“Getting past the disappointment about what I THOUGHT my marriage would be - that was hard."
- woman posting in the forum at ADHDmarriage.com about learning to be herself again
Stop Watering the Weeds
I have been in this same place – I envisioned a marriage that would resemble the hyper-focus courtship that I had with my husband. A life-long experience where my husband was always attentive and empathetic, where we explored the world every day, and he even continued to love cooking. It was a shock when the hyperfocus wore off, and I was dropped into the distracted, lonely days of my early marriage.
It is important to know yourself when you get to this place, rather than get lost in your relationship and disappointment. This ‘getting lost’ is much easier to do that you might think. You single-mindedly dedicate yourself to making your relationship better, or ‘improving’ your partner (as I did) and suddenly all of your interests, friendships and even happy feelings have been over-run by your problems and plans for improvements. That’s ‘lost’ in your relationship.
You need to know yourself in order to have the strength of voice and intention that allows you to re-find happiness from within. Strength to understand that your partner is free to choose his or her own path (whether you like it or not). Ready to try your hardest and see what happens.
It’s healthy to grieve for the relationship you thought you had, but don’t. Then, take some time to accept where you are and (very importantly) seek out what is good. Okay, so you don’t have what you thought you would have. But, what DO you have? What’s still great? What can be built? Where’s the untapped potential? All of those questions come after you’ve reached acceptance.
Yes, it might be hard, but it’s a great way to move forward.
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
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