To Schedule or Not To Schedule…That is the Question

ADHD & Marriage News - July 9, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Instead of scheduling sex, it may make more sense to look for windows of opportunity."

- Ari Tuckman, PhD

To Schedule or Not To Schedule…That is the Question

Is your desire to connect sexually with your partner thwarted by distraction and being so much in the ‘now’ that the two of you just never seem to get together? Does the normal antidote to this (scheduling time) bring dread to your heart?

Tuckman, an expert in sex and ADHD, has a constructive suggestion – think about time ‘windows’ when it would make sense to spend sexual time together. To find a good window, you could look at your biological clocks – are you more energetic at a certain time of day? Too tired after work? Are there times of day when kids may get in the way? Do you need a sitter for an afternoon?

Also think about frequency. You may be more open to a sexual experience if you are both broadly satisfied with how often you get together.

But beware – if you broaden your sex window to a couple of days, don’t fall into the trap of expecting the more organized partner to play the role of ‘reminder’ or ‘initiator’, for that can encourage resentment. Look for opportunities for sex in your described window, and make sure you have a specific plan for who initiates. Include always putting a reminder for the ADHD partner sometime in that window, and a plan for what happens if you near the end of the window and still haven’t taken off at least some of your clothes.

This window approach can allow for a more natural coming together while providing guardrails for making sure you don’t become ships passing in the night.

HIGHLIGHT:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from trusted professionals. We've got an amazing set of July workshops:

7/9 8:30p EST Tools to help you Focus on Progress and Let Go of Perfection
7/15 7:30p EST Lessening defensiveness for ADHD partners: IFS parts work
7/16 7:30p EST What ADHD Coaches wish Non ADHD Partners Knew Recap of Part 1
7/30 8p EST Relationship Essentials: Open a Can of B.E.A.N.S – skills for everyone

Join us anytime for live expert support and a wonderful community!

Seminars, Groups:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other.

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (Begins Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD";
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
Chore Score Worksheet;
Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.

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