Past and Future

ADHD & Marriage News - June 11, 2025

Quote of the Week

“She taught me the pointlessness of wishing for a different past and the futility of worrying about all of the frightening futures over which I had no control."

- James Doty, MD from Into the Magic Shop

James Doty, MD is a neurosurgeon who wrote about his lessons in mindfulness from an interested shop owner when he was young. What I like about this idea (which is the central idea of his book) is the absolute truth in the idea…and how hard it is to take it on.

Some of you may feel regret and sadness about what has happened in the past - perhaps all of the strife between you before you figured out that ADHD was playing a role in your relationship or perhaps that you didn’t know about ADHD sooner. This regret is to be respected, as are all of our feelings. But if you can internalize the idea that the past is completely and totally unchangeable it can help you move into today…the only day over which we have any real control.

Anxiety about the future is also understandable, and may even be useful in small doses if it inspires you to take action to avert a problem (example – ordering train tickets before they are sold out). But feelings of general anxiety about the future deserve to be examined so that they can be addressed and put aside. The anxiety itself doesn’t change anything, only put your body into a stressful ‘alert’ mode. And moving from a place of ‘fright’ may lead you to make less than optimal choices. Fear motivates…but does not nurture.

It can be terrifying to internalize the idea that the only day you have control over is today, and the only person you have control over is you. I ask you, though, to consider this idea.

If you took it to heart – today – would you do anything differently?

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other. Right now, we are in the midst of a great ongoing workshop series on boundaries and how they can help you shift out of the parent-child dynamic (which is recorded and available for i2a members to watch anytime!). We'll soon be talking about meaningful repair, and ADHD partner defensiveness. Join us anytime to be a part of our growing and supportive community.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
Chore Score Worksheet;
Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."