What Battles are Worth Fighting?

ADHD & Marriage News - September 10, 2025

Quote of the Week

“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”

- William James

What Battles are Worth Fighting?

Sometimes in relationships ‘overlooking’ is called ‘choosing which battles to fight.’ This seems antagonistic, so I would like to expand the idea of making choices, instead.

We live in an age in which EVERYTHING is vying for our attention. Attention given to something small is attention that cannot be allocated to something more important. But how do you choose what to attend to?

I suggest aligning what you choose to engage in with your values and the intensity of those values. In my seminar I teach about ‘wants, desires and deal breakers’. The closer to deal breakers an issue or value is, the more deserving it is of your thoughtful attention.

One benefit of thinking about aligning what you pay attention to with your values is that you will think broadly, rather than think about individual instances. It’s quite possible your partner might respond defensively if you say, “I resent your telling me what to do” or (more commonly) “Don’t boss me around!” You might get a more positive response with “When you tell me what to do I feel disrespected. I would appreciate your bringing your concerns to me, instead of directing me. Showing mutual respect, even when disagreeing, is really important to me.”

What might happen if you respond specifically to those things that are aligned with your closely held values, and let much more go than you currently do?

STARTING SOON:

➤ Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Starts Sept 24th Only $299:

9 sessions of a live lecture and live Q&A - 18 hours of live content by Zoom, answering your specific questions; Access to recordings of the live lectures and live Q&As from this session; 2 BONUS pre-recorded video lessons: Medications overview; Better organization with ADHD; Optional homework and readings. Mental Health Professionals, learn about our Affiliates Program.

➤ Foundations in Habit Development - Starts Oct 8th New habits take up to 3X longer to develop with ADHD in the mix. Limited to 8 participants, this group is designed to help solidify the changes you have started to make.

Seminars, Groups:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Registration Ongoing) Learn more and sign up here!

September is full of expert help in i2a:

9/11: Learning Conversation Practice Office Hours with Rachel
9/7, 9/21 and 9/28: Money Talks Series: Money and ADHD Relationships Workshop Series with Dr. Christine Hargrove
9/16: Book club The ADHD Productivity Manual with Ari Tuckman
9/17: Office Hours with Melissa Orlov
Plus the Community Forum and live Office Hours

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - ➤ REGISTER NOW Starts Sept 24th. Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Mental Health Professionals, learn about our Affiliates Program.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from recent live seminar lessons and Q&As. 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning! Military and Mental Health Professional discounts.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

Foundations in Habit Development - ➤ REGISTER NOW Starts October 8th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing). Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full). Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - (Ongoing). For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question:

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."