temporary. More like a ‘new normal’ and things aren’t going to settle down. With kids, particularly young kids, there are always surprises, some chaos, and a ton of logistics. So putting your partner aside temporarily actually often results in putting your partner aside for much longer than you realize. ‘Divide and conquer’ ends up just being ‘divide.’
To keep your relationship healthy, you MUST make time for each other! Time for just the two of you, every week, when you are together in a way that reminds you to remember what is special about your partner. That might be doing connecting activities together. That might mean talking over a cup of coffee in the local bistro. It might mean an afternoon spent in bed while your parents take the kids for the day.
Just as long as it’s not chores.
Do you and your partner make each other enough of a priority?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts January, 2020.