Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”

- Anais Nin

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It is human nature to assume that the world around us exists as we ourselves see it and experience it.  What other perspective would we have?

This gets us into trouble, though, particularly when we start making assumptions about how our spouses will react – to us, to things we do together, and particularly to how they feel.  Something that makes you really happy might be completely boring to your partner and vice versa.  A comment that seems neutral or even helpful to you might feel very hurtful to your partner. 

What to do about this?  First, listen carefully to your partner’s words and probe (politely) to better understand how your partner feels about, and experiences, things the two of you share together.  Second, make no assumptions.  ASK your partner whether she prefers a concert over a movie on a particular evening or enjoyed being with your family as much as you did.  Ask your partner if he is confused or hurt or happy.  Third, be open about what you want and what your experience is, thereby helping your partner to better understand your preferences and feelings.  In other words, be as transparent in your relationship as you can be.

As always, when doing this, make sure to remain respectful.  Transparency is not a license to dump your hard feelings on your partner in an angry or hurtful way.

Transparency won’t change the fact that we all see things through our own particular lens.  It will, however, help us make fewer mistakes when figuring out how to happily live together.

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© 2012 Melissa Orlov