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by: Off the roller ... -
Yeah I'm due some quality me time. I'll get it after easter and I'm gonna enjoy it. I think another thing that helps is taking a step forward...no matter how small.>>> on Forum topic - Stuck in quicksand
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by: Off the roller ... -
Makes me think...im at year 5 now anyways and turning 45 this year and promised myself it wouldn't be like this for another 5 years. But thinking for another 10 years down the line makes me so sad. For myself and my son.>>> on Forum topic - Stuck in quicksand
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by: 1Melody1 -
I didn't want to leave either. I put it off for 10 years, but it was the only actual "solution." Every year I stayed was another year I got sicker and more depressed. Another year my daughter learned from our unhealthy dynamic. Another year my husband couldn't live a happier life too. But I get it. Leaving takes an enormous amount of energy and planning that I couldn't even fathom finding within myself when I felt at my lowest. And I'll be honest - It did get worse before it got better. Leaving is...>>> on Forum topic - Stuck in quicksand
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by: Swedish coast -
That last paragraph moves me. This strange experience we share seems impenetrable from the outside - almost nobody understands it. But we do.>>> on Forum topic - Feeling Nonexistant
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by: Nestbuilder -
I absolutely have similar challenges. (My husband is non-diagnosed ADHD. Our marriage counselor recently suggested he get tested.) There's a saying about being loneliest in a crowd. For me, I'm loneliest laying next to my husband who's turned away and snoring while I'm burning with desire to connect... even if only by holding hands while we fall asleep. I understand your challenges with a busy schedule too, as we have 6 children at home. Drs Ratey & Hallowell's book, Delivered from...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling Nonexistant
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by: penelope -
This man will never change. I was married to a man with ADHD for 42 years. He could be very charming. He also cheated on me incessantly, manipulated me into thinking he had changed, couldn't hold a job for more than three years or manage money, had no concept of time, was an alcoholic and was belligerent and neglectful. Many people with ADHD suffer from Narcissistic personality disorder. It is untreatable. Either strap yourself in for the most horrendous roller coaster ride of your life or get out...>>> on Forum topic - How to rebuild TRUST when he won't stop LYING?
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by: penelope -
This man will never change. I was married to a man with ADHD for 42 years. He could be very charming. He also cheated on me incessantly, manipulated me into thinking he had changed, couldn't hold a job for more than three years or manage money, had no concept of time, was an alcoholic and was belligerent and neglectful. Many people with ADHD suffer from Narcissistic personality disorder. It is untreatable. Either strap yourself in for the most horrendous roller coaster ride of your life or get out...>>> on Forum topic - How to rebuild TRUST when he won't stop LYING?
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by: honestly -
Find a therapist - for yourself. You can’t work on a marriage from the place you’re in. I’m not suggesting you ‘work on yourself’; I’m suggesting you work out who you are now,what you want and how you want to live. Then you’ll be in a better position to tackle the rest. You’ll be on more solid ground. Good luck. X>>> on Forum topic - Stuck in quicksand
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by: Swedish coast -
She does indeed seem to imply you need to mold yourself to your partner’s disability and allow his timeline to define your life. I don’t agree that’s healthy or even ethical advice. There will always be conflict when unmanaged ADHD hurts the non partner. The conflict isn’t about you doing something morally wrong, it’s a result of the hurt your partner is (accidentally) inflicting on you. Your feelings are as valid as his. Your happiness matters just as much as his. If he doesn’t...>>> on Forum topic - Guilt
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry Off the Roller. Do you think perhaps you need a quick break? Just a week away? Perhaps you could go visit a friend or a relative and ask for help with your thoughts? I’ve been where you seem to be, the reaction from my closest relatives was: you two need a few days apart to cool off and reflect. It was good advice. Whom can you talk to?>>> on Forum topic - Stuck in quicksand
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by: sickandtired -
What would you tell yourself in 10 years if you decided to stay in a marriage with zero connection and zero joy?>>> on Forum topic - Stuck in quicksand
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by: scoobydo -
Thank you for your response. The guilt was furthered by a comment I made on Gina Pera's blog. She is the author of Is It You, Me or Adult ADHD? I had given a brief overview of my failed relationship with my ADHD partner including that I had tried to support my adhd partner to seriously consider therapy along with the med he was taking. I felt I was not forcing or nagging but trying to drive home that ADHD sufferers fair better with therapy. Gina Pera came back at me with "the worst thing non ADHD...>>> on Forum topic - Guilt
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by: Lostbattles -
It’s nice that you are now single but not alone. The worst is to be married and feel alone. I have gotten tired of asking for hugs and affection. I tell her I need skin to skin contact, skin affection and she just blows it off and makes fun of me. But from I have read here it doesn’t seem like I have it so bad . She still hyper focuses on the family . Especially my nightmare ex wife. She tells me all the attention and litigation my ex wife causes makes her have no energy for me at the end of...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling Nonexistant
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry this is upsetting. I’ve found severe ADHD creates extreme emotional dissonance in partners to it. Love and loyalty are hard to sustain in the face of ADHD symptoms since they often make the ADHD partner 1) inconsistent (doesn’t follow through) 2) dishonest (doesn’t share thoughts and emotions due to fear and shame) 3. communicate poorly All these things are deal breakers for many people. It’s normal to ask for consistency, honesty and communication...>>> on Forum topic - Guilt
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by: honestly -
I was profoundly lonely in my marriage. No companionship at all; him locked into his hyperfocus and me spinning all the other plates. No physical affection, but the expectation of sex when he felt like it. I tried telling him I was lonely. I tried asking nicely for his company, for hugs and affection, and to be spoken to kindly. It didn’t work. Sometimes I got upset when he snapped at me. I occasionally lost my rag and stormed back at him. He told me I was critical and negative and cruel. I...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling Nonexistant
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by: Swedish coast -
I know what you’re saying. In my marriage to a severe ADD partner, his overwhelm made him feel everything was too much. Periodically he couldn’t sit down to dinner with our family of five. I concluded he shouldn’t really have had several children, a demanding career or mortgage. He should have lived differently. But for an academically gifted person, like your wife too, it seems achievable to live all those things, doesn’t it? In retrospect, it’s easy to understand these things. But...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling Nonexistant
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by: J -
like yours, there's a lot I can say to possibly add some insight having ADHD, but also from a male point of view. First, I want to point out a few things I see starting with: " I know I'm a failure, but it's my job." You said he hates it which is the contributing factor to his depression? You also mentioned: " However, my husband’s depression has led him to sacrifice his own joy, and he’s stuck in a job he hates. He’s been in a six-figure role (barely) for years, and although he can do...>>> on Forum topic - Depressed SO and my ADHD
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by: honestly -
I’m the non-ADHD; I’m separated from my husband. I had similar-but-different situations when my kids were wee. This included the expectation that the paternal grandparents (who I now understand had rampant ADHD) have time with the kids and without us. It used to scare the bejesus out of me. The refusal to acknowledge dangers - like properly fitting car seats- the lack of schedule, the utter incapacity to accept my opinion/rules for the kids were of value or relevance. I hated it. I let it...>>> on Forum topic - It has become a safety issue
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry, I’m the non partner, perhaps my perspective is not what you want. But I can relate a lot to your husband’s stress, from my former marriage. 1) Not feeling it’s possible to change jobs or take any other (financial or other) risks because the family largely depends on me 2) Freaking out on chaos in the home when coming home from an excruciating work shift and my partner has been home for hours 3) Being so anxious and stressed by the combined work and home situation any...>>> on Forum topic - Depressed SO and my ADHD
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by: Swedish coast -
This anxiety is a hundred percent relatable. What happens when you’re attached to someone with ADD who is chronically passive or even actively messes things up, is your teeth grind, your muscles ache, your mind races feverishly for solutions. There are none, in my experience. You have no control of the limbs or mind of this other person who doesn’t function like you or understands your needs. You might try to explain, you can try for decades, the message doesn’t get through. You just get resented for...>>> on Forum topic - High functioning anxiety in ADHD spouse?
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